See you next week!

WELCOME TO THE WE HATE IDOL LIVE BLOG! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight, the top 11 contestants will be performing, and MILEY CYRUS is going to be the mentor. And if this doesn’t merit a Seth Myers “REALLY?!” segment, I don’t know what does.

Miley is, what, 17 years old? What’s she an authority on, besides awkward father/daughter relationships and making a lot of money by dressing skanky? Is she going to school them on how to stay on pitch while hanging upside down on a stripper pole and chewing gum? Only time will tell.

This week, the contestants are singing songs that made it to the #1 spot on the Billboard charts. And Ryan Seacrest will be staring at Miley’s boobs along the way.

Lee DeWyze is singing “The Letter” by The Boxtops. Or at least I think it’s Lee Dewyze. It looks and sounds more like Taylor Hicks after applying bottle of L’oreal hair dye. The dance moves… the cheesy vocal runs… the dazzle suit… the guy has “cruise ship performer” written all over him. He actually had a HORN SECTION behind him, which is never a good sign. Ellen Degeneres even compared him to an old pen. Need I say more?

Paige Miles is up next, singing “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. I’d like to take this opportunity to ask just what the fuck Miley Cyrus is wearing? It looks like she wrapped one of Madonna’s old lace gloves from 1982 around her torso.

In other news, Paige’s performance was *HORRIBLE.* It was one of the worst vocals I’ve ever heard on this show – ever. Randy called it “honestly terrible.” That’s putting it mildly. It was ear-bleedingly awful. You know what will really happen “against all odds?” Paige showing up next week to sing.

Tim Urban is up next, singing “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” Jesus. It’s cringeworthy. He’s running around stage with a cheesy grin on his face, pointing at people in the crowd like he’s Elvis Presley. Randy hated it, Simon almost threw up, and Ellen had nothing nice to say other than “YOU HAVE HUGE FANS.” I’ll bet he does, Ellen. And they’re 11 years old, too.

16 year old Aaron Kelly is up next. Apparently, he’s obsessed with Miley Cyrus (who sounds like she’s a 5-pack a day smoker, by the way.) Aaron’s singing “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. And just when I thought I couldn’t hate this song any more, Aaron proved me wrong. He’s sick tonight, blah blah blah, like anyone cares. The judges were underwhelmed, and so was I.

Crystal Bowersox is up next, and she just lost any cool points she might have previously earned by asking MILEY CYRUS to sign her guitar.

Thanks to the magic of slow-motion, we were able to catch what Miley wrote on her guitar:

Crystal sang “Me and Bobby McGee”, and the judges all had orgasms over her performance. Unfortunately, she still makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. Bowersox. It doesn’t sound cool. It sounds like a low-budget baseball team.

Miley is so full of herself. Michael came out and hugged her and she said, “Oh, you’re my favorite already. Everyone else is afraid to touch me.” Yeah. Probably because they don’t want the clap.

Michael Lynche is singing “When A Man Loves A Woman.” You know, just because the show wasn’t cheesy enough. Why did someone have to go and channel Michael Bolton?

Michael sounds much better than he did last week, but he’s still not as good as he thinks he is. Ellen said it was a “safe choice” and Kara said it was “boring and loungy.” Simon was too busy grooming his chest hair to comment.

Andrew Garcia forgot the lyrics to “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” while singing in front of Miley Cyrus, so she made him put his guitar down. Total mistake. Now he has no idea what to do with his hands. He’s swinging them around like he’s swatting bees. And dear God, he just did some awkward dance move that made me cringe. I can’t stand this guy, and this is just another awful performance on a truly awful night of Idol. Know what I heard through the grapevine? That Andrew is going to be in the bottom 3 tomorrow night. The judges hated it, and Simon is 100% right: Andrew is overrated. And I don’t care what anyone says: he fucking looks like Kim Jung Ill of North Korea.

Katie Stevens, this season’s resident 82 year old church singer, is singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. This is pure karaoke, and I’m bored to tears. She can’t sing, and she sounds like she should be starring in a Nasonex commercial. Maybe big girls don’t cry, but I wanted to after enduring that performance.

Casey James is singing “Power Of Love” by Huey Louis. His vocals are decent, but he’s not bringing any energy to the song at all. He gets major points for dissing Miley Cyrus when he met her, though. He said, “I’m a big fan…… of your DAD’S.” Ooh, burn.

