Who won American Idol Season 7 on tonights Results Show: DAVID COOK!

The painfully long results show was a chore to watch. It was nothing but a 2-hour promotional event for upcoming movies, and a platform for old, out-of-touch artists to advertise their new albums. It was actually really pandering, and annoying to watch.

8:00 pm – 8:20 pm: After a CHEESY performance from the Top 12 contestants and Seal (what happened to Seal’s Face?! I know he was in a fire years ago, but it looked even WORSE), we had to sit through a gratuitous, 10-minute long promo for Mike Myers’ new movie, The Love Guru. Somebody needs to tell Mike Myers or Guru Pitka, enough with the Mariska Hargitay reference. It was funny the first 2 times but by the 10th time he said it, I wanted to beat him over the head with his fake sitar until he became funny again.

Next up was a TRAGIC performance from Donna Summer, there to promote her new album and sing her new song, Stamp Your Feet. Uh, I don’t even know what that means. Does the post office have to help with that or can I do it alone? Whatever. One thing is certain; poor Ms. Summer looked like Dennis Rodman in a cheap, bad weave. And she sounded horrid.

9:00 pm: After a few more badly sung songs from the Final 12 (including Graham Nash singing with Brooke White, shudder) we had to sit through a lame Bryan Adams song medley, quickly followed by an ear-clasping David Cook/ZZ Top performance. Then, during the commercial break, we had to see David Cook dressed up in his underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, shamelessly advertising Guitar Hero. And in case that all wasn’t awful enough, after the commercial break, came David Archuleta bastardizing Apologize by One Republic.

9:20 pm: And there’s still another 40 minutes to go. Oh look, here comes 17 year old Jordin Sparks, singing some song that no one has ever heard of. Goodie. What a treat. Better than David Cook in his dirty underwear, that’s for sure. (Unrelated sidenote, no, you’re not the only one who thinks Jordin Sparks looks like a creepy identical clone of America Ferrara.)

9:30 pm: Great, just when I thought there was nothing left to promote… we had to watch a LAME stunt for the new Ben Stiller/Jack Black/Robert Downey Jr movie, Tropic Thunder. The guys were dressed in bad tuxes, on a green screen, pretending to be backup singers for Gladys Knight. For 4 minutes. Doing the same lame dance moves over and over. I think it was supposed to be funny, but IT WAS NOT. I can not emphasize how stupid it was.

9:34 pm: Carrie Underwood performed Last Name. She has talent. I have nothing to say, except she was wearing Jerry Seinfeld’s PUFFY PIRATE SHIRT under a tuxedo jacket.

9:38 pm: MORE FORD COMMERCIALS. Yes, you gave a car to the Davids. Yes, we know you make hybrids. And oh, look, David Archuleta in his underwear advertising Guitar Hero. It was creepy to watch, because he is about as asexual as the maple tree in my back yard. I may have nightmares.

9:43 pm: Poor George Michael. The girls bastarded Faith and the guys ruined Father

Figure. Michael Johns sucks even more than I remembered. And again, there’s no way I can convey how bad this medley was. I’ve seen better performances at grammar school plays.

9:47 pm: George Michael came out on stage. He looked HORRIBLE, and he was wearing Linda Richman’s sunglasses (Coffee Talk!) Of course, you guessed it, he was there TO PROMOTE HIS NEW ALBUM and TO SING HIS BORING, 6 MINUTE LONG SONG, Praying For Time. After the performance, he pushed his upcoming North American tour, and then tried to blame tonight’s crappy performance on “a cold.” Yeah. Like anyone cares.

9:56 pm: I wish So You Think You Can Dance would just start already. I’m so sick of seeing the same commercial for it every 4 seconds.

9:57 pm: Lame final words from the judges.

9:59 pm: Some stuffy British guy in a suit brought the results envelope to Ryan Seacrest. And now, time to announce the winner of American Idol Season 7: DAVID COOK. He won by 12 million votes.

10:00 pm: Some more fake tears from David Cook, digging his thumbs into his eyes in a desperate attempt to make them tear up. Congratulations David Cook, may you go on to do absolutely nothing like so many of the other Idol winners have!

Stay tuned, we will see you back here for American Idol Season 8 on January 13-14, 2009.

Another week, another episode from the worst season of American Idol! This week, the Davids sang three songs each: one song chosen by Clive Davis (he’s so old, can he even HEAR anymore?), one song that was new and unreleased (translation: some crappy song you’ve never heard of), and one final song they chose themselves (translation: some crappy song you HAVE heard of, but still hate nonetheless).

