American Idol Season 8: Top 13 Episode Recap (3/10/09)

Finally, the auditions and semi-finals are over. I never thought they’d end. Two people are going home tomorrow. Who’s it going to be? Let’s go over tonight’s performances.

TOP 13: Michael Jackson Night (3/10/09)

LIL’ ROUNDS kicked off the show with “The Way You Make Me Feel.” Her voice was decent, but her clothes were hideous. Come on. White parachute pants? Was she channeling the spirit of MC Hammer?

SCOTT MACINTYRE sang “Keep The Faith” while he played his stupid piano. The performance was SO BORING. Unfortunately, his hair literally looked like a bird’s nest. I was far too preoccupied by his gross ‘fro to care about his voice. And get this! Apparently, his sister is blind too! And they sing really bad blind music together. Tragic. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if this guy was not blind, he wouldn’t be on this show. Here’s the memo guys: we’re all watching PITY IDOL.

3. DANNY GOKEY sang “PYT.” (Disclaimer: I HATE DANNY GOKEY and his lame-ass glasses and his moronic facial expressions.) He gave a self indulgent performance that reeked of his false self confidence and his Deisgner Imposters Wal-Mart body spray. Spit flew out of his mouth every time he screamed, and it was really revolting to look at. And so was his dated, tired tweed blazer. Who dressed him? His 8th grade Social Studies teacher?

Apparently, Gokey is a loser at home, too. His intro video showed him walking around imitating a chicken, as his lame family looked on and laughed. I’m glad I’m not a GOKEY.

4. Michael Sarver sang “You Are Not Alone.” Nice guy. Loves his family. Takes care of his kid and I can respect that. But this asshat has no Earthly business being on this show. His performance was horrible and cheesy and was literally painful to listen to. I felt like I was in a dentist’s office reception room, waiting to get a tooth cleaning. Kill me now.

Kris Allen sang “Remember The Time” (with his guitar that you couldn’t even hear, so what the hell was the point?) He has one doofus facial expression, the “constipated John Mayer,” and he flashes it to the point of nausea. The judges didn’t really like the performance. Because it SUCKED ASS.

Allison Iraheta sang “Give It To Me” – and unfortunately, she wasn’t referring to a box of hair dye. I thought this was one of the worst performances of the night. Clotheswise, it looked like Avril Lavigne threw up on her upper half, with all those silver chains and that cheap black plastic coat she was wearing. And apparently, she sings at some random Mexican Costco at home when she’s bored:

After her performance, Simon told her to lighten up. And the bitch actually snapped back, “I’m not dark. It’s not like I’m cutting myself.” The crowd went silent. Her parents gasped. Even Paula Abdul was mortified, and made the “zip your mouth and throw away the key, you stupid bitch” gesture:

Anoop Desai then sang “Beat It” which – coincidentally – is what he does by himself every night in his parents’ basement. OH SNAP! The performance was GOD-AWFUL. Even Paula Abdul hated it and slammed him, and that has to tell you something. And WTF? Is that The Matrix in the background?

Adam Lambert. Another “performer” on this season of Idol that I really CAN’T STAND. He sang “Black Or White” as he fantasized about having skin that wasn’t more riddled with craters than the surface of the moon. As usual, he had on more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker. His voice was grating and his singing was off pitch, and yet the judges licked his ass. Did they watch the same performance? Because I thought he sucked. Paula told him to “take it all in.” Yeah, I bet he did that last night, if you catch my perverted drift.

Everyone else:

Jasmine Murray sang “I’ll Be There.” Good vocals, but really boring and forgettable. And why was she wearing a nightgown from 1972?

Jorge Nunez sang “Never Can Say Goodbye” and his performance was awful. Slow, boring, and dull. Something you’d hear while picking out baked potatoes in a low-end supermarket in Miami. That shit may fly in Puerto Rico, but not on the mainland, buddy. Even Paula Abdul hated it.

Megan Corkrey sang “Rockin’ Robin” – and I hated it. I felt like I was at a sock hop. And for Christ’s sake, Megan, clean the boogers out of your damn kid’s nose. Is it that hard??? Gross.

Matt Giraud sang “Human Nature” and played the piano. He’s like a less entertaining, uglier version of Justin Timberlake.

