Michael Sarver and Alexis Grace were the bottom two, but Alexis was voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode.

Earlier in the episode, Randy Jackson couldn’t remember Alexis’ name and referred to her as “ALLISON.” Yeah. If a judge can’t even remember your name at this stage in the game, you’re pretty much screwed.

Have fun playing with your daughter and singing Jolene in the shower. Bye bye.

When it comes to American Idol, few words are as cringe inducing as “Grand Ole Opry Night.” This year was no exception. Who was the best? Who was the worst? I’m Jillian Madison…  let’s do this.

TOP 11: Grand Ole Opry Night with Randy Travis (3/17/09)

Michael Sarver kicked off the show, with his awful, twangy version of Garth Brooks’ “Ain’t Goin Down Til The Sun Comes Up.” He stumbled out on stage and awkwardly started high-fiving people in the audience (and let’s face it, high fiving is lame enough as it is without throwing Garth Brooks into the mix). He remembered the words to the song, but so what? The random guy playing harmonica on the side of the stage stole the performance. Sorry, Michael, total FAIL. Rating: 4/10.

Allison Irahetta was next, with her rendition of “Blame It On Your Heart” by Patty Loveless. Allison gives the same performance every week, and I’m so tired of her already. That, and she’s just downright creepy. She’s 16, but sounds like a 60 year old, 3 pack a day smoker pouring quarters into a slot machine at a casino. Scary. Can’t stand her. Rating: 5/10.

Kris Allen sang “To Make You Feel My Love” by – shocking – Garth Brooks. I’ll just say this: if I wanted to watch someone sitting in a chair making painful squinty faces for 3 minutes, I’d open the bathroom door while my uncle was trying to go “number two.” His performance was somber and boring and I felt like I was watching FUNERAL IDOL.  Rating: 5/10.

Lil Rounds sang “Independence Day” by Martina McBride. Zzzzzz. Forced, fake, and boring. Lil can sing, but you’d never know it by tonight’s performance. And unfortunately, her wardrobe was disgusting, too. Was she for real with that hideous 90s prom dress? And that costume jewelry! Is she trying to look like a retired Jewish grandmother in Boca? She looked like she was wearing pieces of a chandelier from a Titanic replica. Rating: 4/10.

Worst performance of the night: ADAM LAMBERT’s pitiful, overdone, Indian sitar rendition of “Ring Of Fire” by Johnny Cash. Now, before you start trying to tell me it was unique and original, no asshole, it was not. Supernova’s Dilana did an almost identical version 2 years ago, with sitar and all. Busted, Adam. Sorry, but I have a memory, and I never forget a performance.

Anyway. Halfway through his self indulgent, stolen performance, he started lifting up his shirt and stroking his stomach like a rejected car model in a Whitesnake video. I’m not a prude, but come on. This is a family show, douchebag. I honestly don’t know why this guy is so in love with himself, but he needs to join the rest of us back on planet Earth. He’s nothing special at all. Can’t someone just hire him for a Broadway production of Rent so I don’t have to deal with his bullshit every week? Rating: 1/10 – AS BAD AS IT GETS.
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	Scott Macintyre sang “Wild Horses” by Martina McBride. Of course he did. And he played his little piano. Of course he did. Look, people, the guy is mediocre and whiny and has no business being on this show. He belongs playing keyboard and singing back-up at his church’s production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Even Paula Frickin’ Abdul told him to give it a rest with the piano bullshit. What does that tell you? Rating: 3/10.
	Alexis Grace completely BUTCHERED one of the most classic songs of all time, “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. AND, the tacky bitch used the stairs as a prop in her performance. The judges hated it, but the camera man sure did love her fat friend in the audience. She got more camera time than Alexis did! Rating: 2/10.
	Danny Gokey is a HUGE TOOL. He made a fool of himself in front of Randy Travis, and then came out on stage wearing a STRAIGHT JACKET. It was his worst performance by far, but the judges still kissed his ass as usual. Just groom, groom, grooming him for the finals (the entire show is rigged). Could the judges make bigger fools of themselves over-praising this dweeb? Rating: 2/10.

Did you guys get the memo? Annoying Megan Joy Corkrey dropped her last name, and is now just MEGAN JOY. She did not, however, drop her idiotic dance moves. She sang “Walking After Midnight” by Patsy Cline and pee-pee danced her way through the entire performance as usual. And what about that dress she was wearing? EW. Her boobs looked like droopy coconuts. Rating: 5/10.

And did anybody else notice Megan was wearing the EXACT SAME EARRINGS AS PAULA ABDUL??? They were identical.

