Attention internet, idiotic bloggers, and moronic magazine editors:

Stop acting like Simon Cowell gave Adam Lambert a standing ovation last night because his performance was good. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT, AND THAT’S NOT WHY IT HAPPENED.

The show ran 10 minutes long, and many people had DVR’s that cut off Adam Lambert’s performance. Many others flipped the channel to another show. And as much as I hate Lambert, I have to say this was a huge error on the producer’s part and it could be construed as being unfair to Lambert.

Bottom line: Simon gave Adam a standing ovation because he HAD TO. He had to do something to counteract the fact that so many people could have potentially missed Adam’s performance, and to shut up the people who would be screaming that Adam “lost votes” because of the mishap.

As always, Adam Lambert Sucks. With or without a faux-genuine standing ovation.

Love,
WE HATE IDOL

Another week, another episode of American Idol! Tonight, the top 8 performers will be singing songs from the year they were born. I’m Jillian Madison and I’ll be serving up tonight’s live-blogging goodness. Now let’s do this!

8:02: They’re showing baby pictures. Man, Kara DioGuardi was an ugly baby. Ryan Seacrest was even uglier. Ryan’s picture flashed up on screen, and Paula asked him if he “liked carrots when he was little.” Oh Paula, so clever! Wait, is she saying Ryan had buck teeth, or he looked orange? Oddly enough, either one works here.

8:05: Danny Gokey is up first, because he’s the oldest. He’s singing some strange version of Stand By Me from 1980. He’s sporting a new pair of clear glasses and he looks chubbier than he did last week. Maybe he’s retaining water. Wait, since when is Stand By Me a DISCO song?! The arrangement is God-awful. Not feeling it at all. Rating: 4/10.

8:15: Kris Allen, born in 1985, is next up singing “All She Wants To Do Is Dance.” Oh, shocking, he’s throwing down more facial gymnastics. He’s got his guitar and he’s surrounded by a bunch of 13 year old girls pretending to be into his low energy performance. Man, there were so many great songs in 1985, and he chose this one? Big mistake. The judges hated it! Rating: 3/10.

8:21: Lil’ Rounds, born in 1984, is now singing “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” I love this song, but Lil’s performance just an average karaoke rendition of one of the most classic songs of all time. The whole thing felt clone-ish, down to Tina Turner’s footwork as she walked across the stage. Disappointing, and the judges railed her for it. Rating: 4/10.

8:30: Anoop completely shattered his frat boy image by screaming, “WHOO! TAR HEELS!” during his pre-song interview with Ryan Seacrest (sarcasm, people). Born in 1986, he is singing True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. And somewhere in America, a J Crew mannequin is looking a little less stylish without its green and white striped cardigan. This performance REEKS of adult contemporary “I’m getting dental work done” but the judges praised him anyway. They must be drunk. Rating: 4/10.

8:40: Scott Macintyre was born in 1985, and he’s singing “The Search Is Over” by Survivor. Oh my dear Lord, this is SHOCKINGLY BAD. Definitely one of his worst performances ever (and for the record, I can’t stand the noise that comes out of his mouth whenever he holds a note). This is getting worse every second. Why is he on this show? And why are the judges kissing his ass? Kara said it was too “over ambitious for him.” Say what you mean, Kara: “He sounds like a dying cat whenever he opens his mouth.” Rating: 2/10.

8:46: Allison Iraheta was born in 1992 (holy shit), and is singing “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt. And you know what? It’s by far the best performance of the night. She chose the right song, and she sang it well and with emotion. My cynical, sarcastic ass doesn’t have much to say, other than A) it’s too bad her personality sucks, and B) she looks like she borrowed her skirt from one of the dead zombies in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. Rating: 7/10.

8:54: Matt Giraud was born in 1985. He’s singing “Part Time Lover” by Stevie Wonder. IT IS AWFUL. TO STRESS HOW AWFUL IT IS, I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS. This is a fast, upbeat song and yet he slowed it down to the point of it being painful to listen to. Even worse, he’s adding runs every 3 seconds. I think this is one of his worst performances. When will people stop singing Stevie Wonder on this show? No one can pull it off. Stevie is the man. And this is just pathetic. Rating: 2/10.

At least Matt had a fedora on today, so we didn’t have to see that awful mole:

9:02: Annoying Adam GLambert was bon in 1982, and is singing “Mad World” (the song they played every 4 seconds in Donnie Darko). I’m so bored. Oh, wait, he just started screaching. Now I’m just nauseous. This performance DEFINES self indulgent. It’s boring, and sounds like something you’d hear off-off-off Broadway. It’s now 9:06, and they are rushing him off the stage because the show went long. What a pity it would be if he lost votes because of that (evil snickering). Rating: 2/10.

