This is it, guys! The final live blog of the season! Tonight’s bloated results show will be 2 hours and 7 minutes long, so prepare thyselves for a long night of boredom and lame performances (a Steve Martin song? Really?)

Last night’s Kris Allen vs Adam Lambert sing-off was the least watched American Idol finale since the first season. That confirms what we’ve been saying all along: this has been the worst season, with the least interesting and least talented contestants, in the history of the show.

Since this is American Idol, it’s time to cram some advertising down your throats! Be sure to check out our network of fun websites after Idol ends! If you watch the Food Network, you may like Food Network Humor. It pokes fun at the Food Network personalities and shows. And check out Pophangover for original pop culture satire, top 10 lists, TV recaps, and celebrity parodies.

8:05: Kara DioGuardi’s legacy – overusing the word “sweetie.”

8:06: Why the hell are Kris and Adam wearing all white? Did they die? Is this ghost Idol? Or did they suddenly get  lucrative careers as house painters?

Horrible ex-Idol contestant montage #1. Perfect time to get up and grab a snack. Or kill yourselves. Either one.

8:15: David Cook’s singing some slow, boring song with lots of adjectives and biblical references in it. If you’ve never heard it before, it’s probably because the song is so awful that the radio stations refused to play it. Nice to see he still has his signature greasy combover, and silver studded belt from Claire’s though.

One of the We Hate Idol commenters pointed out that David Cook and Kate Gosselin have damn similar haircuts:

8:25: Lil Rounds is looking FIERCE. Queen Latifah, however, has NO business wearing that black spandex unitard. AHH, LATIFAH CAMELTOE! Look away! Save yourselves! I don’t even wanna know what’s under that zipper.

8:40: Kris Allen and Keith Urban are singing “Kiss A Girl” – and even though the twang sounds of country music make my brain feel like it’s being boiled in oil, I have to admit they are pretty good together. Sounds far better than anything Lambert has done all season, that’s for sure.

8:45: World’s worst GLAMOROUS performance from the female Idol rejects. Megan Joy is still doing her twisty-turny baby dance. Fergie doesn’t sound so hot, either. If there was ever a time for Randy to bring back his “Pitchy, dawg, pitchy” critique, that time is NOW.

8:49: What the hell does Fergie have on her right hand? It looks like the world’s cheapest Wolverine costume.

8:52: Another look back at past contestants. Oh, look. Bikini girl. Remember when Kara DioGuardi was funny and feisty? For those 3 minutes? The good ol’ days.

8:53: Bikini Girl got a boob job! Her new fake tits are 2 inches below her chin and they look so gross!

8:55: Bikini Girl and Kara DioGuardi are having a sing-off on stage, to Mariah Carey’s “Vision Of Love.” Kara can sing, I’ll give her that! She sounds great. And personally, I think she’s 500x hotter than Bikini Girl, even though she’s at least 10+ years older. Ooh, drama: Kara ripped open her dress at the end, in the funniest Idol moment of the season. Ryan Seacrest said the judges dared her to do it, and since she did, they’ll be donating money to her favorite charity.

9:05: Danny Gokey is now bastardizing “Hello” by Lionel Richie, one of the most classing songs of all time. Of course, he has a new pair of glasses. “Hello? Is this awful performance over yet?” Nope! Now Lionel Richie is on stage, wearing all black, with a long black trenchcoat, like a rejected extra from the set of The Matrix. If this is Lionel Richie’s new song, it blows.

9:16: What the hell is Lambert wearing? Did he just get his ass kicked by Tina Turner in Mad Max’s Thunderdome? What an attractive look – shoulder boobs. So special. He looks like a moron.

9:17: KISS is on stage singing with Adam. I may get flamed for this, but I think KISS sucks ass. I hate their music, and their schtick is tired and lame. Nothing says “pathetic” quite like senior citizens smashing guitars in platform shoes and face makeup.

