I usually don’t write recaps for results shows, but this one episode been so hideous so far, I had to break the rules.

Guys, I’m still speechless and dumbfounded by Paula Abdul’s “performance” of her lame new song, Here For The Music. First, she’s way too old to be shaking her half-naked ass on a stage. This isn’t 1992 anymore, honey, and the only place you should be Rush, Rushing is to the cabinet to pop a Boniva and eat a serving of prunes.

Second, it literally looked look like she was moving in slow-motion. Frankly, her dance moves flowed more slowly than the blood through Paula Deen’s veins. And the entire performance was lip-synched and autotuned! And she still sounded like shit!

And what about Gwen “I haven’t changed my hair or wardrobe since 1994″ Stefani? I am a huge fan of of Gwen and No Doubt, but I was literally EMBARRASSED for her during her performance tonight. She ran on stage and huffed and puffed her way through “Just A Girl” like an out of breath fattie on day 1 at the Biggest Loser ranch. At one point, she literally stopped and did a push-up. Ooh, I’m impressed. One push-up. Jillian Michaels would be proud. At least she sang live, which is more than I can say for the rest of the tools on the American Idol stage.

When all the smoke cleared from Paula Abdul’s performance, Allison Iraheta was voted off American Idol. Kris, Danny, and Adam are the final 3 contestants.

See you next week for more WE HATE IDOL.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight is Rock & Roll night, and the guest mentor will be Slash (lead guitarist for Guns ‘N Roses and Velvet Revolver).

8:04: Oh my god. What happened to Allison Irahetta? It looks like she lost 100 pounds. Does she have swine flu?

8:06: Adam Lambert is first, singing Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. He’s screaming and whining like someone has his underdeveloped testicles in a vise. And somebody call Rosie O’Donnell circa 1990, because he totally stole her dated Flock Of Seagulls lesbian haircut. Sorry, Glambert fans, but this performance is pathetic. It’s not rock and roll, it’s Little Shop of Horrors meets Hedwig and the Angry Inch meets something that is making every cat in my neighborhood curl up and die. You know what? If I wanted to hear 3 minutes of scary screams and moans, I’d buy a Sounds Of Halloween tape. Adam Lambert blows. He shouldn’t be on this show. He should be off Broadway playing the challenging role of Shrek’s Earwax. Rating: 1/10.

8:18: Allison Irahetta is singing Cry Baby by Janis Joplin. If you close your eyes, she sounds like Pink – and I don’t like Pink. The performance is decent and Allison is consistent every week, but I’m bored to death by her. At least her voice doesn’t make you want to claw your eyes out when she holds notes, like Adam Lambert’s does. Rating: 5/10.

8:30: And what time is it? That’s right! Time for an awful duet by Danny Gokey and Kris Allen! They’re singing some awful Styx song that I’ve, thankfully, never heard before in my life. They are just screaming into the microphone, and their harmony sucks. Somewhere in America, the Indigo girls threw up in their mouths a little bit.

8:36: Kris Allen is up next, singing Come Together by The Beatles. Let me be blunt: I HATE THE BEATLES with the fire of 10,000 suns. This whole thing is just*AWFUL* and is one of Kris’ worst performances so far. It’s slow, boring, dated, and forgettable. Welcome to the bottom 2, Kris. Rating: 3/10.

8:47: Gross Gokey is singing Dream On by Aerosmith. If he was as diverse as his eyeglass collection, he’d be more interesting, but this toolbag sounds exactly the same every week. And what about the gross, cheap silver plated jewelry around his neck? He looks like a puny Mr T. And man, Gokey just let out an atrocious 30-second shriek that sounded like it came from a fat kid who didn’t get to the ice cream truck before it drove away. Judges hated it, too. Rating: 2/10.

Adam and Allison are singing a duet. Adam did a fucking COSTUME CHANGE (totally hetero) and is now wearing skin tight striped pants that are accentuating his wide ass and nonexistent penis. They’re singing “Slow Ride” – which is what this entire season has been. A TOTALLY SLOW, PAINFUL FUCKING RIDE.

Simon closed the show by telling Adam, “You may have just given Allison a chance at staying in the competition.” He then ran on stage, pulled down his pants, and BLEW HIM.

