Another week, another episode of American Idol to live blog! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight, the top 7 performers will be singing God-awful Disco songs that no one wants to hear. Last week, the idiotic judges wasted their moronic save on Matt Giraud. $50 bucks says he’ll be gone tomorrow night, like he should have been last week. Aaaand, now that you’re all caught up, let’s get down to business.

Lil Rounds is up first with Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman”. She’s wearing a black spandex onesie that’s showcasing every unfortunate ounce of her cellulite. The performance was boring, and Simon said he thought it would be her last performance on Idol. Actually, I’d like to suggest we Americans just send ALL of these poor bastards home. This is the least talented, least interesting crop of people that have taken the Idol stage in the entire history of the show. Rating: 4/10.

Kris Allen is up next, singing “She Works Hard For The Money” by Donna Summer. Ryan asked him why he chose that song, and he said “because it’s a story about a woman.” WOW, REALLY? Jesus. Thanks for clearing that up, you moron. (Is it me, or does he look and sound dumber every week?) He’s on stage with his guitar, standing next to some dude with bongos, and I hardly recognize the song at all. The arrangement is bad, and sounds like something you’d hear in Starbucks while you’re waiting for your overpriced cup of coffee. And hold the phone, Paula Abdul just spilled the beans and told everybody that Kris Allen shops for clothes  in the WOMEN’S DEPARTMENT. Sounds about right! Rating: 5/10.

Danny Gokey is singing “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire,  and it’s terrrrrrible. This performance screams “eight o’clock cabaret show on the Lido deck” and no one will remember it in the morning. How many more weeks is this loser going to keep embarrassing himself on our televisions? He’s not a star. He belongs back home in Wisconsin, tipping cows and singing hymns at church functions. Can’t stand him. Rating: 3/10.

While Allison Irahetta is singing “Hot Stuff,” I’m wondering exactly how many gallons of Crisco the Idol wardrobe crew had to put on her body to slide her into that black pleather dress. This girl sounds exactly the same every week, whether she’s singing disco or R&B or a children’s rhyme. The judges are grooming her for the semi-finals, but let’s face it: she’s only where she is on the show because everyone else sucks so badly. Rating: 4/10.

Adam Lambert is singing “If I Can’t Have You” from Saturday Night Fever, and it’s one of the most boring, most self indulgent performance in the history of the show. Bottom line: Adam Lambert is overrated. His voice is mediocre at best. And frankly, he needs to cut his disgusting fauxhawk, because he’s starting to look like KD Lang.  Rating: 1/10.

Matt Giraud is singing “Staying Alive” and, wow, it’s just laughably bad. America voted him off the show last week, and they’ll do it again this week. He’s grunting, riffing, and moaning, and I think this is probably his worst performance on the Idol stage. Simon agreed with me and called it “desperate and unoriginal.” Rating: 2/10.

Finally, Anoop is singing “Dim All The Lights.” He’s wearing his grandfather’s suit, and a bright pink Pepto Bismol sweater vest he borrowed from Paris Hilton. The arrangement? Weak. The vocals? Pitchy. The performance? Corny and boring. Simon called it “mediocre at best” – and that’s being kind. Rating: 3/10.

Let’s be honest – this entire episode SUCKED. There were no stand-out performances, and these seven contestants are dull and boring. The best part? Ryan Seacrest telling Anoop he looked like “Groucho Marx with his eyebrows” after his performance. Priceless.

As usual, we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. See you then!

Lil and Matt were the bottom 2 performers tonight, and Matt got the fewest votes. BUT NOT SO FAST. The judges used their one lame save, and spared him from elimination. This means two people will be going home next week.

We’ll see you back here then when the Idol wannabe’s take on awful disco songs. Get your earplugs ready. HOLY MOLEY!

Another week, another episode of American Idol! Tonight, the top 7 performers will be singing songs from movies. Quentin Tarantino, one of my favorite filmmakers, will be the guest mentor. I’m Jillian Madison and I’ll be serving up tonight’s live-blogging goodness. Now let’s do this!

8:06: We’re now getting Quentin Tarantino’s entire life history. I thought this was American Idol, not an episode of E! True Hollywood Story.