9:28: Tacky Santana music montage. Wake me when it’s over. Oh, Heather Locklear is iin the audience, and her face is looking awfully plastic-y!

9:31: Adam and Kris just got new Ford Fusions. And 3 of my gay friends already sent me instant messages saying “no self respecting gay man would be caught dead in a Ford Fusion.” Sorry, Lambert! What I want to know is, who the hell filmed that Ford Focus segment? Why was the camera so shaky? I need a Quaalude.

9:40: Danger! Danger! Scott Macintyre is alone and unattended on stage!

9:41: Rod Stewart is now on stage singing “Maggie.” Call your moms, quick. They’d love this shit. Everyone else, NOT SO MUCH. Why the hell is he here? What is he promoting? What’s wrong with his left leg? DOES HE HAVE A WOODEN LEG???

9:46: TATIANA DEL TORO should have been on this season for the sheer entertainment value alone. She just won the Golden Idol for Outstanding Female Performance. She had it in the bag. Tatiana, we’re saving all our love for your Idol tryouts next season.

9:54: This “We Are The Champions” Queen montage is corny, just like Glambert. It’s been 2 hours. Let’s just have the damn results already.

100 million people voted and the American Idol winner is KRIS ALLEN!!!!!!!!  HE DID IT!  Cocky Adam Glambert thought he had it in the bag! Phenomenal. I feel like it’s New Year’s Eve. Kris defied the odds. The producers and the judges did their best to promote Glambert as much as possible, but they failed. Kris was more talented. Kris was more genuine. And in the end, the right man won.

Thanks for a great season, everybody! We will be back in January, covering the next season of American Idol. We’ll see you then!

-WE HATE IDOL

Well, guys, we made it! We’ve endured bad singers, stage collapses, and and more Adam Lambert ass kissing than I care to mention. Thankfully, tonight marks the final performance show of the season. The winner will be announced in a boring, bloated, far-too-long episode tomorrow night.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, tonight’s finalists are Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. Each guy will sing 3 songs: their favorite song from the season, one song chosen by show creator Simon Fuller, and one song co-written by Kara DioGuardi.

Oh, look. Adam’s dad is on TV, talking about what a little hyperactive, screaming prick he was as a child. Like Adam said, “not much different than I am now.” Precisely.

Adam’s singing Mad World again. This time, the producers spent shitloads of money on stage smoke and fog machines for him. Hopefully the smoke will blow up around his face to make this performance easier to sit through again. He’s wearing all black, with a long black trench coat. So what, he’s trying to earn the trench coat mafia vote now? Do I even need to tell you all how self indulgent this performance is? Even Simon called it “overly theatrical and Phantom of the Opera” – and it was.

Oh dear. Kris Allen’s mother just said “Q-pon” instead of “coupon.” That’s a major no no.

Kris is singing Ain’t No Sunshine. Is he an idiot? Why isn’t he singing Heartless by Kanye from last week? That performance blew everybody away. No one under the age of 72 likes the song Ain’t No Sunshine. Big mistake. And can I mention he doesn’t have fog machines or special lighting like Adam Lambert did? Why don’t they just shut the lights off and have Simon shine a fucking flashlight on him and be done with it?

Adam Lambert is up next, singing Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke, picked for him by Idol creator Simon Fuller. And of course, half way through the song, we were treated to a 13-second long screech with his tongue hanging out. There are no words in the English language strong enough to accurately describe my loathing of his cringeworthy, abrasive voice. Hated every second of it. Someone needs to walk by this toolbag with a pin, pop his gigantic ego, and deliver him back down to Earth. He’s out of control.

And what the hell is going on with Paula Abdul’s excessively orange spray tan? She looks, and sounds,
like an oompa loompa.

Kris is up next, singing What’s Going On. I’ll tell you what’s going on: not much. Another performance that his target audience will not appreciate or be able to relate to. Blame it on Idol creator Simon Fuller who picked this song for him. I’m surprised he didn’t make him sing “Row row row your boat.”