The entire show had a LAME AND GENERIC “head to head” boxing theme, complete with legendary boxing announcer Michael Buffer. Aw, what’s wrong, Michael? No one beating Oscar de la Hoya’s head in tonight? Need a little extra money to buy that mid-life crisis Ferrari? Bygones. Fox had Cook and Archuleta come out on stage dressed in retarded boxing robes, and somewhere in America, Sylvester Stallone clutched his hand to his chest and collapsed. Adrienne! Call 911!

Before the show started, Ryan asked each David, “What did you do to prepare for tonight’s show?” Like anyone cares. I’ll fill you in anyway. David Cook said he spent several hours in the mirror trying to determine which angles made his ass and hips look thinnest, and trying to master the fine art of getting your eyes to tear without the aid of boric acid or onions. Meanwhile, David Archuleta spent a good portion of pre-show time trying to find a lone sock to stuff down his pants.

First up: the CLIVE DAVIS song. David Cook sang, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2. The only thing I was looking for was the mute button, and thankfully, I found it. Cook’s performance was lame, and so was his outfit. He looked like he just stepped off the set of The Craft. He had on a Stevie Nicks black blazer and witchy black boots, complete with a Pagan choker necklace tightly cinched around his fat, piggish neck. And seriously, somebody tell this dweeb that wallet chains went “out” right around the time Britney Spears was slipping on her first training bra.

Cook’s second song, a “new unreleased” song of his choice, was Dream Big by Emily Shackleton (crickets chirping). Cook’s performance was HORRIBLE, to say the least. I will say this: not even the seizure-inducing, flashing strobe lights could distract me from Cook’s bartender beer gut bouncing whimsically beneath his tight fitting shirt. Also, this song was SO dated, and it sounded like something off the soundtrack of a bad 80s movie. I was half expecting Corey Haim to pop on screen and show off his new License To Drive. Even the judges agreed this performance sucked. Somebody call Tiger Woods… this crap is NOT up to par.

Too bad, so sad, but David Cook’s third song was no better. He selected The World I Know by Collective Soul. It sounded like something you’d hear a talentless college dropout singing around a campfire after inhaling too much bug spray. I spent the majority of this performance trying to decipher the Asian symbols silk screened across across his cheap, ugly shirt. Turns out, it loosely translates to, “Boss at bar called, peanut shells need cleaning and someone spilled Miller bottle, you’re late for your shift, jerkoff.” Who knew???

The judges agreed yet again this was not a winning performance and Cook shouldn’t be banking on victory. After receiving critiscism across the board, Cook got teary eyed. BUT NO SO FAST! Is that a tack I see, carefully positioned deep inside your Dolly Parton cowboy boot? I’m onto you, Cook.

Second to take the stage was David Archuleta. Clive Davis had Archuleta sing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me by Elton John. Cue the music and cut to Archuleta sitting on the stage stairs just like his famed hero and dream prom date, Kermit the Frog. Archuleta’s performance was predictable and boring, and yet oddly addicting – sort of like a Lifetime “made for TV” movie starring Meredith Baxter-Birney. However, not only am I sick of this kid crying like he’s been cutting onions in Hell’s Kitchen for 3 days straight, but I’m also sick of his lame hand/arm movements (which closely resemble a five year old nervously petting a camel). The judges loved his performance. Say it with me: “Shocking.”

Archuleta’s selection for the “new unreleased” song was: In This Moment by Ryan Gilmore (who?! Gilmore Girls? Wha?!) Again, this performance was dull and lackluster, sort of like my wood floor without it’s yearly application of Orange-Glo. As with every one of his performances, Archuleta’s voice sounded more processed and boring than the chicken broth I polished off last time I had the flu. But again, the judges loved his “heartfelt” song choice and said he was performing much better than David Cook. Personally, I felt his ugly embroidered anchor jacket was just weighing him down. PUN INTENDED.

Archuleta’s final song was Imagine by John Lennon, a song he’s already performed on the show. Sniff, is that a lame cop-out I smell? Or is that just the scent of David Cook’s hair gel melting under the hot stage lights? You decide. Anyway, Archuleta was really rocking out in his 1997 Airwalks and played-out white leather Members Only jacket. The only thing more obnoxious than having to listen to this song again was having to see Archuleta’s annoying, balding, weirdo Mormon father’s shit faced grin plastered across my TV screen. And I thought my mailman was annoying. Wow.