You know what I just realized? Casey James totally has Meg Ryan hair. It’s true.

Didi Benami is up next, singing “You’re No Good.” She was completely average, and the performance was a bit dull, but it wasn’t as bad as the judges made it out to be. I will say, however, that I officially want the term “pitchy all over the place” to be banned from American Idol FOREVER. Thank you.

Finally! Siobhan Magnus is last, singing “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder. Of course the Idol producers put her on last, because they want her to get more votes and stick around. Anyway, she’s actually doing a decent job, even though she irritates the shit out of me. I think she’s totally fake, and the screachy notes she whips out at the end are UNBEARABLE.

So there you have it! Another awful week of Idol has come to an end. The 3 best performances this week were Michael Lynch, Crystal Bowersox, and Siobhan Magnus.The 3 worst performances this week were Paige Miles, Tim Urban, Andrew Garcia. Katie Stevens sucked too.

Stay tuned tomorrow night – we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

Last night, the top 12 contestants covered songs from the Rolling Stones. Tonight’s bottom 3 performers, according to your votes, were Tim Urban, Lacey Brown, and Paige Miles.

Lacey and Paige were the bottom two, but LACEY was eliminated after butchering (and I do mean butchering) The Story by Brandi Carlile. The judges did not save her. On a positive note, she’ll be able to wipe away her tears with the gigantic rose-shaped tissue sitting on top of her head.

We’ll be back next week with a live-blog of the top 11 performances. See you then!

WELCOME BACK TO WE HATE IDOL! All the delicious, live-blogging goodness will begin again tonight! For those who don’t know me, I’m Jillian Madison. I’ll be your host for the next 12 painful weeks of awful singing and redundant judges’ commentary.

(Note: Aside from one audition show back in January, I haven’t watched any episodes of Idol yet this season. I honestly have no idea who these contestants are, or what they’re about. I wanted to be able to bring you honest commentary without any prior history or knowledge of the contestants or their stupid sob stories. I have heard, though, most of them SUCK ASS and that this is the worst season people have seen in years. Lucky us.

The live photo-recap and performance rundown will begin at 8 EST. Until then, here’s a reminder:

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s do this!

8:00 pm: Ellen’s wearing a scarf inside. That’s one of my biggest fashion pet peeves, so we’re already off to a bad start. To make matters worse, Ryan Seacrest’s front tooth just blinded me.

8:03: Who are all these sorry looking people on stage? Christ, is that the Top 12, or the newest castmembers of Freaks And Geeks: The Musical?

8:05 Michael Lynche is up first. He’s wearing a scarf too! What the hell?

FYI: IT’S ROLLING STONES NIGHT – and personally, they’re one of my most hated bands of all time. Goodie!

8:07: Michael is singing Miss You. Wait, is he the kid from The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock? He’s dancing around the stage like a freak, and his poor pants zipper looks like its hanging on for dear life.

Simon said his performance was “verging on desperate.” I agree. I’m not impressed. NEXT!

8:15 pm: This depressing autism commercial brought to you by Toni Braxton.

8:16: Didi Benami is up next. And HER MOTHER IS WEARING A SCARF. This is a freakin’ conspiracy, I’m telling you.

Didi is singing Play With Fire. She’s eye-fucking the camera and I sort of want to punch her. Actually, I just decided she looks like Justin Bieber with extensions.

Question: do you guys think American Idol is sponsored by Coke?

8:23: Casey James is up next. Oh, and here we go with the sob story from his youth. He had seizures, and he could only “hum songs in his crib.” And then I bet he had to walk to school everyday. Uphill. In the snow. BAREFOOT.

He’s singing “It’s All Over Now.” He has a guitar and dirty looking hair, and he actually looks like a vampire extra from True Blood.

The judges (except for Simon, of course) liked his performance, and Kara even called him a “rock star.” And by “rock star” I can only assume she meant “dull guy who could probably make a decent living entertaining the elderly with his fancy blue guitar.” But what else could you expect from a guy who grew up in a town called “cool?” (rolling eyes)

So far, I’m woefully unimpressed. Tell me this shit is going to get better, guys.

8:33 pm: This Lacey Brown chick looks like a young Sharon Osbourne. She’s singing “Ruby Tuesday” – and her voice is simply HORRIBLE. By far, the worst performance of the night. Goodbye Ruby Tuesday? More like GOODBYE LACEY. Next!