So there you have it! Leave your thoughts in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results tomorrow night as soon as they go down.

Megan, Anoop, and Allison were the bottom 3 performers, but Megan Joy was the one voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode. No more short sleeves and pee-pee dances – horray! BUH BYE, MEGAN.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! We’ve whittled the competition down to the TOP 9, and tonight they sang songs that were “popular downloads on iTunes.” Whatever that means.

Before we start, I have a question. Hey Danny Gokey, how many inches does your penis measure?

Interesting. Just as I thought. I’m Jillian Madison. Now let’s do this.

TOP 9: Top Downloads Night (3/31/09)

	Anoop sang “Caught Up” by Usher. What a disaster. He came across as a pathetic wannabe poser, with less stage presence than of one of Jay-Z’s old bongs. Simon called his performance a “huge mess” – and that’s a huge undersatement. Rating: 4/10.
	Danny Gokey sang “What Hurts The Most” by Rascal Flats. I’ll tell you what hurts the most: MY EARS, from his raspy voice and his half-assed attempts to be relevant and interesting. He belongs singing in a cabaret theater on the Lido deck of a 3rd rate cruise ship. Rating: 4/10.
	Allison Irahetta was HORRIBLE tonight. She sang “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt, and butchered it beyond recognition. She’s like PINK JR. Same color hair, same annoying raspy voice, same unfortunate pig nose. And her outfit, a pink puffy dress and black leggings, was simply tragic. She came out on stage looking like a 4th grader’s interpretation of what punk rock was. Look, even Paula Abdul hated it, and that has to say something. Rating: 3/10.

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Oh, HI SCOTT! Is that you sitting on the edge of the stairs, with your new FUGLY Richard Marx haircut? Yes, it is!

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Scott Macintyre sang “Just The Way You Are” by Billy Joel. Say it with me: “OF COURSE HE DID.” Except his voice was even more grating and intolerable than usual, because he held each note for like 90 seconds. I say it every week and I’ll say it again now: if he was not blind, he wouldn’t be here stinking up the stage with his feathered hair and his pleather jackets. Go away, Scott. We’ll all chip in for a seeing eye dog if that’s what it will take. Rating: 2/10.

Matt Giraud… boring boring boring. Matt Giraud… keyboard keyboard keyboard. He sang “You Found Me” by The Fray, and his vocals were God awful. He just stood there singing the words “you found me” out of tune, over and over and over. And was he playing, like, IN the audience? Weak. One more thing: I am really sick of looking at that huge nasty mole on his forehead. It’s like that scene from Austin Powers: “MOLEY, MOLEY, MOLEY.” It’s all I see. Rating: 2/10.

Lil Rounds. She sang some boring-assed song by Celine Dion. Because she’s 90. And what on Earth did she do to her hair? She looks like a BLOW UP DOLL.

Disclaimer: I hate Adam Lambert. Why? I loathe people who are blatantly in love with themselves. His performances are self indulgent to the point of causing people watching him to feel actual nausea. He thinks he is God’s gift to music, when in reality, he’s just a mediocre talent who never hit it big time because he’s never been good enough. Having said that, his performance tonight was simply awful. He came out on stage with his hair all slicked back and poofy, looking 50% like a rejected extra in Grease, and 50% like a bloated Cory Feldman. He screeched and screamed the lyrics to “Play That Funky Music” and spun around in circles on the stage like a schoolgirl at recess. And at the end of his performance, he THANKED THE BAND, like he was Bruce Springsteen or something. Get over yourself, Adam. Send this toolbag home, America. My ears can’t take much more. Rating: -532/10.

EVERYBODY ELSE:

Megan Joy sang “Turn Your Lights Down Low” by Bob Marley, and her performance made me exclaim, “How is this bitch in the top 9?” I think she’ll be going home tomorrow night. Her voice is so grating on the ears. I’d rather listen to a group of munchkin inhaling helium and screeching the alphabet while running their nails across chalkboards.

And Kris Allen sang “Ain’t No Sunshine” with his little keyboard. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. American Insomnia.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night.

MICHAEL SARVER was thrown off American Idol tonight, after dull lip synched performances by the Idol contestants and Ruben Studdard. I did thoroughly enjoy Scott Macintyre’s complete inability to clap rhythmically to Stevie Wonder’s performance, though:

No recap this week – we’re on vacation – so talk amongst yourselves and we’ll be back next week with more Idol news and recaps!

Michael Sarver and Alexis Grace were the bottom two, but Alexis was voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode.

Earlier in the episode, Randy Jackson couldn’t remember Alexis’ name and referred to her as “ALLISON.” Yeah. If a judge can’t even remember your name at this stage in the game, you’re pretty much screwed.

Have fun playing with your daughter and singing Jolene in the shower. Bye bye.