Alexis Grace was last. She sang “Dirty Diana” and it was average. She would have had the 1-866-IDOLS-13 phone number, but since it’s a PORN HOTLINE, they gave her “1-866-IDOLS-36.” Ryan said they chose the number 36 because there was a top 36 in the competition. I thought they chose it to honor the number of brain cells Paula Abdul had left.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

4 Wildcards Chosen; Top 13 Complete (Finally)

Tonight’s wildcard show was mind numbingly boring. Most of the contestants sang songs they’ve already sung before, including Tatiana, who sang “Saving All My Love For You” for the THIRD time this competition. Her performance was weak, and she was kicked to the curb. Bye-bye, Tatiana. Exit stage left. And take your new fake British accent with you.

They’re mixing it up this year, and having a top 13 instead of a top 12. The final 4 chosen during tonight’s Wildcard competition: JASMINE MURRAY, MEGAN CORKREY, MATT GIRAUD, and ANOOP.

The complete top 13: Scott Macintyre (the blind guy), Jorge Nunez (the Puerto Rican guy), Lil Rounds (the girl with the lame name), Allison Irahetta (the tween with the pink hair and unfortunate braces on her lower teeth), Kris Allen (the country hillbilly), Adam Lambert (the broadway freak), Alexis Grace (the boring meek mouse), Michael Sarver (the fat oil worker), Danny Gokey (the dork with the 92 pairs of glasses who pimps his dead wife for votes), Jasmine Murray (the boring black girl), Megan Corkrey (the raspy blonde mother with the tattoos), Matt Giraud (the dorky Justin Timberlake piano player), and Anoop (the Indian dork with the unibrow).

Translation: Officially the LOSER-IEST CAST OF ALL TIME.

The top 13 will be performing on Tuesday night.

 

American Idol Season 8: THE TOP 9

Scott Macintyre, Jorge Nunez, and Lil Rounds were the top 3 chosen from last night’s Group 3. They will join Allison Irahetta, Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver, and Danny Gokey as the top 9.

The final 3 wildcard finalists will be chosen tomorrow, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

American Idol Season 8: First 3 of the Top 12 Revealed

After a painful performance by Carly Smithson and Michael Johns, and more of Ryan Seacrest’s cheesy bullshit, the first three contestants  of the Top 12 were revealed.

TOP 12: FIRST THREE CONTESTANTS (2/18/09)

1. ALEXIS GRACE (aka Cyndi Lauper’s stunt double). She’s boring and meek. And where’d she get that hideous wicker fedora? As a free gift for spending more than $50 at Pier 1 Imports?

2. MICHAEL SARVER, the oil worker. At least he’ll have a job to go back to when he gets thrown off Idol after the first week.

3. DANNY GOKEY. I have to borrow a phrase from my friend Lydia to describe my feelings for this guy: I HATE HIM WITH THE FIRE OF TEN THOUSAND SUNS. Those glasses. That cocky attitude. Ugh.

Everything about him screams, “I want to quit my job at the church and start singing karaoke at a gay club.”

It all came down to Tatiana and Danny – and as mentioned above, Danny made it to the top 12 and Tatiana got sent home. She clutched her hand to her chest, and cried in the corner as Danny sang. Tatiana, you let me down, girl. I was expecting a full-on collapse, resulting in Paula Abdul having to puncture a hole in your chest with your star bracelet to re-inflate your lung.

Bottom line: Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver, and Danny Gokey are the first 3 members of the top 12. Shoot me now.

The DANNY GOKEY GLASSES COUNT is up to: 7 PAIRS OF GLASSES. Yes, Danny Gokey has worn SEVEN pairs of glasses so far. Photographic proof is in the works.

Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll see you next week for the 2nd group of 12.

LIVE BLOGGING: American Idol Season 8 (Top 36, Group 1)

2/17/09 – Hi, I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be LIVE BLOGGING tonight’s episode of American Idol. Our votes tonight will send 3 people through to the top 12. Let’s do it.

8:00: Tonight, we’ll be hearing from 12 performers who make up group 1 of the Top 36. It’s the first live broadcast of the season and the theme is Billboard Top 100.

8:05: Jackie Tohn is up first. She’s spazzing around the stage in black spandex pants, a thick red Minnie Mouse belt, and glittery high top sneakers. Does she think she’s on American Idol, or Sweatin’ To The Oldies infomercial?