8:43 pm: This Andrew Garcia guy looks like a douchebag. Who tattoos their neck? Seriously? And those glasses! He’s like the lovechild of Danny Gokey and Junior from the Sopranos.

Andrew’s performance was horrible. Randy said he was pitchy, but Ellen said it was his “best performance yet.” A scary woman with a mohawk in the audience clearly agreed with her. Personally, I hated everything about it. NEXT!

8:54: Katie is up next, and people in the audience have photos of her face on popsicle sticks. I know. Annoying, right? She looks like she’s 84 years old. And even worse, I seriously think she stole that broach from my grandmother’s casket.

Aaaand, of course Katie is singing Wild Horses. Holy shit. Somebody tell this girl she’s not in YOUTH CHOIR. I can’t believe I share a state with her. If I ever see her around the Hartford CT capitol building or something, we’re going to have some serious words.

DEAR GOD, what is this inlay they’re doing with her face? Like she’s not old enough? I think I aged 8 years watching that performance. AWFUL. Is she like Benjamin Button or something? Is she aging in reverse?

Time for more commercials! Question: who hired Luke Wilson’s fat older brother to be the new spokesman for AT&T? And why is he standing in Ellen Degeneres’ closet?

9:05 pm: Tim Urban is up next. Wait, isn’t there already a famous person named Tim Urban? Doesn’t he sing songs about cowboy boots and John Deere lawnmowers?

Whoever this kid is, he’s HORRIBLE. He looks like a rejected Jonas brother, with an uglier haircut than Chad Rogers from Million Dollar Listings.

UPDATE: I’ve been informed the famous Urban is Keith Urban, and he’s married to Nicole Kidman. Shows how much I know.

I DO know that Tim Urban’s reggae-ish performance sucked, and the judges hated it too. Right about now, I’m finding it ironic that the American Idol talent pool is not talented. Discuss amongst yourselves.

These commercials are AWFUL. It is good to see, though, that Kris Allen could at least afford to lease a Ford Fusion.

9:15 pm: Siobhan Magnus is up next, singing “Paint It Black.” This is torture to listen to. You know what I wish I could paint black? MY EARDRUMS. Christ. I can’t hear anything after that 21-second long witches cackle she let out at the end of the song. She reminds me of Adam Lambert without a penis. (Er, wait, does Lambert have a penis?)

And on another note, you know what? I’m so freakin’ sick of big emo glasses. Who is her style icon? The guy from the Six Flags commercial? Come on.

9:25: Who is this tool? Lee DeWyze? And why do I give a shit that he used to work in a paint store? Anyway, he’s singing “Beast Of Burden” tonight. And Jack Johnson called. He wants his vocal chords back. I’m bored to death by this guy and his pleather jacket. Even Simon called him dull and forgettable – and he’s right.

Hang in there, Idol Haters! There’s only 30 minutes left in this crapfest! But first, ANOTHER COMMERCIAL! Surprise!

9:36 pm: Paige Miles is up next. She grew up singing in the church. Say, I wonder if she knows Katie Stevens?

I’ve never heard Paige sing before, and honestly, once is enough. She sounds like Carrie Underwood after getting run over by an out of control 18-wheeler. Hideous. And what the hell is she wearing? Are there SHORTS built into the bottom of her dress? Yes. Yes there are. NEXT.

9:40: Aaron Kelly is up next. And his mother’s name is KELLY KELLY. I could not make this shit up.

This kid is horrrrrrrrendous. Boring, generic, and dull. The most newsworthy thing about him is his mother’s name. NEXT.

9:52 pm: Finally! The last performer, Crystal Bowersox, is singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” In her case, she’s clearly referring to “getting the huge knot out of the back of her hair.”

The girl is completely forgettable. She’s ordinary, and I felt like I was watching a high school talent show. The judges weren’t thrilled by her, either, and Simon said she was beat by Siobhan tonight.

So that brought this slow, talentless episode to an end! No one stood out as being good, but lots of people stood out as being horribly bad: Katie Stevens, Aaron Kelly, Michael Lynche, Andrew Garcia, and Tim Urban suck hardcore and are all in danger of going home tomorrow.

The action starts at 8 EST. Come back then and skewer the show with us in the comments section!

8:03: Here we go – Season 9 is underway. Paula Abdul: out. C-list celebrity guest judges: in. The auditions are starting in Boston.

Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) is the first guest judge, and for some ungodly reason, she’s wearing a piece of a black stocking on her head.

8:08: The first contestant is JANET McNAMARA, who thinks she’s qualified to be here because she played the American Idol video game on her Nintendo Wii. Her stomach is pouring out over her jeans. This woman is a walking muffin top. She’s singing “Pocket Full Of Sunshine” and it’s hideous. The judges are appropriately horrified. Janet didn’t make the cut.

8:14: Here comes some random girl with 11 brothers and sisters. One of them has Downs Syndrome, so you know she’s going to make it to the next round.

Scratch that – SEVERAL of her siblings have Downs Syndrome.

Maddy’s singing “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. I liked Brandi Carlile’s version better, but she has a nice voice. But come on, a dying whale would have sounded good after Janet. And of course, she made it to Hollywood.

8:20: Aaand, here comes Pat Ford, a loser in an Abercrombie polo screaming “HOLLER” and thinking he’s funny for doing so. He’s singing “Womanizer.” Is that supposed to be funny because he’s not? God, this season is boring me already. NEXT!

8:30: Nothing tells you you’re in the northeast like an overweight, greasy meathead from Rhode Island screaming at you in broken Italian. Meet 28-year old Amadeo Diricco. ROCK ME, AMADEO! Kara said she felt like she was “at home with her cousin” and Simon said it was his “favorite audition of the day.” They put him through. The entire cast of Jersey Shore is now celebrating in the waiting area.

8:33: Some loser with pimply skin just said he started “GRADUSTATING” to music a few years ago. Obviously, since he didn’t do any GRADUSTATING from college.

8:41: Mary Doyle is up next. She’s got yellow teeth, red hair, and she’s obsessed with Anime. Whatever. She’s boring, and I’ve got 50 bucks that says she didn’t get asked to prom.

8:45: Ah, finally. A rejected hipster in a knit ski cap singing Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. My life is complete.

8:48: They sure are loving this toolbag in the non-prescription tortoise shell glasses, aren’t they? His name is Andrew Fenlen, and guess what…

He’s also a total dick. Victoria Beckham called him “hideously arrogant” and Kara DioGuardi went off on him for 5 minutes. He was like watching Clark Kent’s much less talented, much more obnoxious younger brother. He was the most interesting person on the entire episode, but he didn’t make it through to Hollywood.

9:00: We’re an hour into this shit, and I haven’t seen Victoria Beckham smile once. Does her face even move anymore?

9:02: The only thing I hate more than Alicia Keys is people who sing Alicia Keys on their American Idol audition.

I also just realized I don’t miss Paula Abdul at all. It’s like she was never even there to begin with.

9:04: Tyler Grady just sang “Let’s Get It On.” He looks like he just stole Greg Brady’s wardrobe from the episode when he  moved his bedroom into Mike’s den.

9:05: Oh, look! Another commercial! This gives me time to discuss how useless Victoria Beckham is as a judge. All she’s done is comment on people’s clothing. I didn’t realize I was watching Fashion Idol. Thanks for the memo.

9:10: JUST when I thought this premiere couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Seacrest is giving a history lesson about the Boston Tea party. Somewhere in America, my 7th grade Social Studies teacher is ecstatic.

9:12: Personally, I’m too distracted by the sheer amount of hair on Simon’s arm to be horrified by Lisa’s awful rendition of Marian Carey’s “Vision Of Love.”

9:15: I’m getting seasick just watching that Godzilla speedboat spinning around the water. Can this Mike guy sing his awful Beatles song and be done with it? Oh, great. They sent him through to Hollywood, even though he sang the first half of his song in a completely different key. Following in Adam Lambert’s footsteps, is he?

9:23: Time for Katie Stevens, a Portugese girl with a grandmother who has Alzheimers. This is totally sad. They’re showing footage of Katie spoonfeeding her and everything. Whatever. That’s playing dirty. I don’t even need to hear this girl sing. You know they’re going to send her through to Hollywood.

Aaaand, they sent her to Hollywood. Is this show predictable or what?

9:29: Further proof this is the most boring premiere episode ever: Randy just referenced SPANDAU BALLET. I rest my case.

9:30: I’m so sick of these sob stories. Yes, people have cancer, sick grandmothers, and disabled siblings. But do the Idol producers think the American population is so stupid, we can’t like someone without hearing their corny backstory?