Anoop sang “Always On My Mind” by Willie Nelson. It was his best performance so far. Rating: 7/10. And finally, Matt Giraud sang “So Small” by Carrie Underwood, and it was more of the same from him. Piano, facial gymnastics, blah blah blah. Rating: 5/10.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

Jasmine Murray and Jorge Nunez were voted off American Idol tonight (3/11/09). Jasmine: pretty, but forgettable. Jorge: nice guys finish LAST. Bye bye.

There is a slight twist to the voting this year. There is now a lame JUDGES SAVE – which they can use to once during the competition to save one contestant from elimination. No one will be sent home the week they use the veto. Instead, two people will go home the next week. So much for this being a competition decided by the public. Blow me, American Idol.

Finally, the auditions and semi-finals are over. I never thought they’d end. Two people are going home tomorrow. Who’s it going to be? Let’s go over tonight’s performances.

TOP 13: Michael Jackson Night (3/10/09)

LIL’ ROUNDS kicked off the show with “The Way You Make Me Feel.” Her voice was decent, but her clothes were hideous. Come on. White parachute pants? Was she channeling the spirit of MC Hammer?

SCOTT MACINTYRE sang “Keep The Faith” while he played his stupid piano. The performance was SO BORING. Unfortunately, his hair literally looked like a bird’s nest. I was far too preoccupied by his gross ‘fro to care about his voice. And get this! Apparently, his sister is blind too! And they sing really bad blind music together. Tragic. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if this guy was not blind, he wouldn’t be on this show. Here’s the memo guys: we’re all watching PITY IDOL.

3. DANNY GOKEY sang “PYT.” (Disclaimer: I HATE DANNY GOKEY and his lame-ass glasses and his moronic facial expressions.) He gave a self indulgent performance that reeked of his false self confidence and his Deisgner Imposters Wal-Mart body spray. Spit flew out of his mouth every time he screamed, and it was really revolting to look at. And so was his dated, tired tweed blazer. Who dressed him? His 8th grade Social Studies teacher? Apparently, Gokey is a loser at home, too. His intro video showed him walking around imitating a chicken, as his lame family looked on and laughed. I’m glad I’m not a GOKEY.

	4. Michael Sarver sang “You Are Not Alone.” Nice guy. Loves his family. Takes care of his kid and I can respect that. But this asshat has no Earthly business being on this show. His performance was horrible and cheesy and was literally painful to listen to. I felt like I was in a dentist’s office reception room, waiting to get a tooth cleaning. Kill me now.
	Kris Allen sang “Remember The Time” (with his guitar that you couldn’t even hear, so what the hell was the point?) He has one doofus facial expression, the “constipated John Mayer,” and he flashes it to the point of nausea. The judges didn’t really like the performance. Because it SUCKED ASS.
	Allison Iraheta sang “Give It To Me” – and unfortunately, she wasn’t referring to a box of hair dye. I thought this was one of the worst performances of the night. Clotheswise, it looked like Avril Lavigne threw up on her upper half, with all those silver chains and that cheap black plastic coat she was wearing. And apparently, she sings at some random Mexican Costco at home when she’s bored:

After her performance, Simon told her to lighten up. And the bitch actually snapped back, “I’m not dark. It’s not like I’m cutting myself.” The crowd went silent. Her parents gasped. Even Paula Abdul was mortified, and made the “zip your mouth and throw away the key, you stupid bitch” gesture:

Anoop Desai then sang “Beat It” which – coincidentally – is what he does by himself every night in his parents’ basement. OH SNAP! The performance was GOD-AWFUL. Even Paula Abdul hated it and slammed him, and that has to tell you something. And WTF? Is that The Matrix in the background?

Adam Lambert. Another “performer” on this season of Idol that I really CAN’T STAND. He sang “Black Or White” as he fantasized about having skin that wasn’t more riddled with craters than the surface of the moon. As usual, he had on more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker. His voice was grating and his singing was off pitch, and yet the judges licked his ass. Did they watch the same performance? Because I thought he sucked. Paula told him to “take it all in.” Yeah, I bet he did that last night, if you catch my perverted drift.

Everyone else:

Jasmine Murray sang “I’ll Be There.” Good vocals, but really boring and forgettable. And why was she wearing a nightgown from 1972?

Jorge Nunez sang “Never Can Say Goodbye” and his performance was awful. Slow, boring, and dull. Something you’d hear while picking out baked potatoes in a low-end supermarket in Miami. That shit may fly in Puerto Rico, but not on the mainland, buddy. Even Paula Abdul hated it.