8:08: Finally! Allison Irahetta is singing “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from Aerosmith (aka, one of my top 3 most hated songs of all time). The performance is really boring and safe. Even worse, her wardrobe is hideous. Girlfriend is wearing an oversized black art smock, with a pair of rejected pants from Avril Lavigne’s Abbey Dawn clothing line. The judges liked her performance, and Simon called her the “girl’s only hope left in the competition.” That’s not saying much, considering the only other girls in the competition are Lil’ and ADAM. Rating: 5/10.

Anoop is next, singing “Everything I Do I Do It For You” by Bryan Adams. Quentin told him to “rough it up” (translation: he sounds like a pussy). Why is his upper lip sweating so badly? Why are his eyebrows thicker than the rose bushes in my grandmother’s back yard? Why am I so bored? Ryan asked him who he was thinking of while singing the song, and he said he “couldn’t say.” Oh, be honest, Anoop. It was Adam Lambert, wasn’t it. Rating: 5/10.

Speaking of the devil, Adam Glambert is up next, singing “Born To Be Wild” from the movie Easy Rider (another one of my most hated songs. Lucky me.) And surprise, it’s more self indulgence and screaching and guyliner from Adam! This week, he looks like a Munster, complete with black painted fingernails that went out of style in 1992. And sadly for Adam, the 92 gallons of foundation on his face isn’t covering up his cratered skin – it’s accentuating it. Vocally, even the most die-hard Glambert fans will have to admit this is easily one of his worst performances so far. Simon agreed, and thankfully didn’t kiss his ass. Bottom line: how many more weeks will we have to watch this tool running around on stage, screaming like a bitch whose balls are being squeezed in a vise? Kill me now. Rating: 1/10.

8:30: Matt Girard is singing “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” by Bryan Adams (officially one of the corniest songs of all time). Somehow, Matt’s rendition is even WORSE than the original. He’s off pitch, his timing is off, and his riffs sound out of place in a song like this. It’s like trying to riff Mary Had A Little Lamb. You can’t. It just comes out sounding retarded. The judges didn’t like it, either. Randy agreed with me that you just “can’t do a lot of stuff with a song like that.” Rating: 3/10.

(Random note: IS IT ME OR IS THIS ONE OF THE MOST BORING EPISODES OF IDOL EVER???)

Gross Gokey is up next. He’s singing “Endless Love” by Lionel Richie. Wow. Apparently, it’s CORNY ASSED DENTIST’S OFFICE MUSIC NIGHT on American Idol. There’s a freakin’ HARP on stage with him for Christ’s sake. Atrocious. Piss poor song choice. Awful arrangement. Judges hated it. Go the hell home, Danny. Rating: 3/10.

(Question: What the hell is wrong with Quentin? Does he have ADD? Why is there a huge scab on his knuckle? And why is he wearing PLATFORM SNEAKERS like he’s Stevie Nicks? Inquiring minds need to know.)

Kris Allen is singing some song I’ve never heard of called “Falling Slowly.” Wow. And I thought Danny Gokey’s performance was boring? I literally have nothing to say. Wake me up when he go-goes. Randy Jackson hated it, Kara Dioguardi loved it, and I officially need some No-Doz. Rating: 3/10.

Lil Rounds is the last performer (finally) and she’s singing “The Rose” by Bette Midler – thus completing the night of music to get dental work by. She can sing, and she sounds good, but it’s still THE ROSE and I’m not 74 years old. Simon slammed her performance. What else is new. Rating: 5/10.

And that’s it! We’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. G’night!

Anoop and Scott were the bottom two performers tonight, but ultimately Scott Macintyre was the one sent home. No surprise there. He sucked last night, and frankly, I have no idea how he even made it as far as he did in the competition. Bye, Scott. I won’t miss you one bit.

What else did we learn tonight? Flo-Rida sweats like a pig, Kellie Pickler still can’t sing live, and Adam Lambert looks perfectly at home with half of his face covered in glitter and plastic.

We’ll see you next week for more WEHATEIDOL.

Attention internet, idiotic bloggers, and moronic magazine editors:

Stop acting like Simon Cowell gave Adam Lambert a standing ovation last night because his performance was good. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT, AND THAT’S NOT WHY IT HAPPENED.

The show ran 10 minutes long, and many people had DVR’s that cut off Adam Lambert’s performance. Many others flipped the channel to another show. And as much as I hate Lambert, I have to say this was a huge error on the producer’s part and it could be construed as being unfair to Lambert.