We’ll bring you the results tomorrow night as soon as they go down. We Hate Idol – OUT.

Moley Matt was voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode. Again. It was inevitable. All of us here at We Hate Idol hope he enjoys his next 2 years playing carnivals, seedy bars, and church functions. Buh-bye.

Adam was in the bottom 2 with him, so at least America got that much right.

We’ll see you next week!

We’ve all seen the annoying heart shapes that Danny Gokey makes with his hands while Ryan Seacrest reads his voting numbers every week:

And of course we all know Danny Gokey owns  more eyeglasses than any “straight man” on the face of the Earth (in fact, it has been scientifically proven that Gokey has more glasses than all of the nursing homes in the United States combined).

So is it just a crazy coincidence that Lenscrafters recently rolled out a new ad campaign with people making heart shapes with their hands?

There are only three possibilities, all of which make Gokey even more of a loser than we originally thought:

1) Danny Gokey has some secret deal with Lenscrafters, and is getting free eyewear for giving the company shout-outs on each episode.

2) Danny Gokey is giving a shout-out to his late wife, who died of a heart disease. If this is the case, Danny is a douchebag for pimping out the memory of his dead wife for sympathy votes.

or 3) Danny Gokey is JUST A HUGE TOOL, who loves to make fancy heart shapes with his hands like he’s a 7 year old girl.

Whichever one you choose, Gokey blows. The end.

(Thanks to Jill & OneTrickPony for the tip)

Another week, another American Idol live blog! I’m Jillian Madison, and tonight is Rat Pack night. I can hardly wait. We’re in for an hour of horrible renditions of awful songs by dead guys who hung out with Frank Sinatra before we were even born. Why didn’t we do this sooner! Oh well. The good news is, Matt Giraud is wearing a hat, so it will be a mole-free episode. The bad news is, Adam Lambert isn’t out sick with the Swine Flu… so get ready for some more self indulgent screeching.

This week’s mentor is JAMIE FOXX. Right. Because when I think rat pack, I think Jamie Foxx. What’s next? Dolly Parton as a mentor on heavy metal night?

Kris Allen is up first, singing “The Way You Look Tonight.” And just like that, this episode of American Idol turned into a Meg Ryan movie. Kris is singing so slowly, and it feels like he should be serenading 70 year olds on their 50th wedding anniversary. Randy Jackson called it his “best performance to date”  but Simon called it “safe and nice but not incredible.” I thought it was more of the same from Kris Allen – bleh, eh, and meh. Rating: 5/10.

Allison Irahetta is singing “Someone To Watch Over Me.” Good, after she finds someone to watch over her, maybe she can find someone to DRESS HER, because her outfits have been getting worse every week.  Simon said her performance felt “mechanical”. Randy said it was “the bomb.” For the rest of us on planet Earth, it was somewhere in between. Rating: 6/10.

Matt Giraud is wearing his lame fedora again this week, and he’s singing “My Funny Valentine.” He looks like a rejected extra on set of The Sopranos. It’s more of the same – another slow, dull ballad. Simon loved it, Randy hated it, and we just want this painful episode to end. Rating: 4/10.

Danny Gokey is singing “Come Rain Or Come Shine” and even Jamie Foxx is looking at him like “what the hell are you still doing here, tool?” I thought the performance was boring and average, but the judges were virtually orgasming over him. As usual.  Rating: 5/10.

Disgusting Adam Lambert is last. Of course he is. He’s wearing a cheap looking, shiny, fake satin all-white suit and he looks like a scheming used car salesman you wouldn’t even buy a spare tire from. Question:  why does he get this huge grand intro, with a lit up staircase, like he’s the fucking pope? This is completely nauseating. And unfairly biased. Is he blowing the producer?

His face craters are very visible today, and hold the phone – his voice sounds EXACTLY like THE GRINCH. And wow, how special… he just screamed a single note for about 12 seconds. Like we’re all going to be impressed, and think he’s a talented singer because of it. Not so much. Adam Lambert sucks.

Bottom line: he’s a bloated, pig-faced, theatrical, below-average singer who should be entertaining alcoholics on a low end cruise ship.