Randy exclaimed he wanted Archuleta to be the next American Idol, Paula was left speechless as usual, and Simon declared Archuleta the clear winner by way of a KNOCK OUT (lame boxing reference #529).

To close off the evening, Ruben Studdard performed his one “hit” song. I’ve been wondering what he’s been up to since he won the show. And after tonight, I can tell you, it CLEARLY hasn’t been the stair master.

And that brought this horrible episode to an end. Who will win? David A or David C? LIKE IT MATTERS. We know better by now. Stay tuned anyway, because we’ll bring you the elimination results as soon as they go down tomorrow night!

[All photos: FOX]

After a painful performance from American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia Barrino, and three 15 minute long segments showcasing each contestant’s screaming, , psychotic, and retarded hometown fans, Seacrest finally let us know Syesha Mercado was eliminated from the show.

The David’s will be back next week to battle it out for the title of American Idol. Shocking.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! This week, the final three contestants sang three songs each: one song they chose themselves, one song chosen by the judges, and one final song chosen by the producers.

Translation: 3x the hell, and 3x as hard to watch. I’m just saying.

David Archuleta took the stage first, wearing a cheap imitation Members Only jacket and Jason Castro’s tight acid-washed jeans from last week. Quite simply, he looked exactly like Terry Griffith from the 80’s classic movie Just One of the Guys. Except without the sense of humor. Or the nice tux.

As if his outfit wasn’t lame enough, cut to a scene of the Mayor of Munchkinland… er, the Mayor of Murray, Utah… some guy with a nasty looking handlebar moustache and a grossly oversized Texas flag shirt. Is this guy confused about the state he lives in? Bygones. Eager to revel in his 4 minutes of fame, he let David know he would be singing So It Goes by Billy Joel… a song that Paula picked out just for him. He then escaped backstage to lasso a pig, and poke an unsuspecting Archuleta fan in the eye with his pointy-ass moustache.

During Archuleta’s a capella performance, the studio was extremely quiet. HOW QUIET? Not only could you hear a pin drop, but if you really listened, you could hear the heroin coursing through David Cook’s veins.

Archuleta’s second performance, With You by Chris Brown, was horrible and was the WORST performance of the year as far as I’m concerned. The opening word to the song is “Boo” – something that should only be uttered by someone as lame and as white as David Archuleta on a spooky Halloween night. He danced around the stage and tried to be sexy, but he just looked like an awkward DORK moving around to relieve his JOCK ITCH without drawing attention.

In true American Idol fashion, David forgot some of the words. But the judges, so in love with the smell of his shit, didn’t even notice. Simon said his performance was akin to a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger. I thought it was worse than that… sort of like Garth Brooks trying to cover Whitney Houston. Some things are JUST WRONG.

His third and final song (thank God), chosen by the producers, was Longer Than by Dan Fogelburg. Excuse me, but I wasn’t sure if I was watching American Idol, or if I was sitting in my dentist’s office awaiting a root canal. Chosen by the producers?! Who the hell are they? Betty White and Phyllis Diller? Did they forget he was 16 and not 90? In retrospect, maybe it was a good choice after all, seeing as though David looked and sounded like a retard trying to sing a modern, cool song.

Syesha took the stage in another cheap Old Navy “Neon Nights” glittery dress, opening with a song chosen by Randy: If I Ain’t Got You by Alicia Keys. Randy said he chose this song because Syesha is “hot and in-charge.” Cut to the cameras panning in on Syesha, who was winking and giggling at Randy. Cue me wondering if they are creepin’ or bumpin’ together backstage in the broom closet. Paula and Simon agreed and said it wasn’t a strong performance.

Syesha chose her second song, which was Fever by Peggy Sue. It didn’t work for Madonna, and it certainly didn’t work for Syesha. The only thing this song showcased was her $10 hooker pumps, her short flapper dress, and the fact that she’ll soon be booted like a car with 40 unpaid tickets on Parking Wars. Simon said it was very fluffy and cabaret like. Off camera, Liza Minelli was waiting backstage with Syesha’s very own black leotard and a pair of glittery tap shoes. Who knew.