Bottom line: Simon gave Adam a standing ovation because he HAD TO. He had to do something to counteract the fact that so many people could have potentially missed Adam’s performance, and to shut up the people who would be screaming that Adam “lost votes” because of the mishap.

As always, Adam Lambert Sucks. With or without a faux-genuine standing ovation.

Love,
WE HATE IDOL

Another week, another episode of American Idol! Tonight, the top 8 performers will be singing songs from the year they were born. I’m Jillian Madison and I’ll be serving up tonight’s live-blogging goodness. Now let’s do this!

8:02: They’re showing baby pictures. Man, Kara DioGuardi was an ugly baby. Ryan Seacrest was even uglier. Ryan’s picture flashed up on screen, and Paula asked him if he “liked carrots when he was little.” Oh Paula, so clever! Wait, is she saying Ryan had buck teeth, or he looked orange? Oddly enough, either one works here.

8:05: Danny Gokey is up first, because he’s the oldest. He’s singing some strange version of Stand By Me from 1980. He’s sporting a new pair of clear glasses and he looks chubbier than he did last week. Maybe he’s retaining water. Wait, since when is Stand By Me a DISCO song?! The arrangement is God-awful. Not feeling it at all. Rating: 4/10.

8:15: Kris Allen, born in 1985, is next up singing “All She Wants To Do Is Dance.” Oh, shocking, he’s throwing down more facial gymnastics. He’s got his guitar and he’s surrounded by a bunch of 13 year old girls pretending to be into his low energy performance. Man, there were so many great songs in 1985, and he chose this one? Big mistake. The judges hated it! Rating: 3/10.

8:21: Lil’ Rounds, born in 1984, is now singing “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” I love this song, but Lil’s performance just an average karaoke rendition of one of the most classic songs of all time. The whole thing felt clone-ish, down to Tina Turner’s footwork as she walked across the stage. Disappointing, and the judges railed her for it. Rating: 4/10.

8:30: Anoop completely shattered his frat boy image by screaming, “WHOO! TAR HEELS!” during his pre-song interview with Ryan Seacrest (sarcasm, people). Born in 1986, he is singing True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. And somewhere in America, a J Crew mannequin is looking a little less stylish without its green and white striped cardigan. This performance REEKS of adult contemporary “I’m getting dental work done” but the judges praised him anyway. They must be drunk. Rating: 4/10.

8:40: Scott Macintyre was born in 1985, and he’s singing “The Search Is Over” by Survivor. Oh my dear Lord, this is SHOCKINGLY BAD. Definitely one of his worst performances ever (and for the record, I can’t stand the noise that comes out of his mouth whenever he holds a note). This is getting worse every second. Why is he on this show? And why are the judges kissing his ass? Kara said it was too “over ambitious for him.” Say what you mean, Kara: “He sounds like a dying cat whenever he opens his mouth.” Rating: 2/10.

8:46: Allison Iraheta was born in 1992 (holy shit), and is singing “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt. And you know what? It’s by far the best performance of the night. She chose the right song, and she sang it well and with emotion. My cynical, sarcastic ass doesn’t have much to say, other than A) it’s too bad her personality sucks, and B) she looks like she borrowed her skirt from one of the dead zombies in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. Rating: 7/10.

8:54: Matt Giraud was born in 1985. He’s singing “Part Time Lover” by Stevie Wonder. IT IS AWFUL. TO STRESS HOW AWFUL IT IS, I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS. This is a fast, upbeat song and yet he slowed it down to the point of it being painful to listen to. Even worse, he’s adding runs every 3 seconds. I think this is one of his worst performances. When will people stop singing Stevie Wonder on this show? No one can pull it off. Stevie is the man. And this is just pathetic. Rating: 2/10.

At least Matt had a fedora on today, so we didn’t have to see that awful mole:

9:02: Annoying Adam GLambert was bon in 1982, and is singing “Mad World” (the song they played every 4 seconds in Donnie Darko). I’m so bored. Oh, wait, he just started screaching. Now I’m just nauseous. This performance DEFINES self indulgent. It’s boring, and sounds like something you’d hear off-off-off Broadway. It’s now 9:06, and they are rushing him off the stage because the show went long. What a pity it would be if he lost votes because of that (evil snickering). Rating: 2/10.

So there you have it! Leave your thoughts in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results tomorrow night as soon as they go down.