Paula said he was “just like Michael Phelps.” That’s right… just another DOUCHEBAG. Hate it, hate him. Rating: 1/10.

Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night!

Another week, another episode of American Idol to live blog! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight, the top 7 performers will be singing God-awful Disco songs that no one wants to hear. Last week, the idiotic judges wasted their moronic save on Matt Giraud. $50 bucks says he’ll be gone tomorrow night, like he should have been last week. Aaaand, now that you’re all caught up, let’s get down to business.

Lil Rounds is up first with Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman”. She’s wearing a black spandex onesie that’s showcasing every unfortunate ounce of her cellulite. The performance was boring, and Simon said he thought it would be her last performance on Idol. Actually, I’d like to suggest we Americans just send ALL of these poor bastards home. This is the least talented, least interesting crop of people that have taken the Idol stage in the entire history of the show. Rating: 4/10.

Kris Allen is up next, singing “She Works Hard For The Money” by Donna Summer. Ryan asked him why he chose that song, and he said “because it’s a story about a woman.” WOW, REALLY? Jesus. Thanks for clearing that up, you moron. (Is it me, or does he look and sound dumber every week?) He’s on stage with his guitar, standing next to some dude with bongos, and I hardly recognize the song at all. The arrangement is bad, and sounds like something you’d hear in Starbucks while you’re waiting for your overpriced cup of coffee. And hold the phone, Paula Abdul just spilled the beans and told everybody that Kris Allen shops for clothes  in the WOMEN’S DEPARTMENT. Sounds about right! Rating: 5/10.

Danny Gokey is singing “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire,  and it’s terrrrrrible. This performance screams “eight o’clock cabaret show on the Lido deck” and no one will remember it in the morning. How many more weeks is this loser going to keep embarrassing himself on our televisions? He’s not a star. He belongs back home in Wisconsin, tipping cows and singing hymns at church functions. Can’t stand him. Rating: 3/10.

While Allison Irahetta is singing “Hot Stuff,” I’m wondering exactly how many gallons of Crisco the Idol wardrobe crew had to put on her body to slide her into that black pleather dress. This girl sounds exactly the same every week, whether she’s singing disco or R&B or a children’s rhyme. The judges are grooming her for the semi-finals, but let’s face it: she’s only where she is on the show because everyone else sucks so badly. Rating: 4/10.

Adam Lambert is singing “If I Can’t Have You” from Saturday Night Fever, and it’s one of the most boring, most self indulgent performance in the history of the show. Bottom line: Adam Lambert is overrated. His voice is mediocre at best. And frankly, he needs to cut his disgusting fauxhawk, because he’s starting to look like KD Lang.  Rating: 1/10.

Matt Giraud is singing “Staying Alive” and, wow, it’s just laughably bad. America voted him off the show last week, and they’ll do it again this week. He’s grunting, riffing, and moaning, and I think this is probably his worst performance on the Idol stage. Simon agreed with me and called it “desperate and unoriginal.” Rating: 2/10.

Finally, Anoop is singing “Dim All The Lights.” He’s wearing his grandfather’s suit, and a bright pink Pepto Bismol sweater vest he borrowed from Paris Hilton. The arrangement? Weak. The vocals? Pitchy. The performance? Corny and boring. Simon called it “mediocre at best” – and that’s being kind. Rating: 3/10.

Let’s be honest – this entire episode SUCKED. There were no stand-out performances, and these seven contestants are dull and boring. The best part? Ryan Seacrest telling Anoop he looked like “Groucho Marx with his eyebrows” after his performance. Priceless.

As usual, we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. See you then!

Lil and Matt were the bottom 2 performers tonight, and Matt got the fewest votes. BUT NOT SO FAST. The judges used their one lame save, and spared him from elimination. This means two people will be going home next week.

We’ll see you back here then when the Idol wannabe’s take on awful disco songs. Get your earplugs ready. HOLY MOLEY!

Another week, another episode of American Idol! Tonight, the top 7 performers will be singing songs from movies. Quentin Tarantino, one of my favorite filmmakers, will be the guest mentor. I’m Jillian Madison and I’ll be serving up tonight’s live-blogging goodness. Now let’s do this!