9:39: Dear God. Not the “Turn The Tub Around” butter commercial. Is Megan Mullally that hard up for cash?

9:45: Norberto Guerrero looks like Latoya Jackson’s corpse. I’m terrified. I think I saw him spraypainted on the side of a loud ride at my local town carnival once.

WE HATE IDOL COMMENT OF THE NIGHT: “So, are Bosa’s parent sending me e-mail scams yet?” -Vomit

And that brought this awful episode to an end! Join us tomorrow night for another episode of American Idol. Thankfully, it’s only 90 minutes. There is a God.

This is it, guys! The final live blog of the season! Tonight’s bloated results show will be 2 hours and 7 minutes long, so prepare thyselves for a long night of boredom and lame performances (a Steve Martin song? Really?)

Last night’s Kris Allen vs Adam Lambert sing-off was the least watched American Idol finale since the first season. That confirms what we’ve been saying all along: this has been the worst season, with the least interesting and least talented contestants, in the history of the show.

Since this is American Idol, it’s time to cram some advertising down your throats! Be sure to check out our network of fun websites after Idol ends! If you watch the Food Network, you may like Food Network Humor. It pokes fun at the Food Network personalities and shows. And check out Pophangover for original pop culture satire, top 10 lists, TV recaps, and celebrity parodies.

8:05: Kara DioGuardi’s legacy – overusing the word “sweetie.”

8:06: Why the hell are Kris and Adam wearing all white? Did they die? Is this ghost Idol? Or did they suddenly get  lucrative careers as house painters?

Horrible ex-Idol contestant montage #1. Perfect time to get up and grab a snack. Or kill yourselves. Either one.

8:15: David Cook’s singing some slow, boring song with lots of adjectives and biblical references in it. If you’ve never heard it before, it’s probably because the song is so awful that the radio stations refused to play it. Nice to see he still has his signature greasy combover, and silver studded belt from Claire’s though.

One of the We Hate Idol commenters pointed out that David Cook and Kate Gosselin have damn similar haircuts:

8:25: Lil Rounds is looking FIERCE. Queen Latifah, however, has NO business wearing that black spandex unitard. AHH, LATIFAH CAMELTOE! Look away! Save yourselves! I don’t even wanna know what’s under that zipper.

8:40: Kris Allen and Keith Urban are singing “Kiss A Girl” – and even though the twang sounds of country music make my brain feel like it’s being boiled in oil, I have to admit they are pretty good together. Sounds far better than anything Lambert has done all season, that’s for sure.

8:45: World’s worst GLAMOROUS performance from the female Idol rejects. Megan Joy is still doing her twisty-turny baby dance. Fergie doesn’t sound so hot, either. If there was ever a time for Randy to bring back his “Pitchy, dawg, pitchy” critique, that time is NOW.

8:49: What the hell does Fergie have on her right hand? It looks like the world’s cheapest Wolverine costume.

8:52: Another look back at past contestants. Oh, look. Bikini girl. Remember when Kara DioGuardi was funny and feisty? For those 3 minutes? The good ol’ days.

8:53: Bikini Girl got a boob job! Her new fake tits are 2 inches below her chin and they look so gross!

8:55: Bikini Girl and Kara DioGuardi are having a sing-off on stage, to Mariah Carey’s “Vision Of Love.” Kara can sing, I’ll give her that! She sounds great. And personally, I think she’s 500x hotter than Bikini Girl, even though she’s at least 10+ years older. Ooh, drama: Kara ripped open her dress at the end, in the funniest Idol moment of the season. Ryan Seacrest said the judges dared her to do it, and since she did, they’ll be donating money to her favorite charity.

9:05: Danny Gokey is now bastardizing “Hello” by Lionel Richie, one of the most classing songs of all time. Of course, he has a new pair of glasses. “Hello? Is this awful performance over yet?” Nope! Now Lionel Richie is on stage, wearing all black, with a long black trenchcoat, like a rejected extra from the set of The Matrix. If this is Lionel Richie’s new song, it blows.

9:16: What the hell is Lambert wearing? Did he just get his ass kicked by Tina Turner in Mad Max’s Thunderdome? What an attractive look – shoulder boobs. So special. He looks like a moron.

