See you next week!

WELCOME TO THE WE HATE IDOL LIVE BLOG! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight, the top 11 contestants will be performing, and MILEY CYRUS is going to be the mentor. And if this doesn’t merit a Seth Myers “REALLY?!” segment, I don’t know what does.

Miley is, what, 17 years old? What’s she an authority on, besides awkward father/daughter relationships and making a lot of money by dressing skanky? Is she going to school them on how to stay on pitch while hanging upside down on a stripper pole and chewing gum? Only time will tell.

This week, the contestants are singing songs that made it to the #1 spot on the Billboard charts. And Ryan Seacrest will be staring at Miley’s boobs along the way.

Lee DeWyze is singing “The Letter” by The Boxtops. Or at least I think it’s Lee Dewyze. It looks and sounds more like Taylor Hicks after applying bottle of L’oreal hair dye. The dance moves… the cheesy vocal runs… the dazzle suit… the guy has “cruise ship performer” written all over him. He actually had a HORN SECTION behind him, which is never a good sign. Ellen Degeneres even compared him to an old pen. Need I say more?

Paige Miles is up next, singing “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. I’d like to take this opportunity to ask just what the fuck Miley Cyrus is wearing? It looks like she wrapped one of Madonna’s old lace gloves from 1982 around her torso.

In other news, Paige’s performance was *HORRIBLE.* It was one of the worst vocals I’ve ever heard on this show – ever. Randy called it “honestly terrible.” That’s putting it mildly. It was ear-bleedingly awful. You know what will really happen “against all odds?” Paige showing up next week to sing.

Tim Urban is up next, singing “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” Jesus. It’s cringeworthy. He’s running around stage with a cheesy grin on his face, pointing at people in the crowd like he’s Elvis Presley. Randy hated it, Simon almost threw up, and Ellen had nothing nice to say other than “YOU HAVE HUGE FANS.” I’ll bet he does, Ellen. And they’re 11 years old, too.

16 year old Aaron Kelly is up next. Apparently, he’s obsessed with Miley Cyrus (who sounds like she’s a 5-pack a day smoker, by the way.) Aaron’s singing “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. And just when I thought I couldn’t hate this song any more, Aaron proved me wrong. He’s sick tonight, blah blah blah, like anyone cares. The judges were underwhelmed, and so was I.

Crystal Bowersox is up next, and she just lost any cool points she might have previously earned by asking MILEY CYRUS to sign her guitar.

Thanks to the magic of slow-motion, we were able to catch what Miley wrote on her guitar:

Crystal sang “Me and Bobby McGee”, and the judges all had orgasms over her performance. Unfortunately, she still makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. Bowersox. It doesn’t sound cool. It sounds like a low-budget baseball team.

Miley is so full of herself. Michael came out and hugged her and she said, “Oh, you’re my favorite already. Everyone else is afraid to touch me.” Yeah. Probably because they don’t want the clap.

Michael Lynche is singing “When A Man Loves A Woman.” You know, just because the show wasn’t cheesy enough. Why did someone have to go and channel Michael Bolton?

Michael sounds much better than he did last week, but he’s still not as good as he thinks he is. Ellen said it was a “safe choice” and Kara said it was “boring and loungy.” Simon was too busy grooming his chest hair to comment.

Andrew Garcia forgot the lyrics to “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” while singing in front of Miley Cyrus, so she made him put his guitar down. Total mistake. Now he has no idea what to do with his hands. He’s swinging them around like he’s swatting bees. And dear God, he just did some awkward dance move that made me cringe. I can’t stand this guy, and this is just another awful performance on a truly awful night of Idol. Know what I heard through the grapevine? That Andrew is going to be in the bottom 3 tomorrow night. The judges hated it, and Simon is 100% right: Andrew is overrated. And I don’t care what anyone says: he fucking looks like Kim Jung Ill of North Korea.

Katie Stevens, this season’s resident 82 year old church singer, is singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. This is pure karaoke, and I’m bored to tears. She can’t sing, and she sounds like she should be starring in a Nasonex commercial. Maybe big girls don’t cry, but I wanted to after enduring that performance.

Casey James is singing “Power Of Love” by Huey Louis. His vocals are decent, but he’s not bringing any energy to the song at all. He gets major points for dissing Miley Cyrus when he met her, though. He said, “I’m a big fan…… of your DAD’S.” Ooh, burn.

You know what I just realized? Casey James totally has Meg Ryan hair. It’s true.