Adam Lambert is now singing a song called No Boundaries, co-written by Kara DioGuardi. Wow. This song is INCREDIBLY CORNY. “With every step you climb another mountain!” Open mouth, vomit, and repeat as necessary. Adam’s overly theatrical performance is only making it more painful. I mean, guys, this is HORRIBLY BAD. The song has the word “hurricane” in it, for God’s sake. I hope no one is listening in New Orleans. Aside from the song, I can’t stand the sight of his bloated face. And frankly, those acid washed pants he’s got on belong in the GARBAGE. Blow my nonexistent penis, Lambert.

I can’t even BELIEVE we have to listen to this God-awful Kara DioGuardi song again. Poor Kris Allen is really struggling with it. It’s way too high for him. He’s pitchy, and he isn’t hitting the notes at all. I know this song sucks, but come on, Kris, it’s the finals. I can’t even blame him. He’s completely out of his element with this song. It’s not his genre or his style, and it was picked because it was more geared toward Adam Lambert’s voice. This was one of Kris Allen’s worst performances to date – and the producers wanted it that way.

That’s all she wrote. This was one of the most awful American Idol finales I’ve ever seen. The song choices were HORRIBLE, the performances were below average, and the Kara DioGuardi song was like a cruel joke against humanity. And we thought Paula Abdul’s song sucked?!

We’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. See you then. We Hate Idol, OUT.

Danny Gokey was thrown off American Idol tonight, and your final two contestants are Adam Glambert and Kris Allen. Have fun forgetting your lyrics and singing old Bette Midler tunes at your Wisconsin church functions, Danny. Buh-bye.

The real story tonight was Katy Perry’s CAPE with the words “ADAM LAMBERT” written on it. Here’s a photo:

Chalk it up to just another disgusting, outrageous display of favoritism for Lambert. The producers never should have allowed her to wear this. What’s next? Simon Cowell pulling down his pants to reveal he had the word LAMBERT tattoo’d on his dick? Revolting.

You know, I disliked Katy Perry before… but now, I loathe her with the fire of a thousand suns.

We’ll see you next week for the final performances. Let’s hear it for Kris.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight, the final 3 will sing two songs each (one that the judges chose for them, and one they picked themselves).

Tonight, we’re officially throwing our support behind KRIS ALLEN. Why? Because Adam Lambert is an untalented, eyeliner abusing, drama queen douchebag who makes me throw up in me mouth. Danny Gokey is a lame, dead-wife pimpin’, glasses-wearin’, closeted Taylor Hicks wannabe. And Kris is the least obnoxious of the three. So there you have it. Uh, go Kris.

Danny is starting the show with Paula’s pick, “Dance Little Sister” by Terrence Trent D’Arby. And of course, it’s the same performance we’ve been seeing for the last 3 months – Danny jumping around on stage doing the white man’s overbite for 3 minutes. Hey Danny – why are your pants tucked into your unlaced boots, you HUGE TOOL? And what is that cheap-ass, busted medallion around your neck!? Yawn. GO HOME, GOKEY. GO HOME. Maybe Wisconsin still loves you, because no one else does. Rating: 3/10.

Kara and Randy chose “Apologize” by One Republic for Kris Allen, who for some reason, has blue nail polish on his right thumb. Sorry, but he just lost major points. He’s on the piano. Rough start, rough middle, rough end. He can not hit those high notes on the “too late” parts to save his life. It sounded like a cloned version of the song; he didn’t own it at all. Sorry, Kris, no good. Rating: 4/10.