8:08: The judges are all screaming into the microphone. There are some serious audio issues going on. The volume is way too loud. Who the hell is working the audio booth, Marlee Matlin?

8:10: Jackie’s parents just got interviewed by Ryan and the mother totally choked. She stared into the camera, and stuttered for 45 seconds before turning the questioning over to Jackie’s dad . Most awkward interview ever.

8:15: Ricky Braddy? Who is this guy? And why is Ryan talking to him about chicken fingers? Is he a contestant – or one of the workers from the cafeteria?

8:17: Ok, he’s singing now, giving a boring performance that is currently only being enjoyed by people over 73.

8:19: Paula is standing up and clapping. Randy is raving about him. They’re all kissing his ass. Clearly they were not watching the same performance.  Simon says he has no star quality, and that’s the biggest understatement of the century. He doesn’t look like a star – he looks like an employee at a children’s shoe store.

8:20: Seriously, somebody tell Kara DioGuardi to stop screaming and spitting into the microphone.

8:21: Ricky Braddy’s parents are wearing shirts that say THE BRADDY BUNCH. Wow, how clever they are.

8:27: 21 year old Alexis Grace can NOT sing Aretha Franklin. At all. This is horrifyingly bad. Is she wearing a slip? Go home, honey, and color your hair. You’re not Cyndi Lauper.

8:31: Alexis’ dad looks like David Crosby. But with less teeth.

8:37: OMG. More technical problems. Brent Keith’s video didn’t play, and it caught Ryan off guard and made him stutter. Ok, issue fixed. Now this Brent guy is singing some come country song called “Hick Town” by Jason Aldean, but his performance is low energy and super boring. He’s like the poor man’s Kenny Chesney: totally forgettable and completely unoriginal, but yet makes me want a Corona with lime really bad.

8:43: Is that Brent’s wife? Or his mother? Never a good question to have to ask.

8:50: Stevie Wright. Oh poor, poor 17 year old Stevie Wright. This is the worst performance of the night thus far. Wow. Just painful. She’s not ready to be on live TV.

8:54: Anoop Desai is up next. He’s singing “Angel Of Mine” by Monica. Unfortunately, he hasn’t tweezed his GIANT UNIBROW yet. He is a decent singer but he has negative star quality. There’s a zero percent chance he will win this show, especially with cheesy cruise ship karaoke performances like this one.

9:05: Casey Carlson is singing “Every Little Thing HE Does Is Magic” by The Police. This song is way too big for her and she can not handle it. EVEN WORSE, she’s doing way too many facial gymnastics.  What’s with all the smirking and winking. Simmer down, Sarah Palin.

9:07: Two minutes into her performance, and it has somehow managed to get even more awful. Ugh, the judges hated it too. Get this bitch off my TV right about… now.

9:16: Michael Sarver, the oil rigger from Jasper Texas, is up next. Exactly how many embellished button down shirts does he own?

9:17: He’s singing a very overdone, whiny version of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be.” He’s really out of breath. I hated every single minute of his performance – and the judges were underwhelmed too. Except Paula, but that’s not saying much.

9:22: Ann Marie Boskovich is singing “Natural Woman” – but she only has one move: standing still and pointing at the camera with her left hand. She looks more like a “Mannequin Woman.” Her performance is ehhhhh. Good by default, only because the others have been so bad.

9:32: Stephen Fowler forgot his words during Hollywood week, but made it through anyway. He’s singing Rock With U by Michael Jackson. Oh god. He’s snapping. This isn’t good.

9:35: Scratch that, this performance is AWFUL. Off pitch, out of tune, and self indulgent. He got a second chance here, but he ruined it. Paula called it the “kiss of death” and Simon called it “pointless.” They’re too kind.

9:38: Stephen is the only one performing without a family member present. Even his family members think he sucks. Now that’s awkward.

9:42: Tatiana Del Toro is up next… brace yourselves. She’s singing “Saving All My Love For You” by Whitney Houston.

9:45: I feel like I’m at a cheesy fucking cabaret club off Sunset Blvd. She’s whisper-singing. Even worse, her hot pink lipstick is making my retinas hurt. And can I just say, she should NOT be showing off her upper arms like that. Shudder.

9:46: Paula called her the “most talked about contestant” of the season and Simon called her a “total drama queen who only wants fame.” She replied, “I believe in marketing as a business and I want to market myself.” Good. You can start by moving to Guam.

