2/17/09 – Hi, I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be LIVE BLOGGING tonight’s episode of American Idol. Our votes tonight will send 3 people through to the top 12. Let’s do it.
8:00: Tonight, we’ll be hearing from 12 performers who make up group 1 of the Top 36. It’s the first live broadcast of the season and the theme is Billboard Top 100.
8:05: Jackie Tohn is up first. She’s spazzing around the stage in black spandex pants, a thick red Minnie Mouse belt, and glittery high top sneakers. Does she think she’s on American Idol, or Sweatin’ To The Oldies infomercial?
8:08: The judges are all screaming into the microphone. There are some serious audio issues going on. The volume is way too loud. Who the hell is working the audio booth, Marlee Matlin?
8:10: Jackie’s parents just got interviewed by Ryan and the mother totally choked. She stared into the camera, and stuttered for 45 seconds before turning the questioning over to Jackie’s dad . Most awkward interview ever.
8:15: Ricky Braddy? Who is this guy? And why is Ryan talking to him about chicken fingers? Is he a contestant – or one of the workers from the cafeteria?
8:17: Ok, he’s singing now, giving a boring performance that is currently only being enjoyed by people over 73.
8:19: Paula is standing up and clapping. Randy is raving about him. They’re all kissing his ass. Clearly they were not watching the same performance. Simon says he has no star quality, and that’s the biggest understatement of the century. He doesn’t look like a star – he looks like an employee at a children’s shoe store.
8:20: Seriously, somebody tell Kara DioGuardi to stop screaming and spitting into the microphone.
8:21: Ricky Braddy’s parents are wearing shirts that say THE BRADDY BUNCH. Wow, how clever they are.
8:27: 21 year old Alexis Grace can NOT sing Aretha Franklin. At all. This is horrifyingly bad. Is she wearing a slip? Go home, honey, and color your hair. You’re not Cyndi Lauper.
8:31: Alexis’ dad looks like David Crosby. But with less teeth.
8:37: OMG. More technical problems. Brent Keith’s video didn’t play, and it caught Ryan off guard and made him stutter. Ok, issue fixed. Now this Brent guy is singing some come country song called “Hick Town” by Jason Aldean, but his performance is low energy and super boring. He’s like the poor man’s Kenny Chesney: totally forgettable and completely unoriginal, but yet makes me want a Corona with lime really bad.
8:43: Is that Brent’s wife? Or his mother? Never a good question to have to ask.
8:50: Stevie Wright. Oh poor, poor 17 year old Stevie Wright. This is the worst performance of the night thus far. Wow. Just painful. She’s not ready to be on live TV.
8:54: Anoop Desai is up next. He’s singing “Angel Of Mine” by Monica. Unfortunately, he hasn’t tweezed his GIANT UNIBROW yet. He is a decent singer but he has negative star quality. There’s a zero percent chance he will win this show, especially with cheesy cruise ship karaoke performances like this one.
9:05: Casey Carlson is singing “Every Little Thing HE Does Is Magic” by The Police. This song is way too big for her and she can not handle it. EVEN WORSE, she’s doing way too many facial gymnastics. What’s with all the smirking and winking. Simmer down, Sarah Palin.
9:07: Two minutes into her performance, and it has somehow managed to get even more awful. Ugh, the judges hated it too. Get this bitch off my TV right about… now.
9:16: Michael Sarver, the oil rigger from Jasper Texas, is up next. Exactly how many embellished button down shirts does he own?
9:17: He’s singing a very overdone, whiny version of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be.” He’s really out of breath. I hated every single minute of his performance – and the judges were underwhelmed too. Except Paula, but that’s not saying much.
9:22: Ann Marie Boskovich is singing “Natural Woman” – but she only has one move: standing still and pointing at the camera with her left hand. She looks more like a “Mannequin Woman.” Her performance is ehhhhh. Good by default, only because the others have been so bad.
9:32: Stephen Fowler forgot his words during Hollywood week, but made it through anyway. He’s singing Rock With U by Michael Jackson. Oh god. He’s snapping. This isn’t good.
9:35: Scratch that, this performance is AWFUL. Off pitch, out of tune, and self indulgent. He got a second chance here, but he ruined it. Paula called it the “kiss of death” and Simon called it “pointless.” They’re too kind.
9:38: Stephen is the only one performing without a family member present. Even his family members think he sucks. Now that’s awkward.
9:42: Tatiana Del Toro is up next… brace yourselves. She’s singing “Saving All My Love For You” by Whitney Houston.
9:45: I feel like I’m at a cheesy fucking cabaret club off Sunset Blvd. She’s whisper-singing. Even worse, her hot pink lipstick is making my retinas hurt. And can I just say, she should NOT be showing off her upper arms like that. Shudder.
9:46: Paula called her the “most talked about contestant” of the season and Simon called her a “total drama queen who only wants fame.” She replied, “I believe in marketing as a business and I want to market myself.” Good. You can start by moving to Guam.
9:52: The consensus amongst the WEHATEIDOL commenters is that Tatiana was the best female vocalist of the night. Maybe. But I don’t care – I still don’t want to hear from her anymore. Plus, I want to see her GIGANTIC MELTDOWN when she gets sent back to Puerto Rico with her “cousins.”
9:55: Danny Gokey is last, singing “Hero” by Mariah Carey. He’s squinting and rubbing his chest a lot, and is apparently wearing one of Michael Sarver’s button down embellished shirts.
9:58: The judges are kissing his ass. Paula said “I have 2 words: sold out arenas.” Um, too bad that’s three words., Paula. Personally, I think there is way too much hype around this guy.
Ok, here’s how it works — the 3 people who get the most votes from tonight’s performances get sent through to the next round. So let’s hear it: Who do you want to stay? And who do you want to go?
My top 3 performers of the night (and this is NOT saying much) were: Anoop, Ann Marie Boskovich, and Danny Gokey.
My bottom 3 performers of the night were: Stevie Wright, Casey Carlson, and Stephen Fowler
We’ll be back tomorrow night with your Idol results. See you then.