Simon chose “One” by U2 for Adam Glambert. It’s already slow, boring, and self-indulgent in the first 5 seconds. Did Adam get a haircut? Because he’s looking like an out of touch lesbian hipster that just got attacked by a pair of rusty gardening shears. This is undoubtedly the WORST rendition of “One” that I’ve ever heard in my life. I can’t believe U2 approved this shit. Another 3 minutes of out of tune shrieking from Adam Lambert, and of course, the judges licked his ass afterwords. Sickening. You know what? His glam-rock, campy, theater boy schtick has been done many times before, by people far more talented. He needs to get over himself, and the judges need a reality check. Far more people hate Lambert than like Lambert. Rating: 1/10.

BREAKING NEWS: We were able to reach Bono of U2 for comment:

Danny Gokey chose “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. God. My eyes could not have rolled any further in the back of my head. THIS IS SO BORING TO ME, CAN’T YOU SEE-EEEEE? Danny is supposed to be making an impression – but with this awful CHURCH RENDITION of an already tacky song, the only people he’s impressing are deaf women over the age of 82. Wrong song, buddy, wrong song. Painful on so many levels. Rating: 1/10.

Kris Allen is up next, singing “Heartless” by Kanye West. And you know what? IT’S AMAZING. 100x better than the original. It’s an unplugged version, just Kris and his guitar. And I’m loving it. Best performance by any performer, of the entire season. By far. Kris Allen just made Lambert and Danny Gokey look even more pathetic. Rating: 10/10.

AND OF COURSE, Adam Lambert is performing last. Again. Because they know whoever performs last, will be freshest in the television viewer’s minds, and will be more likely to get votes when the phone lines open. It’s just another pathetic, strategic move by the Idol producers, to throw even more support behind this untalented Broadway reject. And it’s just another reason WE HATE IDOL.

(And while we’re talking about Lambert… you know the only thing worse than Adam Lambert? ADAM LAMBERT FANS. They are some of the most obnoxious people I’ve ever encountered. They’re rude, they’re immature, and not surprisingly, have a combined IQ of 27. These are the morons who order sausage on their pizza, despite hating sausage, because THAT’S WHAT ADAM ORDERS! They are the pathetic souls who pay $70 on eBay for an Adam Lambert shower curtain. Give me a break. Do the world a favor: get a life, and throw your support behind someone who actually has an ounce of talent.)

Lambert is singing “Cryin” by Aerosmith. And somewhere in America, Steven Tyler is “crying” over his song being bastardized by such a poser. Guys, I’m not just saying this because I hate Adam, but this performance is AWFUL. So much worse than Kris Allen. Honestly, I’m so sick of seeing this TOOL sticking his tongue out. I don’t need to constantly think about where that tongue has been; I feel like he’s gonna give me an STD through my television screen. Horrible. And after one final plea by Simon to get voters to call in for this assface, we’re finally through with tonight’s painful episode. Rating: 1/10.

We’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. Until then…

Danny Gokey performed a hometown concert in Milwaukee – AND FORGOT ALL OF THE WORDS TO BILLIE JEAN. He paced around on stage and just grunted bits of words while the background singers sang the chorus over and over. Then he started talking about how he was “from the church” and the whole performance got all SISTER ACT faster than Whoopie Goldberg could say “you in danger, girl.” The entire thing was embarrassing to say the least.

Hey Gokey, I talked to God, and even he said it’s time for you to go. Peace out. You suck.

I usually don’t write recaps for results shows, but this one episode been so hideous so far, I had to break the rules.

Guys, I’m still speechless and dumbfounded by Paula Abdul’s “performance” of her lame new song, Here For The Music. First, she’s way too old to be shaking her half-naked ass on a stage. This isn’t 1992 anymore, honey, and the only place you should be Rush, Rushing is to the cabinet to pop a Boniva and eat a serving of prunes.

Second, it literally looked look like she was moving in slow-motion. Frankly, her dance moves flowed more slowly than the blood through Paula Deen’s veins. And the entire performance was lip-synched and autotuned! And she still sounded like shit!