9:52: The consensus amongst the WEHATEIDOL commenters is that Tatiana was the best female vocalist of the night. Maybe. But I don’t care – I still don’t want to hear from her anymore. Plus, I want to see her GIGANTIC MELTDOWN when she gets sent back to Puerto Rico with her “cousins.”

9:55: Danny Gokey is last, singing “Hero” by Mariah Carey. He’s squinting and rubbing his chest a lot, and is apparently wearing one of  Michael Sarver’s button down embellished shirts.

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9:58: The judges are kissing his ass. Paula said “I have 2 words: sold out arenas.” Um, too bad that’s three words., Paula. Personally, I think there is way too much hype around this guy.

Ok, here’s how it works — the 3 people who get the most votes from tonight’s performances get sent through to the next round. So let’s hear it: Who do you want to stay? And who do you want to go?

My top 3 performers of the night (and this is NOT saying much) were: Anoop, Ann Marie Boskovich, and Danny Gokey.

My bottom 3 performers of the night were: Stevie Wright, Casey Carlson, and Stephen Fowler

We’ll be back tomorrow night with your Idol results. See you then.

BREAKING NEWS: Joanna Pacitti Disqualified From American Idol

AND SHE’S OUT! FINALLY!

Joanna Pacitti, the annoying ex child actress who has already been signed – and dropped – by two major record labels, has officially been disqualified from American Idol. She was replaced with Felicia Barton, after Fox released a statement saying they wanted to “avoid the appearance of impropriety.”

PLEASE. This girl shouldn’t have made it to the top 36 to begin with. She forgot the lyrics THREE TIMES, and she didn’t even have to “sing for her life” last night.

Here’s one of the corny videos she had made before her label dropped her:

And here’s Felicia Barton singing on the street for anyone who will listen:

We’ll bring you more news as it becomes available.

 

LIVE BLOGGING: American Idol Season 8 – Hollywood (Day 5)

2/11/09 – Hi, I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be LIVE BLOGGING tonight’s episode of American Idol for you guys – because let’s face it, sitting around on your computer and hitting refresh is underrated.

Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments. Let’s do this.

8:01 pm: Nathaniel is crying again. Already. This is going to be a long hour.

8:04 pm: The judges are sitting on huge red velvet chairs that make Simon’s skin look even more pasty. They just sent Anoop the Indian through to the next round. Von Smith is currently sweating in his imitation Banana Republic blazer.

8:06 pm: Ew, the skin around Von Smith’s neck is ALL BLOTCHY. He made it through to the next round. I don’t like him. To me, he looks like a British elf.

8:11 pm: Wayne Brady is doing public service announcements for the big “Digital Switch.” Times must be rough.

8:12 pm: Ooh, big news. There may be a “sing-off” between contestants if the judges are on the fence about them.

8:13: The judges are already invoking their right to invoke a sing-off. They’re randomly making Cody Sheldon, the weird Goth filmmaker, sing a song in front of them. He looks unshowered and greasy.

8:14: Now Alex Wagner, who coincidentally also looks like a British elf, is singing for the judges. He’s clutching at his purple Freddy Kreuger sweater and nervously butchering Elton John.

8:16: Alex the British elf made it through. Cody got sent home, hopefully to bathe.

8:18: Adam Lambert, the loser who painfully sang “Believe” by Cher last night, is heading to the judging room. Oh God. They’re replaying last night’s performance.

8:19: Simon said, “It’s not good news, it’s great news. You’re on the show.” I don’t think so, Simon. For Adam, great news would have been “Marilyn Manson is in your bedroom waiting for you – and he’s naked.”

American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Hollywood (Day 4)

It’s STILL Hollywood Week on American Idol. And after tonight, I NEVER want to hear “Hey There Delilah” or “I Hope You Dance” EVER again.

EPISODE RECAP: HOLLYWOOD, DAY 4 (2/10/09)

Adam Lambert sang a disgustingly hideous cruise ship version of Cher’s “Do You Believe.” I’ll tell you what I believe, Adam: I believe you need some of Cher’s make-up, and a singing job off-off-off Broadway. This loser, Danny Gokey, is so in love with his “friend” Jamar Rogers that he watched him performing from behind a curtain. He had a huge shit-eating grin plastered across his face the entire time. One of his hands was on the curtain, and let’s just say I bet I know what his other hand was on. He then came on stage and sang “I Hope You Dance” like the 17 year old girl that he is. He made it through to the next round.