Syesha ended the night with the producers choice, Hit Me Up by Gia Farrell (WHO?) from the Happy Feet Movie Soundtrack. Her performance was like a bad rendition of Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, in slow motion. It was awfully boring. So boring, in fact, that the “producers” kept panning to shots of MARY LOU HENNER in the front row. Ooh, Idol sure does bring out all the stars!

Performing third was American Idol’s golden child, and my pick for “Most Obnoxious Person On The Planet,” David Cook. David’s first song was chosen by Simon, and it was First Time I Ever Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack. David gave his typical, stoic, unemotional, “I’m pretending I don’t care that I’m here” performance. He butchered the song and it was literally painful listening to him shrieking out the high notes. Every cat in my neighborhood was at my window, giving me the middle finger and trying to mute my TV with their universal remote controls. And in the end, the judges didn’t care for the song choice, either.

David’s personal song choice was Dare You to Move by SwitchFoot. Not shocking that a wanna-be rocker like David cook would choose a song from a Top 40 Pop, Clearchannel Radio sell-out, wanna-be rock group. The judges felt it didn’t capture David’s true singing spirit. I was too busy gasping at how milky white, pale, and flabby David’s arms really are… and how his jeans and shirt were hugging his womanly shaped hips and man boobs. Hey Cook, David Gest just called… he wants to know if you’re available for lunch tomorrow. I think you should go; what a treat to sit across the able from what you’re going to look like in 20 years.

David’s third song, chosen by the producers, was I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. This is one of my top 10 most hated songs of all time, so hearing David Cook singing it was almost too much for me to take. His rendition was horrible, off pitch, and generally wretched, despite the 935 violinists the producers had circling around him (no, not favoritism at all!)

After a few more annoying puffer fish, “Ooh, this is all so stressful for me” faces from David Cook, this week’s episode came to an end.

Stay tuned, we’ll bring you the elimination results as soon as they go down tomorrow night!

[Photos: FOX]

Jason Castro and Syesha Mercado were the bottom two performers after Rock & Roll week, but in the end, Jason Castro was eliminated from American Idol.

And might I say, IT’S ABOUT TIME. He looks like he should be in a dorm room wrapped in a Jamaican flag beating a bongo and eating brownies. How did he even make it this far to begin with? Good riddance.

BYE, JASON.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! This week, the final four contestants sang songs from artists that have been inducted into the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame. Ryan Seacrest let us know that there would only be 2 weeks left to go in the competition – and in unrelated news, that’s also how long it takes Paula Abdul to polish off a full 60-day supply of Vicodin.

First up this week was David Cook. David’s first song was Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran. In his pre-show interview, David said he could “feel the changes while he listened to the song.” Feel the changes? Like Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf? After seeing him this week, that’s not too far fetched. He’s got the beard part down, anyway. What’s next? An overwhelming need to play basketball and surf on top of moving cars?

David’s first song was HORRID. He was listless, boring, and his throat was all scratchy like he was Hungry for a Lozenge or something. David’s second song was Baba O’Riley by The Who, and it was almost as bad as the first. Who could listen to this performance without falling asleep? The only thing that kept me from slumber was the shiny tinsel embedded in his black blazer that flickered in the studio lights every two seconds. Please, somebody, anybody, sing something that doesn’t suck!

I think Syesha delivered. She sang Proud Mary by the iconic Tina Turner. Syesha said she was weary of singing this song, but after looking at herself in the mirror, she decided to “JUST DO IT.” She then strapped on her Air Jordan’s and unsuccessfully tried to slam-dunk Paula Abdul’s head through the basketball hoop outside the studio.

Cut to Syesha running all over the stage during her Proud Mary performance, bending up and down and sweating all over the place. I couldn’t tell if she was imitating Tina Turner, or trying out for the Police Academy. I thought this was a quest for the next American Idol – not the next American Aerobics Instructor. Randy said she was in the zone. Paula stood up and muttered something unimportant, and Simon said he didn’t have fun. Like that means anything. A fun night to Simon is curling up with a clingy v-neck sweater shirt and an Il Divo CD.

Syesha’s second performance of the night was A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke. This time, Syesha took the stage in a bosom-revealing, gold gospel gown. Personally, I thought the performance was boring. Randy hated it too, and his commentary made her cry. (Sidebar: apparently, Syesha just pulls her hair

back and dips her face into a large metal vat of foundation before the show, because you could literally see the make-up melting off of her face. Her actual skin was 4 shades lighter. Who knew?!) Paula and Simon tried to save her by saying she was “brilliant and solid.” Yeah. So are my mom’s $4 cubic zirconium earrings, guys. Means nothing.