And what about Gwen “I haven’t changed my hair or wardrobe since 1994″ Stefani? I am a huge fan of of Gwen and No Doubt, but I was literally EMBARRASSED for her during her performance tonight. She ran on stage and huffed and puffed her way through “Just A Girl” like an out of breath fattie on day 1 at the Biggest Loser ranch. At one point, she literally stopped and did a push-up. Ooh, I’m impressed. One push-up. Jillian Michaels would be proud. At least she sang live, which is more than I can say for the rest of the tools on the American Idol stage.

When all the smoke cleared from Paula Abdul’s performance, Allison Iraheta was voted off American Idol. Kris, Danny, and Adam are the final 3 contestants.

See you next week for more WE HATE IDOL.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight is Rock & Roll night, and the guest mentor will be Slash (lead guitarist for Guns ‘N Roses and Velvet Revolver).

8:04: Oh my god. What happened to Allison Irahetta? It looks like she lost 100 pounds. Does she have swine flu?

8:06: Adam Lambert is first, singing Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. He’s screaming and whining like someone has his underdeveloped testicles in a vise. And somebody call Rosie O’Donnell circa 1990, because he totally stole her dated Flock Of Seagulls lesbian haircut. Sorry, Glambert fans, but this performance is pathetic. It’s not rock and roll, it’s Little Shop of Horrors meets Hedwig and the Angry Inch meets something that is making every cat in my neighborhood curl up and die. You know what? If I wanted to hear 3 minutes of scary screams and moans, I’d buy a Sounds Of Halloween tape. Adam Lambert blows. He shouldn’t be on this show. He should be off Broadway playing the challenging role of Shrek’s Earwax. Rating: 1/10.

8:18: Allison Irahetta is singing Cry Baby by Janis Joplin. If you close your eyes, she sounds like Pink – and I don’t like Pink. The performance is decent and Allison is consistent every week, but I’m bored to death by her. At least her voice doesn’t make you want to claw your eyes out when she holds notes, like Adam Lambert’s does. Rating: 5/10.

8:30: And what time is it? That’s right! Time for an awful duet by Danny Gokey and Kris Allen! They’re singing some awful Styx song that I’ve, thankfully, never heard before in my life. They are just screaming into the microphone, and their harmony sucks. Somewhere in America, the Indigo girls threw up in their mouths a little bit.

8:36: Kris Allen is up next, singing Come Together by The Beatles. Let me be blunt: I HATE THE BEATLES with the fire of 10,000 suns. This whole thing is just*AWFUL* and is one of Kris’ worst performances so far. It’s slow, boring, dated, and forgettable. Welcome to the bottom 2, Kris. Rating: 3/10.

8:47: Gross Gokey is singing Dream On by Aerosmith. If he was as diverse as his eyeglass collection, he’d be more interesting, but this toolbag sounds exactly the same every week. And what about the gross, cheap silver plated jewelry around his neck? He looks like a puny Mr T. And man, Gokey just let out an atrocious 30-second shriek that sounded like it came from a fat kid who didn’t get to the ice cream truck before it drove away. Judges hated it, too. Rating: 2/10.

Adam and Allison are singing a duet. Adam did a fucking COSTUME CHANGE (totally hetero) and is now wearing skin tight striped pants that are accentuating his wide ass and nonexistent penis. They’re singing “Slow Ride” – which is what this entire season has been. A TOTALLY SLOW, PAINFUL FUCKING RIDE.

Simon closed the show by telling Adam, “You may have just given Allison a chance at staying in the competition.” He then ran on stage, pulled down his pants, and BLEW HIM.

We’ll bring you the results tomorrow night as soon as they go down. We Hate Idol – OUT.

Moley Matt was voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode. Again. It was inevitable. All of us here at We Hate Idol hope he enjoys his next 2 years playing carnivals, seedy bars, and church functions. Buh-bye.

Adam was in the bottom 2 with him, so at least America got that much right.

We’ll see you next week!