Megan Corkrey sang “Rockin’ Robin” – and I hated it. I felt like I was at a sock hop. And for Christ’s sake, Megan, clean the boogers out of your damn kid’s nose. Is it that hard??? Gross.

Matt Giraud sang “Human Nature” and played the piano. He’s like a less entertaining, uglier version of Justin Timberlake.

Alexis Grace was last. She sang “Dirty Diana” and it was average. She would have had the 1-866-IDOLS-13 phone number, but since it’s a PORN HOTLINE, they gave her “1-866-IDOLS-36.” Ryan said they chose the number 36 because there was a top 36 in the competition. I thought they chose it to honor the number of brain cells Paula Abdul had left.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

Anoop “Unibrow” Desai totally bombed with his rendition of “Beat It” on tonight’s American Idol Top 13 show.

Full episode recap coming soon!

This year, American Idol has a top 13 instead of a top 12… and there’s one tiny problem:

THE MORONIC PRODUCERS FORGOT TO SECURE THE 1-866-IDOLS-13 PHONE NUMBER FOR VOTING PURPOSES.

If you dial 1-866-Idols-13, as of right now, 7 hours before showtime, you get a very NSFW sultry message from a porn hotline. Absolutely hysterical.

Pophangover Exclusive: click here to listen to the audio of the message currently being played on 1-866-IDOLS-13.

Tonight’s wildcard show was mind numbingly boring. Most of the contestants sang songs they’ve already sung before, including Tatiana, who sang “Saving All My Love For You” for the THIRD time this competition. Her performance was weak, and she was kicked to the curb. Bye-bye, Tatiana. Exit stage left. And take your new fake British accent with you.

They’re mixing it up this year, and having a top 13 instead of a top 12. The final 4 chosen during tonight’s Wildcard competition: JASMINE MURRAY, MEGAN CORKREY, MATT GIRAUD, and ANOOP.

The complete top 13: Scott Macintyre (the blind guy), Jorge Nunez (the Puerto Rican guy), Lil Rounds (the girl with the lame name), Allison Irahetta (the tween with the pink hair and unfortunate braces on her lower teeth), Kris Allen (the country hillbilly), Adam Lambert (the broadway freak), Alexis Grace (the boring meek mouse), Michael Sarver (the fat oil worker), Danny Gokey (the dork with the 92 pairs of glasses who pimps his dead wife for votes), Jasmine Murray (the boring black girl), Megan Corkrey (the raspy blonde mother with the tattoos), Matt Giraud (the dorky Justin Timberlake piano player), and Anoop (the Indian dork with the unibrow).

Translation: Officially the LOSER-IEST CAST OF ALL TIME.

The top 13 will be performing on Tuesday night.

Scott Macintyre, Jorge Nunez, and Lil Rounds were the top 3 chosen from last night’s Group 3. They will join Allison Irahetta, Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver, and Danny Gokey as the top 9.

The final 3 wildcard finalists will be chosen tomorrow, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

(3/3/09) Finally… the last group of auditions!  I’m Jillian Madison and I’ll be serving up tonight’s live-blogging goodness. You know the drill.

First up: VON SMITH singing “You’re All I Need To Get By.”  I can’t stand this little dweeb, or his red velvet bowling shoes. And stop the presses… he has a BOOGER in his left nostril. Now that’s too bad. Simon said he looked “appalling,” and said Von reminded him of Clay Aiken.

2nd performer: Taylor Vaifauna from Utah. One of the many performers who forgot her lyrics during Hollywood week, yet made it to the Final 36 anyway. She’s singing “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys – taking us all on a one way train to BORINGVILLE. Do you guys think she has enough bracelets on? Simon said it was generic and bland. Let’s cut to the chase: I say the only way she’ll make it to the next round is if everyone else DIES before tomorrow.

3rd performer: Alex Wagner (the British elf). To call him a dork would be the understatement of the century. The producers can muss his hair up as much as they want… it’s only making him look like a dork who just rolled out of bed. He’s singing Elton John “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” … and the performance is God-awful. My ears and my eyes are simultaneously bleeding. He’s screaming and groaning and grunting. Holy shit, he just knocked over the microphone stand. After this performance, now *I* know why they call it the blues. Paula called him “entertaining.” Hold on, let me consult my “PAULA ABDUL TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY.” Yep, just as I thought. She just called him a “talentless dweeb.”