Next up, Jason Castro sang I Shot the Sheriff by Bob Marley. Yeah. Shocking, isn’t it. In life, a few things are always going to happen. The sun will rise, Jason Castro will sing Bob Marley whenever he can, and 60 year old retired factory workers are always going to win the huge Powerball jackpots.

Even though Jason’s performance was terribly painful, I am sure hippie sprites across America were dancing around their Jamaican-tapestried dorm rooms, basking in the aroma of Nag Champa as Jason butchered the song. The judges hated it, but not as much as his second performance… Mr. Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan.

This performance won tonight’s award for MOST AWFUL. While strumming his guitar, (which gently wept), Jason forgot the words to almost an entire VERSE. He just hummed along like an idiot. Simon said he will be history after that performance, and I agree. His ass better start packin’ his tight jeans and oversized clown shoes. Of course, Paula loved it and said, “Jason, you blew me away.” Oh give me a break. You’re a judge in a singing competition… not Dolly Parton’s weave in a category 3 hurricane off the coast of Guam.

Last up was David Archuleta. True to his boring, safe natured self, he sang: Stand By Me by Ben E. King. David said, “This is a something I sing to myself in my room…to a dog, or something.” Uh, keep it to yourself, David. I’ve seen American Pie. I don’t need to know what you’re doing in your room. With your “dog” or something.

While some might say David mastered the song, it’s crystal clear he hasn’t mastered the fine art of keeping one’s eyes open while singing. Sorry David, this was Rock and Roll week… not “just got back from cataract surgery” week. Simon said he felt David struggled, Paula said she didn’t make a connection, and Randy said Davd was “hot now” – which is making me want a Krispy Kreme donut reeeallly badly.

David’s second song was Love Me Tender by Elvis Presley. David changed the melody, making it even more boring than the original. The tabloids are already reporting that Elvis Presley loved the rendition, and sang along from a lawn chair in Northern Las Vegas. The judges also loved this song choice for Archuleta and felt he was the best performer of the night.

And there you have it! My picks for the bottom two: David Cook and Jason Castro, with Jason being the one to go. Stay tuned, we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down!

Brooke and Syesha were the bottom two performers after Neil Diamond week, but it was Brooke who was voted off tonight. And she forgot the words… AGAIN… in her final performance. It was embarrassing and painful to watch. Good riddance, Brooke. Try moving to country music.

Another week, another episode of American Idol!

This week, the five remaining contestants sang songs from legendary Neil Diamond. Legend or not, I’d like to know… just how many sparkly shirts does one man need? Where did he do his shopping? The Richard Simmons outlet for men and once-fab-but-now-flab exercise gurus?

Of course, Neil wouldn’t just come on American Idol if there wasn’t something in it for him. Yep, you guessed it, Neil was on American Idol promoting his (gasp) 26th album. Yes, his 26th album, called “Home Before Dark.” Makes sense. At his age, it’s not wise to be out driving around after dark. I’m not quite sure how this album will pan out, seeing as though his voice seemed more shaky than Michael J. Fox’s.

This week, the contestants had to learn and perform TWO songs. Seacrest dutifully let us know that each contestant would have TWO phone numbers for voting. Please. Let’s not confuse the American public. As it is, half of them are already phoning in trying to cast their vote for Obama.

First up: Jason Castro, who sang: Forever in Blue Jeans. His performance was below average and boring, and even the teeny bopper girls in the front row seemed like they’d rather be home watching their boyfriends play Madden NFL on xbox 360. Jason’s second song was: September Morn. It was HORRIFICALLY dull, and the judges agreed. Jason tried to blame his rough start on a coughing fit prior to taking the stage. Was he smoking a L in the back of the Benz-y with Nelly? Or was he just having an allergic reaction to the lice feces in his dreads? Talk amongst yourselves.

Next, David Cook sang: I Am Alive. Neil Diamond said he had goosebumps – not from David’s talent, but because he forgot to put on underwear this morning. As usual, Cook came out on stage sporting tight jeans, boots, and a new piece of paraphernalia from his “Dying Brother Collection.” This week, it was new blazer with an “AC” patch on the front lapel and another “AC” anagram on his guitar. (AC/DC= Adam Cook/David Cook)

Sidebar: Enough with the tributes to his dying brother. Alright folks, wise up, this kid is playing us like a PSP for all the sympathy votes he can get. Bottom line: Cook’s rendition of I Am Alive was Neil Diamond meets 80’s rock band: Ratt. That combo’s about as good as Penne a la Gefilte fish.

