Katie Stevens, Tim Urban, and Paige Miles were in the bottom 3, but PAIGE MILES was thrown off American Idol tonight. Like none of us saw that coming?!

See you next week!

WELCOME TO THE WE HATE IDOL LIVE BLOG! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight, the top 11 contestants will be performing, and MILEY CYRUS is going to be the mentor. And if this doesn’t merit a Seth Myers “REALLY?!” segment, I don’t know what does.

Miley is, what, 17 years old? What’s she an authority on, besides awkward father/daughter relationships and making a lot of money by dressing skanky? Is she going to school them on how to stay on pitch while hanging upside down on a stripper pole and chewing gum? Only time will tell.

This week, the contestants are singing songs that made it to the #1 spot on the Billboard charts. And Ryan Seacrest will be staring at Miley’s boobs along the way.

Lee DeWyze is singing “The Letter” by The Boxtops. Or at least I think it’s Lee Dewyze. It looks and sounds more like Taylor Hicks after applying bottle of L’oreal hair dye. The dance moves… the cheesy vocal runs… the dazzle suit… the guy has “cruise ship performer” written all over him. He actually had a HORN SECTION behind him, which is never a good sign. Ellen Degeneres even compared him to an old pen. Need I say more?

Paige Miles is up next, singing “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. I’d like to take this opportunity to ask just what the fuck Miley Cyrus is wearing? It looks like she wrapped one of Madonna’s old lace gloves from 1982 around her torso.

In other news, Paige’s performance was *HORRIBLE.* It was one of the worst vocals I’ve ever heard on this show – ever. Randy called it “honestly terrible.” That’s putting it mildly. It was ear-bleedingly awful. You know what will really happen “against all odds?” Paige showing up next week to sing.

Hey Idol Haters!

Last night, the top 12 contestants covered songs from the Rolling Stones. Tonight’s bottom 3 performers, according to your votes, were Tim Urban, Lacey Brown, and Paige Miles.

Lacey and Paige were the bottom two, but LACEY was eliminated after butchering (and I do mean butchering) The Story by Brandi Carlile. The judges did not save her. On a positive note, she’ll be able to wipe away her tears with the gigantic rose-shaped tissue sitting on top of her head.

We’ll be back next week with a live-blog of the top 11 performances. See you then!

WELCOME BACK TO WE HATE IDOL! All the delicious, live-blogging goodness will begin again tonight! For those who don’t know me, I’m Jillian Madison. I’ll be your host for the next 12 painful weeks of awful singing and redundant judges’ commentary.

(Note: Aside from one audition show back in January, I haven’t watched any episodes of Idol yet this season. I honestly have no idea who these contestants are, or what they’re about. I wanted to be able to bring you honest commentary without any prior history or knowledge of the contestants or their stupid sob stories. I have heard, though, most of them SUCK ASS and that this is the worst season people have seen in years. Lucky us.

The live photo-recap and performance rundown will begin at 8 EST. Until then, here’s a reminder:

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s do this!

8:00 pm: Ellen’s wearing a scarf inside. That’s one of my biggest fashion pet peeves, so we’re already off to a bad start. To make matters worse, Ryan Seacrest’s front tooth just blinded me.

8:03: Who are all these sorry looking people on stage? Christ, is that the Top 12, or the newest castmembers of Freaks And Geeks: The Musical?

8:05 Michael Lynche is up first. He’s wearing a scarf too! What the hell?

FYI: IT’S ROLLING STONES NIGHT – and personally, they’re one of my most hated bands of all time. Goodie!

8:07: Michael is singing Miss You. Wait, is he the kid from The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock? He’s dancing around the stage like a freak, and his poor pants zipper looks like its hanging on for dear life.

Simon said his performance was “verging on desperate.” I agree. I’m not impressed. NEXT!

Hey everybody! Welcome to WE HATE IDOL’s coverage of American Idol: Season 9. I’m Jillian Madison. Please note, if you’re looking for kind, gentle commentary about the contestants and the judges, this isn’t the site for you. We’re all about making fun of the imbeciles on the show, and our snarky live-blogs and photos will reflect that.

The action starts at 8 EST. Come back then and skewer the show with us in the comments section!

8:03: Here we go – Season 9 is underway. Paula Abdul: out. C-list celebrity guest judges: in. The auditions are starting in Boston.

Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) is the first guest judge, and for some ungodly reason, she’s wearing a piece of a black stocking on her head.

8:08: The first contestant is JANET McNAMARA, who thinks she’s qualified to be here because she played the American Idol video game on her Nintendo Wii. Her stomach is pouring out over her jeans. This woman is a walking muffin top. She’s singing “Pocket Full Of Sunshine” and it’s hideous. The judges are appropriately horrified. Janet didn’t make the cut.