9:17: KISS is on stage singing with Adam. I may get flamed for this, but I think KISS sucks ass. I hate their music, and their schtick is tired and lame. Nothing says “pathetic” quite like senior citizens smashing guitars in platform shoes and face makeup.

9:28: Tacky Santana music montage. Wake me when it’s over. Oh, Heather Locklear is iin the audience, and her face is looking awfully plastic-y!

9:31: Adam and Kris just got new Ford Fusions. And 3 of my gay friends already sent me instant messages saying “no self respecting gay man would be caught dead in a Ford Fusion.” Sorry, Lambert! What I want to know is, who the hell filmed that Ford Focus segment? Why was the camera so shaky? I need a Quaalude.

9:40: Danger! Danger! Scott Macintyre is alone and unattended on stage!

9:41: Rod Stewart is now on stage singing “Maggie.” Call your moms, quick. They’d love this shit. Everyone else, NOT SO MUCH. Why the hell is he here? What is he promoting? What’s wrong with his left leg? DOES HE HAVE A WOODEN LEG???

9:46: TATIANA DEL TORO should have been on this season for the sheer entertainment value alone. She just won the Golden Idol for Outstanding Female Performance. She had it in the bag. Tatiana, we’re saving all our love for your Idol tryouts next season.

9:54: This “We Are The Champions” Queen montage is corny, just like Glambert. It’s been 2 hours. Let’s just have the damn results already.

100 million people voted and the American Idol winner is KRIS ALLEN!!!!!!!!  HE DID IT!  Cocky Adam Glambert thought he had it in the bag! Phenomenal. I feel like it’s New Year’s Eve. Kris defied the odds. The producers and the judges did their best to promote Glambert as much as possible, but they failed. Kris was more talented. Kris was more genuine. And in the end, the right man won.

Thanks for a great season, everybody! We will be back in January, covering the next season of American Idol. We’ll see you then!

-WE HATE IDOL

Well, guys, we made it! We’ve endured bad singers, stage collapses, and and more Adam Lambert ass kissing than I care to mention. Thankfully, tonight marks the final performance show of the season. The winner will be announced in a boring, bloated, far-too-long episode tomorrow night.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, tonight’s finalists are Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. Each guy will sing 3 songs: their favorite song from the season, one song chosen by show creator Simon Fuller, and one song co-written by Kara DioGuardi.

Oh, look. Adam’s dad is on TV, talking about what a little hyperactive, screaming prick he was as a child. Like Adam said, “not much different than I am now.” Precisely.

Adam’s singing Mad World again. This time, the producers spent shitloads of money on stage smoke and fog machines for him. Hopefully the smoke will blow up around his face to make this performance easier to sit through again. He’s wearing all black, with a long black trench coat. So what, he’s trying to earn the trench coat mafia vote now? Do I even need to tell you all how self indulgent this performance is? Even Simon called it “overly theatrical and Phantom of the Opera” – and it was.

Oh dear. Kris Allen’s mother just said “Q-pon” instead of “coupon.” That’s a major no no.

Kris is singing Ain’t No Sunshine. Is he an idiot? Why isn’t he singing Heartless by Kanye from last week? That performance blew everybody away. No one under the age of 72 likes the song Ain’t No Sunshine. Big mistake. And can I mention he doesn’t have fog machines or special lighting like Adam Lambert did? Why don’t they just shut the lights off and have Simon shine a fucking flashlight on him and be done with it?

Adam Lambert is up next, singing Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke, picked for him by Idol creator Simon Fuller. And of course, half way through the song, we were treated to a 13-second long screech with his tongue hanging out. There are no words in the English language strong enough to accurately describe my loathing of his cringeworthy, abrasive voice. Hated every second of it. Someone needs to walk by this toolbag with a pin, pop his gigantic ego, and deliver him back down to Earth. He’s out of control.

And what the hell is going on with Paula Abdul’s excessively orange spray tan? She looks, and sounds,
like an oompa loompa.

Kris is up next, singing What’s Going On. I’ll tell you what’s going on: not much. Another performance that his target audience will not appreciate or be able to relate to. Blame it on Idol creator Simon Fuller who picked this song for him. I’m surprised he didn’t make him sing “Row row row your boat.”