David’s next song was, All I Really Need Is You. The judges felt he nailed it (cue the judges kissing David’s ass for yet another week) and said it was the performance of the night. Paula said she felt she was looking at the next American Idol. She then mistook Ryan Seacrest for Cloris Leachman. So yeah. Take it for what it’s worth, people.

After David, Brooke took the stage. I will now take a moment to rip apart her outfit this week as the producers should have before she took the stage. Did Brooke let Christy Lee Cook’s wardrobe artist Wanda dress her this week? Her sparkly pants and glittery eye shadow were right out of Dorothy Zbornak’s Miami closet (to find it, just take a left after the lanai). Her performance of I Am a Believer was lackluster and missed the mark. Sort of like a drunk Tara Reid trying to play darts. Brooke, afraid she’d forget the words like she did last week, resorted to writing a few lyrics on her hand: “Palm trees grow and the rent is low.” Phew, that sure is a tough one to recall.

In the end, her performances were not good. Simon said her first song was akin to “a girls night out at the Karaoke bar.” Her second song, I Am, I Said, was less than thrilling, but, the judges all agreed it was more in tune to Brooke’s style – fake, overly dramatic, and boring.

UPDATE: This week’s “Celebrity in the American Idol” crowd was… Rita Wilson, and a random small child. She’s Tom Hanks’ wife. Whoo-hoo, the stars were out tonight. Imagine the paparazzi swarming outside the AI studios fighting for that shot!

David Archuleta was put second to last this week, and first sang Sweet Caroline. Neil Diamond called him “some kind of prodigy.” Cut to a shot of David writing a theorem proving that the human head does, in fact, weigh eight pounds. Personally, I hated his rendition of this song. It reminded me instantly of drunk college girls at the bar linking shoulders and screaming the lyrics… BA, BA, BA, SWEET CAROLINE! His second song was a little less painful: America. But then again, this song, a total guilty pleasure, couldn’t be ruined even if Marlee Matlin sang it. And as usual, the judges ate it up and claimed Archuleta was the BOMB! Someone please alert the FBI’s explosive task force.

Just before a barefoot Syesha took the stage, Dr. Scholl phoned in to let her know that his gel insoles could help relieve her bunion pain, just like they’ve helped millions of others out there. Bygones. Syesha sang: Hello Again. It was mediocre. But if you looked closely, you could see the outline of a tube of Tough Actin’ Tinactin hidden in her bra, for the inevitable Athlete’s Foot she’d be battling later that evening.

Her second song was: Thank The Lord For The Night Time… yeah, more like Thank The Lord It’s Over. Cut to a shot of the teeny boppers in the front row waving their hands in the air. So either the were into the song, or Simon’s nasty cologne was attracting flies again. You decide. Bottom line: the judges liked the texture in Syesha’s voice but still thought she’d wind up in the bottom two.

And there you have it! My picks for the bottom two: Syesha and Jason Castro, with Jason being the one to go. He redefined horrible. Stay tuned, we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down!

After their Broadway Week performances, Syesha and Carly were in the bottom two. And in the end, Carly Smithson was voted off American Idol. Good. Hopefully I’ll never have to hear that rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar ever again.

Stay tuned next week for… NEIL DIAMOND. Great. I can hardly wait to see who will butcher Sweet Caroline this year.

Another week, another episode of American Idol!

This week, the remaining six contestants performed songs from Andrew Lloyd Webber. Queue cheers from that weird woman with the cats who sits behind you in the office; but for the rest of us (groan), grab your No-Doz, and let’s get through this together!

Ryan Seacrest started off the show by announcing that it was Earth Day. He then grabbed the wand from the band leader, and began frantically waving it around in the air as the band played some bad jazz music. So either Ryan was attempting to orchestrate, or he just got done watching Karate Kid in the green room. Concentrate, Ryan-San! Always look eye!

Andrew Lloyd Webber then introduced himself to the crowd and said, “This is going to be a great show. I love working with young people. Like that time I let little Timmy do my taxes and I almost went bankrupt. That was fun.”