We’ve all seen the annoying heart shapes that Danny Gokey makes with his hands while Ryan Seacrest reads his voting numbers every week:

And of course we all know Danny Gokey owns  more eyeglasses than any “straight man” on the face of the Earth (in fact, it has been scientifically proven that Gokey has more glasses than all of the nursing homes in the United States combined).

So is it just a crazy coincidence that Lenscrafters recently rolled out a new ad campaign with people making heart shapes with their hands?

There are only three possibilities, all of which make Gokey even more of a loser than we originally thought:

1) Danny Gokey has some secret deal with Lenscrafters, and is getting free eyewear for giving the company shout-outs on each episode.

2) Danny Gokey is giving a shout-out to his late wife, who died of a heart disease. If this is the case, Danny is a douchebag for pimping out the memory of his dead wife for sympathy votes.

or 3) Danny Gokey is JUST A HUGE TOOL, who loves to make fancy heart shapes with his hands like he’s a 7 year old girl.

Whichever one you choose, Gokey blows. The end.

(Thanks to Jill & OneTrickPony for the tip)

Another week, another American Idol live blog! I’m Jillian Madison, and tonight is Rat Pack night. I can hardly wait. We’re in for an hour of horrible renditions of awful songs by dead guys who hung out with Frank Sinatra before we were even born. Why didn’t we do this sooner! Oh well. The good news is, Matt Giraud is wearing a hat, so it will be a mole-free episode. The bad news is, Adam Lambert isn’t out sick with the Swine Flu… so get ready for some more self indulgent screeching.

This week’s mentor is JAMIE FOXX. Right. Because when I think rat pack, I think Jamie Foxx. What’s next? Dolly Parton as a mentor on heavy metal night?

Kris Allen is up first, singing “The Way You Look Tonight.” And just like that, this episode of American Idol turned into a Meg Ryan movie. Kris is singing so slowly, and it feels like he should be serenading 70 year olds on their 50th wedding anniversary. Randy Jackson called it his “best performance to date”  but Simon called it “safe and nice but not incredible.” I thought it was more of the same from Kris Allen – bleh, eh, and meh. Rating: 5/10.

Allison Irahetta is singing “Someone To Watch Over Me.” Good, after she finds someone to watch over her, maybe she can find someone to DRESS HER, because her outfits have been getting worse every week.  Simon said her performance felt “mechanical”. Randy said it was “the bomb.” For the rest of us on planet Earth, it was somewhere in between. Rating: 6/10.

Matt Giraud is wearing his lame fedora again this week, and he’s singing “My Funny Valentine.” He looks like a rejected extra on set of The Sopranos. It’s more of the same – another slow, dull ballad. Simon loved it, Randy hated it, and we just want this painful episode to end. Rating: 4/10.

Danny Gokey is singing “Come Rain Or Come Shine” and even Jamie Foxx is looking at him like “what the hell are you still doing here, tool?” I thought the performance was boring and average, but the judges were virtually orgasming over him. As usual.  Rating: 5/10.

Disgusting Adam Lambert is last. Of course he is. He’s wearing a cheap looking, shiny, fake satin all-white suit and he looks like a scheming used car salesman you wouldn’t even buy a spare tire from. Question:  why does he get this huge grand intro, with a lit up staircase, like he’s the fucking pope? This is completely nauseating. And unfairly biased. Is he blowing the producer?

His face craters are very visible today, and hold the phone – his voice sounds EXACTLY like THE GRINCH. And wow, how special… he just screamed a single note for about 12 seconds. Like we’re all going to be impressed, and think he’s a talented singer because of it. Not so much. Adam Lambert sucks.

Bottom line: he’s a bloated, pig-faced, theatrical, below-average singer who should be entertaining alcoholics on a low end cruise ship.

Paula said he was “just like Michael Phelps.” That’s right… just another DOUCHEBAG. Hate it, hate him. Rating: 1/10.

Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night!