Didi Benami is up next, singing “You’re No Good.” She was completely average, and the performance was a bit dull, but it wasn’t as bad as the judges made it out to be. I will say, however, that I officially want the term “pitchy all over the place” to be banned from American Idol FOREVER. Thank you.

Finally! Siobhan Magnus is last, singing “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder. Of course the Idol producers put her on last, because they want her to get more votes and stick around. Anyway, she’s actually doing a decent job, even though she irritates the shit out of me. I think she’s totally fake, and the screachy notes she whips out at the end are UNBEARABLE.

So there you have it! Another awful week of Idol has come to an end. The 3 best performances this week were Michael Lynch, Crystal Bowersox, and Siobhan Magnus.The 3 worst performances this week were Paige Miles, Tim Urban, Andrew Garcia. Katie Stevens sucked too.

Stay tuned tomorrow night – we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

Last night, the top 12 contestants covered songs from the Rolling Stones. Tonight’s bottom 3 performers, according to your votes, were Tim Urban, Lacey Brown, and Paige Miles.

Lacey and Paige were the bottom two, but LACEY was eliminated after butchering (and I do mean butchering) The Story by Brandi Carlile. The judges did not save her. On a positive note, she’ll be able to wipe away her tears with the gigantic rose-shaped tissue sitting on top of her head.

We’ll be back next week with a live-blog of the top 11 performances. See you then!

WELCOME BACK TO WE HATE IDOL! All the delicious, live-blogging goodness will begin again tonight! For those who don’t know me, I’m Jillian Madison. I’ll be your host for the next 12 painful weeks of awful singing and redundant judges’ commentary.

(Note: Aside from one audition show back in January, I haven’t watched any episodes of Idol yet this season. I honestly have no idea who these contestants are, or what they’re about. I wanted to be able to bring you honest commentary without any prior history or knowledge of the contestants or their stupid sob stories. I have heard, though, most of them SUCK ASS and that this is the worst season people have seen in years. Lucky us.

The live photo-recap and performance rundown will begin at 8 EST. Until then, here’s a reminder:

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s do this!

8:00 pm: Ellen’s wearing a scarf inside. That’s one of my biggest fashion pet peeves, so we’re already off to a bad start. To make matters worse, Ryan Seacrest’s front tooth just blinded me.

8:03: Who are all these sorry looking people on stage? Christ, is that the Top 12, or the newest castmembers of Freaks And Geeks: The Musical?

8:05 Michael Lynche is up first. He’s wearing a scarf too! What the hell?

FYI: IT’S ROLLING STONES NIGHT – and personally, they’re one of my most hated bands of all time. Goodie!

8:07: Michael is singing Miss You. Wait, is he the kid from The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock? He’s dancing around the stage like a freak, and his poor pants zipper looks like its hanging on for dear life.

Simon said his performance was “verging on desperate.” I agree. I’m not impressed. NEXT!

8:15 pm: This depressing autism commercial brought to you by Toni Braxton.

8:16: Didi Benami is up next. And HER MOTHER IS WEARING A SCARF. This is a freakin’ conspiracy, I’m telling you.

Didi is singing Play With Fire. She’s eye-fucking the camera and I sort of want to punch her. Actually, I just decided she looks like Justin Bieber with extensions.

Question: do you guys think American Idol is sponsored by Coke?

8:23: Casey James is up next. Oh, and here we go with the sob story from his youth. He had seizures, and he could only “hum songs in his crib.” And then I bet he had to walk to school everyday. Uphill. In the snow. BAREFOOT.

He’s singing “It’s All Over Now.” He has a guitar and dirty looking hair, and he actually looks like a vampire extra from True Blood.

The judges (except for Simon, of course) liked his performance, and Kara even called him a “rock star.” And by “rock star” I can only assume she meant “dull guy who could probably make a decent living entertaining the elderly with his fancy blue guitar.” But what else could you expect from a guy who grew up in a town called “cool?” (rolling eyes)

So far, I’m woefully unimpressed. Tell me this shit is going to get better, guys.

8:33 pm: This Lacey Brown chick looks like a young Sharon Osbourne. She’s singing “Ruby Tuesday” – and her voice is simply HORRIBLE. By far, the worst performance of the night. Goodbye Ruby Tuesday? More like GOODBYE LACEY. Next!

8:43 pm: This Andrew Garcia guy looks like a douchebag. Who tattoos their neck? Seriously? And those glasses! He’s like the lovechild of Danny Gokey and Junior from the Sopranos.