When it comes to American Idol, few words are as cringe inducing as “Grand Ole Opry Night.” This year was no exception. Who was the best? Who was the worst? I’m Jillian Madison…  let’s do this.

TOP 11: Grand Ole Opry Night with Randy Travis (3/17/09)

Michael Sarver kicked off the show, with his awful, twangy version of Garth Brooks’ “Ain’t Goin Down Til The Sun Comes Up.” He stumbled out on stage and awkwardly started high-fiving people in the audience (and let’s face it, high fiving is lame enough as it is without throwing Garth Brooks into the mix). He remembered the words to the song, but so what? The random guy playing harmonica on the side of the stage stole the performance. Sorry, Michael, total FAIL. Rating: 4/10.

Allison Irahetta was next, with her rendition of “Blame It On Your Heart” by Patty Loveless. Allison gives the same performance every week, and I’m so tired of her already. That, and she’s just downright creepy. She’s 16, but sounds like a 60 year old, 3 pack a day smoker pouring quarters into a slot machine at a casino. Scary. Can’t stand her. Rating: 5/10.

Kris Allen sang “To Make You Feel My Love” by – shocking – Garth Brooks. I’ll just say this: if I wanted to watch someone sitting in a chair making painful squinty faces for 3 minutes, I’d open the bathroom door while my uncle was trying to go “number two.” His performance was somber and boring and I felt like I was watching FUNERAL IDOL.  Rating: 5/10.

Lil Rounds sang “Independence Day” by Martina McBride. Zzzzzz. Forced, fake, and boring. Lil can sing, but you’d never know it by tonight’s performance. And unfortunately, her wardrobe was disgusting, too. Was she for real with that hideous 90s prom dress? And that costume jewelry! Is she trying to look like a retired Jewish grandmother in Boca? She looked like she was wearing pieces of a chandelier from a Titanic replica. Rating: 4/10.

Worst performance of the night: ADAM LAMBERT’s pitiful, overdone, Indian sitar rendition of “Ring Of Fire” by Johnny Cash. Now, before you start trying to tell me it was unique and original, no asshole, it was not. Supernova’s Dilana did an almost identical version 2 years ago, with sitar and all. Busted, Adam. Sorry, but I have a memory, and I never forget a performance.

Anyway. Halfway through his self indulgent, stolen performance, he started lifting up his shirt and stroking his stomach like a rejected car model in a Whitesnake video. I’m not a prude, but come on. This is a family show, douchebag. I honestly don’t know why this guy is so in love with himself, but he needs to join the rest of us back on planet Earth. He’s nothing special at all. Can’t someone just hire him for a Broadway production of Rent so I don’t have to deal with his bullshit every week? Rating: 1/10 – AS BAD AS IT GETS.
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	Scott Macintyre sang “Wild Horses” by Martina McBride. Of course he did. And he played his little piano. Of course he did. Look, people, the guy is mediocre and whiny and has no business being on this show. He belongs playing keyboard and singing back-up at his church’s production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Even Paula Frickin’ Abdul told him to give it a rest with the piano bullshit. What does that tell you? Rating: 3/10.
	Alexis Grace completely BUTCHERED one of the most classic songs of all time, “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. AND, the tacky bitch used the stairs as a prop in her performance. The judges hated it, but the camera man sure did love her fat friend in the audience. She got more camera time than Alexis did! Rating: 2/10.
	Danny Gokey is a HUGE TOOL. He made a fool of himself in front of Randy Travis, and then came out on stage wearing a STRAIGHT JACKET. It was his worst performance by far, but the judges still kissed his ass as usual. Just groom, groom, grooming him for the finals (the entire show is rigged). Could the judges make bigger fools of themselves over-praising this dweeb? Rating: 2/10.

Did you guys get the memo? Annoying Megan Joy Corkrey dropped her last name, and is now just MEGAN JOY. She did not, however, drop her idiotic dance moves. She sang “Walking After Midnight” by Patsy Cline and pee-pee danced her way through the entire performance as usual. And what about that dress she was wearing? EW. Her boobs looked like droopy coconuts. Rating: 5/10.

And did anybody else notice Megan was wearing the EXACT SAME EARRINGS AS PAULA ABDUL??? They were identical.

Anoop sang “Always On My Mind” by Willie Nelson. It was his best performance so far. Rating: 7/10. And finally, Matt Giraud sang “So Small” by Carrie Underwood, and it was more of the same from him. Piano, facial gymnastics, blah blah blah. Rating: 5/10.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

Jasmine Murray and Jorge Nunez were voted off American Idol tonight (3/11/09). Jasmine: pretty, but forgettable. Jorge: nice guys finish LAST. Bye bye.