4th performer: Arianna Afsar, the “cute as a button” (as Kara called her) 17 year old from California, is up next. She’s singing an ABBA song. Not even a fun ABBA song! This performance is something my grandmother would have loved. Everyone else, not so much. Lighten up, Arianna, you’re 17, not 84. The song and the performance are not relevant or timely at all. Simon called it “absolutely terrible… a huge mistake, with an incredible dreary arrangement… like being at a funeral.” Yep. That sums it up. Kara’s advice was to: “be young and touch people.” Sounds illegal.

5th performer: Ju’Not Joyner is up next. He says he’s a “business owner.” Is that what they’re calling “unemployed entertainers” these days? He’s singing “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s.  Actually, he’s breathing it… and licking his lips a lot. Another bad song choice. This song only has 3 notes in it. And I’m falling asleep. The nasty sweat all over his head looks like glitter spray. And he’s STILL licking his lips. Somebody get this guy some Chap-Stick. The judges were underwhelmed. Whoa, hold up, suddenly Kara is black? She just said “YEAH, THAT’S WASSUP.” Give me a break. And PS, Ju’not, just so you know, no one cares about the cortizone shot you had in your ass.

6th performer: Kristen McNamara, 23, is a KARAOKE HOST. She’s singing “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman. And surprisingly, this isn’t a karaoke performance… it’s another typical American Idol cruise ship cabaret performance. I have nothing to say about this boring blonde, so instead, I will begin to mentally prepare myself for Nathaniel Marshall’s performance, because he is up next.

Nathaniel is wearing skin tight black jeans, and a blue glitter headband. He looks like an uglier version of Ani DiFranco, back when she was a lesbian. He’s a bitter drama queen. His facial piercings are nasty. Everything about him is repulsive. And he is officially my MOST HATED IDOL CONTESTANT.

Nathaniel is singing “Anything For Love” by Meatloaf. He’s waving his arms around like someone fleeing from African honey bees. This is one of the cheesiest performances I have ever seen on idol; he’s acting like he’s in a high school play… which is where he should. Oh, and I especially love the t-shirt hugging the spare tire around his waist, too. Nice nook, Nathaniel. Maybe he should spend less time beating off to his Boy George poster, and more time in the gym. Simon said his performance “verged on excruciating and uncomfortable.”

Now they’re talking to Nathaniel’s grandmother in the audience. Why? They didn’t talk to anyone else’s family members. And now Nathaniel is shaking all the judges’ hands and he’s sitting on Paula’s lap. This is really pathetic. The judges and producers have an agenda, and they are clearly pushing for this douchebag to make it to the next round.

8th performer: Felicia Barton, 26, stay at home mom. She’s the one who took Joanna Pacitti’s place after she was rightfully thrown off the show. She’s singing “No One” by Alicia Keys. The judges originally cut her, but so far, she has the best vocal performance of the night (again, not saying much).

9th performer: Scott Macintyre, the blind guy who kept staring at his keyboard during Hollywood week, is up next. This guy is an average performer. If he wasn’t blind, he wouldn’t be here. Oh, wait, he’s singing “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby. Say it with me: “OF COURSE HE IS.” God, this is bad. Pitchy and boring. I sure hope he doesn’t fall off the stage. That would be funny bad. Oh, DID I MENTION THIS PERFORMANCE IS PAINFUL? Of course, the judges are kissing his ass. Blah blah blah. Simon said he was the only one who sang a song with “relevance.” My ass. Bruce Hornsby hasn’t been RELEVANT since the Reagan administration.

10th performer: Kendall Beard, singing “This One’s For The Girls” by Martina McBride. She’s wearing a banana yellow dress, and a belt with what seems to be 10 dead birds sewn to it. She’s having major pitch problems, and the performance is just average at best. She actually reminds me of Tamra from Real Housewives of Orange County. Kara said, “you had pitch provlems, but you have that big………. PERSONALITY…” And by personality, she meant boobs.

11th performer (hang in there, we’re almost done!): Jorge Nunez. He looks like every greasy haired scumbag who hits on you while you’re vacationing in Puerto Rico. He’s singing “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” by Elton John. His eyebrows are FUCKING HUGE. It looks like 2 tarantulas died on his head. Is that how they rock it in Puerto Rico? I thought the performance sucked, but Paula Abdul loved it. She clearly wants to have his babies.

12th performer: Lil Rounds from Kansas City. Her sister Big Squares is reportedly in the audience. She’s singing “Without You” by Mary J Blige. She has a good voice, but this song is not showing that at all. Audience loved it, judges loved it, I thought it was meh.

And that’s it! IT’S OVER! Here are my picks for tonight’s top 3: Von Smith, Kendall Beard, and Lil Rounds.

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments and we’ll bring you the news tomorrow night as soon as the results are announced.