Andrew’s performance was horrible. Randy said he was pitchy, but Ellen said it was his “best performance yet.” A scary woman with a mohawk in the audience clearly agreed with her. Personally, I hated everything about it. NEXT!

8:54: Katie is up next, and people in the audience have photos of her face on popsicle sticks. I know. Annoying, right? She looks like she’s 84 years old. And even worse, I seriously think she stole that broach from my grandmother’s casket.

Aaaand, of course Katie is singing Wild Horses. Holy shit. Somebody tell this girl she’s not in YOUTH CHOIR. I can’t believe I share a state with her. If I ever see her around the Hartford CT capitol building or something, we’re going to have some serious words.

DEAR GOD, what is this inlay they’re doing with her face? Like she’s not old enough? I think I aged 8 years watching that performance. AWFUL. Is she like Benjamin Button or something? Is she aging in reverse?

Time for more commercials! Question: who hired Luke Wilson’s fat older brother to be the new spokesman for AT&T? And why is he standing in Ellen Degeneres’ closet?

9:05 pm: Tim Urban is up next. Wait, isn’t there already a famous person named Tim Urban? Doesn’t he sing songs about cowboy boots and John Deere lawnmowers?

Whoever this kid is, he’s HORRIBLE. He looks like a rejected Jonas brother, with an uglier haircut than Chad Rogers from Million Dollar Listings.

UPDATE: I’ve been informed the famous Urban is Keith Urban, and he’s married to Nicole Kidman. Shows how much I know.

I DO know that Tim Urban’s reggae-ish performance sucked, and the judges hated it too. Right about now, I’m finding it ironic that the American Idol talent pool is not talented. Discuss amongst yourselves.

These commercials are AWFUL. It is good to see, though, that Kris Allen could at least afford to lease a Ford Fusion.

9:15 pm: Siobhan Magnus is up next, singing “Paint It Black.” This is torture to listen to. You know what I wish I could paint black? MY EARDRUMS. Christ. I can’t hear anything after that 21-second long witches cackle she let out at the end of the song. She reminds me of Adam Lambert without a penis. (Er, wait, does Lambert have a penis?)

And on another note, you know what? I’m so freakin’ sick of big emo glasses. Who is her style icon? The guy from the Six Flags commercial? Come on.

9:25: Who is this tool? Lee DeWyze? And why do I give a shit that he used to work in a paint store? Anyway, he’s singing “Beast Of Burden” tonight. And Jack Johnson called. He wants his vocal chords back. I’m bored to death by this guy and his pleather jacket. Even Simon called him dull and forgettable – and he’s right.

Hang in there, Idol Haters! There’s only 30 minutes left in this crapfest! But first, ANOTHER COMMERCIAL! Surprise!

9:36 pm: Paige Miles is up next. She grew up singing in the church. Say, I wonder if she knows Katie Stevens?

I’ve never heard Paige sing before, and honestly, once is enough. She sounds like Carrie Underwood after getting run over by an out of control 18-wheeler. Hideous. And what the hell is she wearing? Are there SHORTS built into the bottom of her dress? Yes. Yes there are. NEXT.

9:40: Aaron Kelly is up next. And his mother’s name is KELLY KELLY. I could not make this shit up.

This kid is horrrrrrrrendous. Boring, generic, and dull. The most newsworthy thing about him is his mother’s name. NEXT.

9:52 pm: Finally! The last performer, Crystal Bowersox, is singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” In her case, she’s clearly referring to “getting the huge knot out of the back of her hair.”

The girl is completely forgettable. She’s ordinary, and I felt like I was watching a high school talent show. The judges weren’t thrilled by her, either, and Simon said she was beat by Siobhan tonight.

So that brought this slow, talentless episode to an end! No one stood out as being good, but lots of people stood out as being horribly bad: Katie Stevens, Aaron Kelly, Michael Lynche, Andrew Garcia, and Tim Urban suck hardcore and are all in danger of going home tomorrow.

The action starts at 8 EST. Come back then and skewer the show with us in the comments section!

8:03: Here we go – Season 9 is underway. Paula Abdul: out. C-list celebrity guest judges: in. The auditions are starting in Boston.

Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) is the first guest judge, and for some ungodly reason, she’s wearing a piece of a black stocking on her head.

8:08: The first contestant is JANET McNAMARA, who thinks she’s qualified to be here because she played the American Idol video game on her Nintendo Wii. Her stomach is pouring out over her jeans. This woman is a walking muffin top. She’s singing “Pocket Full Of Sunshine” and it’s hideous. The judges are appropriately horrified. Janet didn’t make the cut.