Megan, Anoop, and Allison were the bottom 3 performers, but Megan Joy was the one voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode. No more short sleeves and pee-pee dances – horray! BUH BYE, MEGAN.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! We’ve whittled the competition down to the TOP 9, and tonight they sang songs that were “popular downloads on iTunes.” Whatever that means.

Before we start, I have a question. Hey Danny Gokey, how many inches does your penis measure?

Interesting. Just as I thought. I’m Jillian Madison. Now let’s do this.

TOP 9: Top Downloads Night (3/31/09)

	Anoop sang “Caught Up” by Usher. What a disaster. He came across as a pathetic wannabe poser, with less stage presence than of one of Jay-Z’s old bongs. Simon called his performance a “huge mess” – and that’s a huge undersatement. Rating: 4/10.
	Danny Gokey sang “What Hurts The Most” by Rascal Flats. I’ll tell you what hurts the most: MY EARS, from his raspy voice and his half-assed attempts to be relevant and interesting. He belongs singing in a cabaret theater on the Lido deck of a 3rd rate cruise ship. Rating: 4/10.
	Allison Irahetta was HORRIBLE tonight. She sang “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt, and butchered it beyond recognition. She’s like PINK JR. Same color hair, same annoying raspy voice, same unfortunate pig nose. And her outfit, a pink puffy dress and black leggings, was simply tragic. She came out on stage looking like a 4th grader’s interpretation of what punk rock was. Look, even Paula Abdul hated it, and that has to say something. Rating: 3/10.

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Oh, HI SCOTT! Is that you sitting on the edge of the stairs, with your new FUGLY Richard Marx haircut? Yes, it is!

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Scott Macintyre sang “Just The Way You Are” by Billy Joel. Say it with me: “OF COURSE HE DID.” Except his voice was even more grating and intolerable than usual, because he held each note for like 90 seconds. I say it every week and I’ll say it again now: if he was not blind, he wouldn’t be here stinking up the stage with his feathered hair and his pleather jackets. Go away, Scott. We’ll all chip in for a seeing eye dog if that’s what it will take. Rating: 2/10.

Matt Giraud… boring boring boring. Matt Giraud… keyboard keyboard keyboard. He sang “You Found Me” by The Fray, and his vocals were God awful. He just stood there singing the words “you found me” out of tune, over and over and over. And was he playing, like, IN the audience? Weak. One more thing: I am really sick of looking at that huge nasty mole on his forehead. It’s like that scene from Austin Powers: “MOLEY, MOLEY, MOLEY.” It’s all I see. Rating: 2/10.

Lil Rounds. She sang some boring-assed song by Celine Dion. Because she’s 90. And what on Earth did she do to her hair? She looks like a BLOW UP DOLL.

Disclaimer: I hate Adam Lambert. Why? I loathe people who are blatantly in love with themselves. His performances are self indulgent to the point of causing people watching him to feel actual nausea. He thinks he is God’s gift to music, when in reality, he’s just a mediocre talent who never hit it big time because he’s never been good enough. Having said that, his performance tonight was simply awful. He came out on stage with his hair all slicked back and poofy, looking 50% like a rejected extra in Grease, and 50% like a bloated Cory Feldman. He screeched and screamed the lyrics to “Play That Funky Music” and spun around in circles on the stage like a schoolgirl at recess. And at the end of his performance, he THANKED THE BAND, like he was Bruce Springsteen or something. Get over yourself, Adam. Send this toolbag home, America. My ears can’t take much more. Rating: -532/10.

EVERYBODY ELSE:

Megan Joy sang “Turn Your Lights Down Low” by Bob Marley, and her performance made me exclaim, “How is this bitch in the top 9?” I think she’ll be going home tomorrow night. Her voice is so grating on the ears. I’d rather listen to a group of munchkin inhaling helium and screeching the alphabet while running their nails across chalkboards.

And Kris Allen sang “Ain’t No Sunshine” with his little keyboard. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. American Insomnia.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night.

MICHAEL SARVER was thrown off American Idol tonight, after dull lip synched performances by the Idol contestants and Ruben Studdard. I did thoroughly enjoy Scott Macintyre’s complete inability to clap rhythmically to Stevie Wonder’s performance, though:

No recap this week – we’re on vacation – so talk amongst yourselves and we’ll be back next week with more Idol news and recaps!