Hollywood week has finally arrived. Randy Jackson said the contestants will all face a “test of courage, stamina, and strength.” Calm down, Randy. It’s a singing audition, not a week in the jungle with John Rambo.
Barry Manilow also had a few random seconds of camera time. He appeared long enough to say the “secret of being a star” is “preparation and opportunity.” Huh. And all this time I thought it was giving a good blow job.
EPISODE RECAP: HOLLYWOOD, WEEK 1 (2/3/09)
Dennis Brown was the most obnoxious contestant of the night. He had a nasty lisp, and as he sang, his face was doing some serious gymnastics. I actually thought his eye was going to do a cartwheel. BUH BYE, you tool.
I don’t even know who this annoying little DWEEB with the hideous piercings is. I just know I can’t stand the sight of his face and I want him to die.
They sent this douche with the red headband and glittery shirt through. You know the talent pool has to be shallow. Or he’s fucking Simon Cowell.
I don’t know who this guy is either, but I think he threw me out of a bar last night.
Katrina Darrell the bikini whore was back to spread more venereal disease this week. She sang Breathe by Faith Hill, and she sounded like shit. The girls wanted to send her home, but Simon sent her through because he has a small dick.
Finally we heard from some fat chick named Erica. She got thrown off, but came back on stage to beg the judges for another chance. “PLEASE LET ME STAY ON, IT’S MY COUSIN’S BIRTHDAY.” She actually said that. Can you believe it? Like anyone gives a shit? Hey Erica, guess what, it’s my birthday, and I want you to go home and wash your face. BYE BYE NOW.
And that brought this boring, boring, boring Hollywood episode to an end. 104 people will compete tomorrow night in the first group challenge. Try to get some sleep. You’ll need it to endure that shitfest.