8:14: Here comes some random girl with 11 brothers and sisters. One of them has Downs Syndrome, so you know she’s going to make it to the next round.

Scratch that – SEVERAL of her siblings have Downs Syndrome.

Maddy’s singing “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. I liked Brandi Carlile’s version better, but she has a nice voice. But come on, a dying whale would have sounded good after Janet. And of course, she made it to Hollywood.

8:20: Aaand, here comes Pat Ford, a loser in an Abercrombie polo screaming “HOLLER” and thinking he’s funny for doing so. He’s singing “Womanizer.” Is that supposed to be funny because he’s not? God, this season is boring me already. NEXT!

8:30: Nothing tells you you’re in the northeast like an overweight, greasy meathead from Rhode Island screaming at you in broken Italian. Meet 28-year old Amadeo Diricco. ROCK ME, AMADEO! Kara said she felt like she was “at home with her cousin” and Simon said it was his “favorite audition of the day.” They put him through. The entire cast of Jersey Shore is now celebrating in the waiting area.

8:33: Some loser with pimply skin just said he started “GRADUSTATING” to music a few years ago. Obviously, since he didn’t do any GRADUSTATING from college.

8:41: Mary Doyle is up next. She’s got yellow teeth, red hair, and she’s obsessed with Anime. Whatever. She’s boring, and I’ve got 50 bucks that says she didn’t get asked to prom.

8:45: Ah, finally. A rejected hipster in a knit ski cap singing Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. My life is complete.

8:48: They sure are loving this toolbag in the non-prescription tortoise shell glasses, aren’t they? His name is Andrew Fenlen, and guess what…

He’s also a total dick. Victoria Beckham called him “hideously arrogant” and Kara DioGuardi went off on him for 5 minutes. He was like watching Clark Kent’s much less talented, much more obnoxious younger brother. He was the most interesting person on the entire episode, but he didn’t make it through to Hollywood.

9:00: We’re an hour into this shit, and I haven’t seen Victoria Beckham smile once. Does her face even move anymore?

9:02: The only thing I hate more than Alicia Keys is people who sing Alicia Keys on their American Idol audition.

I also just realized I don’t miss Paula Abdul at all. It’s like she was never even there to begin with.

9:04: Tyler Grady just sang “Let’s Get It On.” He looks like he just stole Greg Brady’s wardrobe from the episode when he  moved his bedroom into Mike’s den.

9:05: Oh, look! Another commercial! This gives me time to discuss how useless Victoria Beckham is as a judge. All she’s done is comment on people’s clothing. I didn’t realize I was watching Fashion Idol. Thanks for the memo.

9:10: JUST when I thought this premiere couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Seacrest is giving a history lesson about the Boston Tea party. Somewhere in America, my 7th grade Social Studies teacher is ecstatic.

9:12: Personally, I’m too distracted by the sheer amount of hair on Simon’s arm to be horrified by Lisa’s awful rendition of Marian Carey’s “Vision Of Love.”

9:15: I’m getting seasick just watching that Godzilla speedboat spinning around the water. Can this Mike guy sing his awful Beatles song and be done with it? Oh, great. They sent him through to Hollywood, even though he sang the first half of his song in a completely different key. Following in Adam Lambert’s footsteps, is he?

9:23: Time for Katie Stevens, a Portugese girl with a grandmother who has Alzheimers. This is totally sad. They’re showing footage of Katie spoonfeeding her and everything. Whatever. That’s playing dirty. I don’t even need to hear this girl sing. You know they’re going to send her through to Hollywood.

Aaaand, they sent her to Hollywood. Is this show predictable or what?

9:29: Further proof this is the most boring premiere episode ever: Randy just referenced SPANDAU BALLET. I rest my case.

9:30: I’m so sick of these sob stories. Yes, people have cancer, sick grandmothers, and disabled siblings. But do the Idol producers think the American population is so stupid, we can’t like someone without hearing their corny backstory?

9:39: Dear God. Not the “Turn The Tub Around” butter commercial. Is Megan Mullally that hard up for cash?

9:45: Norberto Guerrero looks like Latoya Jackson’s corpse. I’m terrified. I think I saw him spraypainted on the side of a loud ride at my local town carnival once.

WE HATE IDOL COMMENT OF THE NIGHT: “So, are Bosa’s parent sending me e-mail scams yet?” -Vomit

And that brought this awful episode to an end! Join us tomorrow night for another episode of American Idol. Thankfully, it’s only 90 minutes. There is a God.