There is a slight twist to the voting this year. There is now a lame JUDGES SAVE – which they can use to once during the competition to save one contestant from elimination. No one will be sent home the week they use the veto. Instead, two people will go home the next week. So much for this being a competition decided by the public. Blow me, American Idol.

Finally, the auditions and semi-finals are over. I never thought they’d end. Two people are going home tomorrow. Who’s it going to be? Let’s go over tonight’s performances.

TOP 13: Michael Jackson Night (3/10/09)

LIL’ ROUNDS kicked off the show with “The Way You Make Me Feel.” Her voice was decent, but her clothes were hideous. Come on. White parachute pants? Was she channeling the spirit of MC Hammer?

SCOTT MACINTYRE sang “Keep The Faith” while he played his stupid piano. The performance was SO BORING. Unfortunately, his hair literally looked like a bird’s nest. I was far too preoccupied by his gross ‘fro to care about his voice. And get this! Apparently, his sister is blind too! And they sing really bad blind music together. Tragic. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if this guy was not blind, he wouldn’t be on this show. Here’s the memo guys: we’re all watching PITY IDOL.

3. DANNY GOKEY sang “PYT.” (Disclaimer: I HATE DANNY GOKEY and his lame-ass glasses and his moronic facial expressions.) He gave a self indulgent performance that reeked of his false self confidence and his Deisgner Imposters Wal-Mart body spray. Spit flew out of his mouth every time he screamed, and it was really revolting to look at. And so was his dated, tired tweed blazer. Who dressed him? His 8th grade Social Studies teacher? Apparently, Gokey is a loser at home, too. His intro video showed him walking around imitating a chicken, as his lame family looked on and laughed. I’m glad I’m not a GOKEY.

	4. Michael Sarver sang “You Are Not Alone.” Nice guy. Loves his family. Takes care of his kid and I can respect that. But this asshat has no Earthly business being on this show. His performance was horrible and cheesy and was literally painful to listen to. I felt like I was in a dentist’s office reception room, waiting to get a tooth cleaning. Kill me now.
	Kris Allen sang “Remember The Time” (with his guitar that you couldn’t even hear, so what the hell was the point?) He has one doofus facial expression, the “constipated John Mayer,” and he flashes it to the point of nausea. The judges didn’t really like the performance. Because it SUCKED ASS.
	Allison Iraheta sang “Give It To Me” – and unfortunately, she wasn’t referring to a box of hair dye. I thought this was one of the worst performances of the night. Clotheswise, it looked like Avril Lavigne threw up on her upper half, with all those silver chains and that cheap black plastic coat she was wearing. And apparently, she sings at some random Mexican Costco at home when she’s bored:

After her performance, Simon told her to lighten up. And the bitch actually snapped back, “I’m not dark. It’s not like I’m cutting myself.” The crowd went silent. Her parents gasped. Even Paula Abdul was mortified, and made the “zip your mouth and throw away the key, you stupid bitch” gesture:

Anoop Desai then sang “Beat It” which – coincidentally – is what he does by himself every night in his parents’ basement. OH SNAP! The performance was GOD-AWFUL. Even Paula Abdul hated it and slammed him, and that has to tell you something. And WTF? Is that The Matrix in the background?

Adam Lambert. Another “performer” on this season of Idol that I really CAN’T STAND. He sang “Black Or White” as he fantasized about having skin that wasn’t more riddled with craters than the surface of the moon. As usual, he had on more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker. His voice was grating and his singing was off pitch, and yet the judges licked his ass. Did they watch the same performance? Because I thought he sucked. Paula told him to “take it all in.” Yeah, I bet he did that last night, if you catch my perverted drift.

Everyone else:

Jasmine Murray sang “I’ll Be There.” Good vocals, but really boring and forgettable. And why was she wearing a nightgown from 1972?

Jorge Nunez sang “Never Can Say Goodbye” and his performance was awful. Slow, boring, and dull. Something you’d hear while picking out baked potatoes in a low-end supermarket in Miami. That shit may fly in Puerto Rico, but not on the mainland, buddy. Even Paula Abdul hated it.

Megan Corkrey sang “Rockin’ Robin” – and I hated it. I felt like I was at a sock hop. And for Christ’s sake, Megan, clean the boogers out of your damn kid’s nose. Is it that hard??? Gross.

Matt Giraud sang “Human Nature” and played the piano. He’s like a less entertaining, uglier version of Justin Timberlake.

Alexis Grace was last. She sang “Dirty Diana” and it was average. She would have had the 1-866-IDOLS-13 phone number, but since it’s a PORN HOTLINE, they gave her “1-866-IDOLS-36.” Ryan said they chose the number 36 because there was a top 36 in the competition. I thought they chose it to honor the number of brain cells Paula Abdul had left.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.