8:14: Here comes some random girl with 11 brothers and sisters. One of them has Downs Syndrome, so you know she’s going to make it to the next round.

Scratch that – SEVERAL of her siblings have Downs Syndrome.

Maddy’s singing “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. I liked Brandi Carlile’s version better, but she has a nice voice. But come on, a dying whale would have sounded good after Janet. And of course, she made it to Hollywood.

8:20: Aaand, here comes Pat Ford, a loser in an Abercrombie polo screaming “HOLLER” and thinking he’s funny for doing so. He’s singing “Womanizer.” Is that supposed to be funny because he’s not? God, this season is boring me already. NEXT!

8:30: Nothing tells you you’re in the northeast like an overweight, greasy meathead from Rhode Island screaming at you in broken Italian. Meet 28-year old Amadeo Diricco. ROCK ME, AMADEO! Kara said she felt like she was “at home with her cousin” and Simon said it was his “favorite audition of the day.” They put him through. The entire cast of Jersey Shore is now celebrating in the waiting area.

8:33: Some loser with pimply skin just said he started “GRADUSTATING” to music a few years ago. Obviously, since he didn’t do any GRADUSTATING from college.

8:41: Mary Doyle is up next. She’s got yellow teeth, red hair, and she’s obsessed with Anime. Whatever. She’s boring, and I’ve got 50 bucks that says she didn’t get asked to prom.

8:45: Ah, finally. A rejected hipster in a knit ski cap singing Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. My life is complete.

8:48: They sure are loving this toolbag in the non-prescription tortoise shell glasses, aren’t they? His name is Andrew Fenlen, and guess what…

He’s also a total dick. Victoria Beckham called him “hideously arrogant” and Kara DioGuardi went off on him for 5 minutes. He was like watching Clark Kent’s much less talented, much more obnoxious younger brother. He was the most interesting person on the entire episode, but he didn’t make it through to Hollywood.

9:00: We’re an hour into this shit, and I haven’t seen Victoria Beckham smile once. Does her face even move anymore?

9:02: The only thing I hate more than Alicia Keys is people who sing Alicia Keys on their American Idol audition.

I also just realized I don’t miss Paula Abdul at all. It’s like she was never even there to begin with.

9:04: Tyler Grady just sang “Let’s Get It On.” He looks like he just stole Greg Brady’s wardrobe from the episode when he  moved his bedroom into Mike’s den.

9:05: Oh, look! Another commercial! This gives me time to discuss how useless Victoria Beckham is as a judge. All she’s done is comment on people’s clothing. I didn’t realize I was watching Fashion Idol. Thanks for the memo.

9:10: JUST when I thought this premiere couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Seacrest is giving a history lesson about the Boston Tea party. Somewhere in America, my 7th grade Social Studies teacher is ecstatic.

9:12: Personally, I’m too distracted by the sheer amount of hair on Simon’s arm to be horrified by Lisa’s awful rendition of Marian Carey’s “Vision Of Love.”

9:15: I’m getting seasick just watching that Godzilla speedboat spinning around the water. Can this Mike guy sing his awful Beatles song and be done with it? Oh, great. They sent him through to Hollywood, even though he sang the first half of his song in a completely different key. Following in Adam Lambert’s footsteps, is he?

9:23: Time for Katie Stevens, a Portugese girl with a grandmother who has Alzheimers. This is totally sad. They’re showing footage of Katie spoonfeeding her and everything. Whatever. That’s playing dirty. I don’t even need to hear this girl sing. You know they’re going to send her through to Hollywood.

Aaaand, they sent her to Hollywood. Is this show predictable or what?

9:29: Further proof this is the most boring premiere episode ever: Randy just referenced SPANDAU BALLET. I rest my case.

9:30: I’m so sick of these sob stories. Yes, people have cancer, sick grandmothers, and disabled siblings. But do the Idol producers think the American population is so stupid, we can’t like someone without hearing their corny backstory?

9:39: Dear God. Not the “Turn The Tub Around” butter commercial. Is Megan Mullally that hard up for cash?

9:45: Norberto Guerrero looks like Latoya Jackson’s corpse. I’m terrified. I think I saw him spraypainted on the side of a loud ride at my local town carnival once.

WE HATE IDOL COMMENT OF THE NIGHT: “So, are Bosa’s parent sending me e-mail scams yet?” -Vomit

And that brought this awful episode to an end! Join us tomorrow night for another episode of American Idol. Thankfully, it’s only 90 minutes. There is a God.