Syesha started off the show with One Rock & Roll Too Many, a song I have never heard of. In my life. Actually, it was more like ONE CHEESEBURGER TOO MANY. I’d be starving myself for a week before trying to slither into that little number. Bygones.

Syesha was excited that she could finally “show some of her personality.” And apparently, by that, she meant she was excited she could “act like a slut.” Move over, Michelle Pfiffer; Syesha started off her performance by slithering all over a grand piano like a rattlesnake trying to elude Jeff Corwin in the bush. Randy said she looked like a Broadway star, Simon said it was “very sexy,” while Paula tried not to pass out on the tabletop.

Next, Jason Castro shared that he was “very nervous” about his performance. Indeed. Cut to a shot of a terrified Jason sitting on a stool, looking like he’d rather have his dreads cut off by a crazed, hedgeclipper-wielding Stevie Wonder than sing an Andrew Lloyd Weber song. He chose to sing Memories, and for some unknown reason, then begin licking his hands and coughing up fur bars. Randy called his performance a train wreck, and Simon said the performance made him miserable. I second that notion. Hi, Jason, this is the bottom two calling. We’ll see you soon.

Brooke White was up next. She picked Evita’s You Must Love Me. Sorry, Brooke, not tonight! Not even 5 seconds into her song, Brooke stumbled over her words and stopped singing. She muttered, “I’m sorry,” and had the band restart the song. Frankly, everyone watching it here with me was embarrassed FOR HER. It was like watching a young George Bush stumbling over the word “CARROT” in a 2nd grade spelling bee (are there any alternate pronunciations? Can you pronounce it again? Is it CAR-rot, or car-ROT?)

Brooke restarted her song, but I was too distracted by the fact that she was COVERED in butterflies to notice how she sang. I’m telling you, it was like monarch mating season on her dress. Mortifying! Randy said her song was “vocally tough” but she did okay. Paula said, “Never start and then stop,” which, coincidentally, is also the advice she gave her boyfriend last night. And Simon said restarting the song was a “brave thing to do.” Brooke agreed, and then left the stage to rescue a baby who was helplessly swirling around in a vicious riptide current just outside the studio. Damn you, el nino.

David Archuleta then sang Think Of Me. Andrew Lloyd Weber told him to “open his eyes” and told the audience, “I can’t watch somebody who has their eyes closed all the time!” He then elaborated and added, “unless they are sleeping. Then I can stare at them for hours.” Ok, fine, he didnt’ say that. But he sort of seemed like a creepy sleeper-watcher, didn’t he?

Young David stood lifelessly on stage and belted out some decent notes, but he didn’t move his feet ONCE. It was almost like a tiny herd of Polish bricklayers showed up and cemented his feet to the ground. Nonetheless, Randy loved it. Paula called it “perfect.” But Simon said it was one of his weakest performances. I’d have to agree.

Carly Smithson was up next. She sang Jesus Christ Superstar. In her intro, she said, “I’m going to go out there and have the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.” Oh, come on. More fun than that time you and your roommates got drunk and ordered Rosetta Stone so you could fluently crank call people in Mexico? I doubt it. But I digress.

Randy said the performance was good, but not her best. He also said he liked her outfit, which made me throw up in my mouth a little. She looked like Mama Cass, after being attacked by 85 Bedazzlers. It was just horrid. And when Simon announced that he liked her performance, Carly ran off stage and came back clutching a baby blue t-shirt that said, “Simon loves me… this week.” It’s rumored that she also had “What Would Simon Do” with a downward-pointing arrow written across the butt of her underwear, but the producers didn’t want her to go there.

Lastly, David Cook sang The Music Of The Night. I momentarily mistook the song for Rhythm Of The Night by El Debarge and became excited, but my glee was short lived when I realized this was yet another song that I’ve never heard of. I found David’s performance horribly boring. It was sort of like watching Andrew Zimmern from Bizarre Foods eating a bacon cheeseburger – what’s the point?! He also had a long scarf tucked into the back pocket of his jeans. Who does he think he is, Steven Tyler? Or does he plan on sticking around the studio later to do some dusting?

Of course, the judges loved it. David can do no wrong. Simon did say “this isn’t the side of you I like, I prefer the grittier and raw side.” Oh Simon, he’s a mediocre singer, not a cut of prime rib.

And there you have it! My pick for the bottom two? Jason Castro and Brooke White were the worst of the worst. Who will go home?

Stay tuned to find out! See you next week.

[Photos: FOX]