8:06: We’re now getting Quentin Tarantino’s entire life history. I thought this was American Idol, not an episode of E! True Hollywood Story.

8:08: Finally! Allison Irahetta is singing “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from Aerosmith (aka, one of my top 3 most hated songs of all time). The performance is really boring and safe. Even worse, her wardrobe is hideous. Girlfriend is wearing an oversized black art smock, with a pair of rejected pants from Avril Lavigne’s Abbey Dawn clothing line. The judges liked her performance, and Simon called her the “girl’s only hope left in the competition.” That’s not saying much, considering the only other girls in the competition are Lil’ and ADAM. Rating: 5/10.

Anoop is next, singing “Everything I Do I Do It For You” by Bryan Adams. Quentin told him to “rough it up” (translation: he sounds like a pussy). Why is his upper lip sweating so badly? Why are his eyebrows thicker than the rose bushes in my grandmother’s back yard? Why am I so bored? Ryan asked him who he was thinking of while singing the song, and he said he “couldn’t say.” Oh, be honest, Anoop. It was Adam Lambert, wasn’t it. Rating: 5/10.

Speaking of the devil, Adam Glambert is up next, singing “Born To Be Wild” from the movie Easy Rider (another one of my most hated songs. Lucky me.) And surprise, it’s more self indulgence and screaching and guyliner from Adam! This week, he looks like a Munster, complete with black painted fingernails that went out of style in 1992. And sadly for Adam, the 92 gallons of foundation on his face isn’t covering up his cratered skin – it’s accentuating it. Vocally, even the most die-hard Glambert fans will have to admit this is easily one of his worst performances so far. Simon agreed, and thankfully didn’t kiss his ass. Bottom line: how many more weeks will we have to watch this tool running around on stage, screaming like a bitch whose balls are being squeezed in a vise? Kill me now. Rating: 1/10.

8:30: Matt Girard is singing “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” by Bryan Adams (officially one of the corniest songs of all time). Somehow, Matt’s rendition is even WORSE than the original. He’s off pitch, his timing is off, and his riffs sound out of place in a song like this. It’s like trying to riff Mary Had A Little Lamb. You can’t. It just comes out sounding retarded. The judges didn’t like it, either. Randy agreed with me that you just “can’t do a lot of stuff with a song like that.” Rating: 3/10.

(Random note: IS IT ME OR IS THIS ONE OF THE MOST BORING EPISODES OF IDOL EVER???)

Gross Gokey is up next. He’s singing “Endless Love” by Lionel Richie. Wow. Apparently, it’s CORNY ASSED DENTIST’S OFFICE MUSIC NIGHT on American Idol. There’s a freakin’ HARP on stage with him for Christ’s sake. Atrocious. Piss poor song choice. Awful arrangement. Judges hated it. Go the hell home, Danny. Rating: 3/10.

(Question: What the hell is wrong with Quentin? Does he have ADD? Why is there a huge scab on his knuckle? And why is he wearing PLATFORM SNEAKERS like he’s Stevie Nicks? Inquiring minds need to know.)

Kris Allen is singing some song I’ve never heard of called “Falling Slowly.” Wow. And I thought Danny Gokey’s performance was boring? I literally have nothing to say. Wake me up when he go-goes. Randy Jackson hated it, Kara Dioguardi loved it, and I officially need some No-Doz. Rating: 3/10.

Lil Rounds is the last performer (finally) and she’s singing “The Rose” by Bette Midler – thus completing the night of music to get dental work by. She can sing, and she sounds good, but it’s still THE ROSE and I’m not 74 years old. Simon slammed her performance. What else is new. Rating: 5/10.

And that’s it! We’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. G’night!

Anoop and Scott were the bottom two performers tonight, but ultimately Scott Macintyre was the one sent home. No surprise there. He sucked last night, and frankly, I have no idea how he even made it as far as he did in the competition. Bye, Scott. I won’t miss you one bit.

What else did we learn tonight? Flo-Rida sweats like a pig, Kellie Pickler still can’t sing live, and Adam Lambert looks perfectly at home with half of his face covered in glitter and plastic.

We’ll see you next week for more WEHATEIDOL.