Ah yes, Scott Macintyre, the BLIND GUY WHO KEPT LOOKING DOWN TO STARE AT HIS KEYBOARD KEYS. What the hell was up with that? Is this guy even blind? One thing’s for sure, he is MEDIOCRE. If he wasn’t “blind” there’s no way he would still be around. He made it through to the next round. And then pretended he didn’t see Paula Abdul’s standing ovation. But he saw the keyboard keys. Um, sure.

Tatiana. Would you look at this bitch’s pointy teeth? Why is this stupid bitch still here? Shouldn’t she be out biting necks and converting mortals to vampires? Yes, she made it through to the next round. And I wanted to kill myself.

Nathanial looks like a lesbian. Actually, wait, that’s an insult to lesbians. This talentless douche actually made it through to the next round, and a small part of me died inside.

Joanna Pacitti, the annoying ex-Annie actress, forgot the lyrics to “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys. She sang, “hum doo wahhh mmmm na naahh” for 2 minutes. And guess what? The bitch made it through to the next round, too. Are we being punked?

I don’t know what this loser’s name is, but I can tell you he COMPLETELY forgot the words to his song. So he started over. And then he forgot the words to his song AGAIN. And guess what! He fucking MADE IT THROGH to the next round. What will it take for someone to be sent home? Urinating on the stage? Pulling out a gun and shooting the lighting guy?

These three look like a rejected rap act on Star Search. Paula Abdul looked like she was wearing the remains of her old Chrysler LeBaron around her neck.

All the annoying people made it through. All the people who blatantly forgot their lyrics made it through… even though Simon made it a point to say “FORGET THE LYRICS AND YOU’RE OUT” before Hollywood Week even started. What a crock of shit. They eliminated all the people that never got air time. At least Jason Castro’s brother got sent home tonight.

Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll see you tomorrow night when the top 36 are revealed.

American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Hollywood (Part 2)

On tonight’s episode of American Idol, the remaining 100+ contestants separated into groups. It was just like high school gym class – the losers were picked last, or weren’t picked at all, and just shuffled around the stage uncomfortably until some other losers took pity on them and invited them into their group.  The entire episode basically focused on three people – Nathaniel (the gay kid with the pierced chin), Tatiana (the annoying girl with the shaggy brown hair and awful giggle), and ugly Katrina the bikini girl. There was lots of crying, lots of whining, and lots of BORING… so let’s get on with the review.

EPISODE RECAP: HOLLYWOOD, GROUP NIGHT (2/4/09)

Nathaniel Marshall is one of the most annoying, whiny, overly dramatic contestants in Idol history. He looks like a rejected WHAM! back-up singer.

Some eliminated dweeb named Ryan Pinkerton said he got kicked off because there was “evil in Paula’s eyes.” That’s not evil, buddy. It’s 1200 milligrams of Prozac.

Katrina, the ugly bitch who shares her name with one of the worst hurricanes in our nation’s history, ditched her group to go to sleep. Why? She was “tired after wearing heels all day.” More like “tired from sucking dicks all day.” However, we’re happy to report KATRINA WAS KICKED OFF THE SHOW TONIGHT. Good riddance. You’re not all that. Your nose is busted and your smile is gummy. Have a nice life.

TEAM LAMDA LAMDA LAMDA… the team of geeks and losers led by nasty Tatiana… actually made it through. Tatiana asked Jesus for strength tomorrow. Perhaps she should also ask him for a new set of teeth, because hers are literally more brown than a 3 week old rotting banana for sale at Trader Joe’s.

The last group of the night was TEAM COMPROMISE (wow, what a cool name guys). Whiny Nathaniel made it through to the next round, even though he sounded more like he was auditioning for The Birdcage: The Musical. The blonde girl made it through, but I don’t know her name because she was a boring bitch. The other girl was out because her voice kept cracking like Madonna’s face when she smiles.

And that brought this episode to an end. Bottom line: most of the ugly people were eliminated, because that’s how Simon Cowell and American Idol roll. Sad but true. Stay tuned next week, when we’ll be in for more of the same. The top 36 will be announced, which is no big deal because that’s still too many people to give a shit about.

Leave your thoughts in the comments, and we’ll see you next week.