American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Hollywood Week 1

Hollywood week has finally arrived. Randy Jackson said the contestants will all face a “test of courage, stamina, and strength.” Calm down, Randy. It’s a singing audition, not a week in the jungle with John Rambo.

Barry Manilow also had a few random seconds of camera time. He appeared long enough to say the “secret of being a star” is “preparation and opportunity.” Huh. And all this time I thought it was giving a good blow job.

EPISODE RECAP: HOLLYWOOD, WEEK 1 (2/3/09)

Dennis Brown was the most obnoxious contestant of the night. He had a nasty lisp, and as he sang, his face was doing some serious gymnastics. I actually thought his eye was going to do a cartwheel. BUH BYE, you tool.

I don’t even know who this annoying little DWEEB with the hideous piercings is. I just know I can’t stand the sight of his face and I want him to die.

They sent this douche with the red headband and glittery shirt through. You know the talent pool has to be shallow. Or he’s fucking Simon Cowell.

I don’t know who this guy is either, but I think he threw me out of a bar last night.

Katrina Darrell  the bikini whore was back to spread more venereal disease this week. She sang Breathe by Faith Hill, and she sounded like shit. The girls wanted to send her home, but Simon sent her through because he has a small dick.

Finally we heard from some fat chick named Erica. She got thrown off, but came back on stage to beg the judges for another chance. “PLEASE LET ME STAY ON, IT’S MY COUSIN’S BIRTHDAY.” She actually said that. Can you believe it? Like anyone gives a shit? Hey Erica, guess what, it’s my birthday, and I want you to go home and wash your face. BYE BYE NOW.

And that brought this boring, boring, boring Hollywood episode to an end. 104 people will compete tomorrow night in the first group challenge. Try to get some sleep. You’ll need it to endure that shitfest.

 

American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Salt Lake City Auditions

Tonight’s American Idol auditions were in Salt Lake City, Utah – home of the weirdest people in America. I have never seen so many freaks, geeks, and losers in one place in all my life.

The show opened with a reminder that fatties, secretaries, and pregnant women still love Simon:

EPISODE RECAP: THE SALT LAKE CITY AUDITIONS (1/29/09)

First up was Tara Matthews, the goth chick in the skimpy outfit that drew way too much attention to her high BMI. She said she had ESP. Guess what, I do too. And I can tell you PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WILL BE MAKING FUN OF YOU FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS, TARA.

Paula was making this stink face for most of the night. So either the talent was bad, or Simon forgot to wash his balls again. You decide.

Also, I think I wore that white turtleneck with the stars WHEN I WAS SEVEN.

Rich Kagel looked like he just finished a 48-hour heroin binge with Steven Adler. He thinks he’s Sammy Hagar, but it’s more like Sammy HAGGARD. And red aviator sunglasses? You didn’t fly here strapped to the wing of a plane, you fucking tool. Get a life.

Meet Chris Kirkman. He showed up to the audition carrying a glittery, cutout picture of Simon’s face on a popsicle stick… AND with a fucking FAT GUY IN A BUNNY SUIT as his entourage. Do the world a favor: go home and don’t leave your bedroom until your balls drop, you sad loser. And stop watching Donnie Darko.

Finally we heard from Andrew Gibson, who thought he’d wow the judges with a hideous 50’s doo-wop audition. Hey Andrew, do you think you’re auditioning for a fucking SOCK HOP? No, you’re not. Welcome to this decade… and here’s a tip: 1-800-ProActiv.

Next week we’re in Hollywood. Stay tuned for more updates and let us know your thoughts on the episode in the comments.