Adam Lambert is now singing a song called No Boundaries, co-written by Kara DioGuardi. Wow. This song is INCREDIBLY CORNY. “With every step you climb another mountain!” Open mouth, vomit, and repeat as necessary. Adam’s overly theatrical performance is only making it more painful. I mean, guys, this is HORRIBLY BAD. The song has the word “hurricane” in it, for God’s sake. I hope no one is listening in New Orleans. Aside from the song, I can’t stand the sight of his bloated face. And frankly, those acid washed pants he’s got on belong in the GARBAGE. Blow my nonexistent penis, Lambert.

I can’t even BELIEVE we have to listen to this God-awful Kara DioGuardi song again. Poor Kris Allen is really struggling with it. It’s way too high for him. He’s pitchy, and he isn’t hitting the notes at all. I know this song sucks, but come on, Kris, it’s the finals. I can’t even blame him. He’s completely out of his element with this song. It’s not his genre or his style, and it was picked because it was more geared toward Adam Lambert’s voice. This was one of Kris Allen’s worst performances to date – and the producers wanted it that way.

That’s all she wrote. This was one of the most awful American Idol finales I’ve ever seen. The song choices were HORRIBLE, the performances were below average, and the Kara DioGuardi song was like a cruel joke against humanity. And we thought Paula Abdul’s song sucked?!

We’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. See you then. We Hate Idol, OUT.

The real story tonight was Katy Perry’s CAPE with the words “ADAM LAMBERT” written on it. Here’s a photo:

Chalk it up to just another disgusting, outrageous display of favoritism for Lambert. The producers never should have allowed her to wear this. What’s next? Simon Cowell pulling down his pants to reveal he had the word LAMBERT tattoo’d on his dick? Revolting.

You know, I disliked Katy Perry before… but now, I loathe her with the fire of a thousand suns.

We’ll see you next week for the final performances. Let’s hear it for Kris.

Another week, another episode of American Idol! I’m Jillian Madison. Tonight, the final 3 will sing two songs each (one that the judges chose for them, and one they picked themselves).

Tonight, we’re officially throwing our support behind KRIS ALLEN. Why? Because Adam Lambert is an untalented, eyeliner abusing, drama queen douchebag who makes me throw up in me mouth. Danny Gokey is a lame, dead-wife pimpin’, glasses-wearin’, closeted Taylor Hicks wannabe. And Kris is the least obnoxious of the three. So there you have it. Uh, go Kris.

Danny is starting the show with Paula’s pick, “Dance Little Sister” by Terrence Trent D’Arby. And of course, it’s the same performance we’ve been seeing for the last 3 months – Danny jumping around on stage doing the white man’s overbite for 3 minutes. Hey Danny – why are your pants tucked into your unlaced boots, you HUGE TOOL? And what is that cheap-ass, busted medallion around your neck!? Yawn. GO HOME, GOKEY. GO HOME. Maybe Wisconsin still loves you, because no one else does. Rating: 3/10.

Kara and Randy chose “Apologize” by One Republic for Kris Allen, who for some reason, has blue nail polish on his right thumb. Sorry, but he just lost major points. He’s on the piano. Rough start, rough middle, rough end. He can not hit those high notes on the “too late” parts to save his life. It sounded like a cloned version of the song; he didn’t own it at all. Sorry, Kris, no good. Rating: 4/10.

Simon chose “One” by U2 for Adam Glambert. It’s already slow, boring, and self-indulgent in the first 5 seconds. Did Adam get a haircut? Because he’s looking like an out of touch lesbian hipster that just got attacked by a pair of rusty gardening shears. This is undoubtedly the WORST rendition of “One” that I’ve ever heard in my life. I can’t believe U2 approved this shit. Another 3 minutes of out of tune shrieking from Adam Lambert, and of course, the judges licked his ass afterwords. Sickening. You know what? His glam-rock, campy, theater boy schtick has been done many times before, by people far more talented. He needs to get over himself, and the judges need a reality check. Far more people hate Lambert than like Lambert. Rating: 1/10.

BREAKING NEWS: We were able to reach Bono of U2 for comment:

Danny Gokey chose “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. God. My eyes could not have rolled any further in the back of my head. THIS IS SO BORING TO ME, CAN’T YOU SEE-EEEEE? Danny is supposed to be making an impression – but with this awful CHURCH RENDITION of an already tacky song, the only people he’s impressing are deaf women over the age of 82. Wrong song, buddy, wrong song. Painful on so many levels. Rating: 1/10.

Kris Allen is up next, singing “Heartless” by Kanye West. And you know what? IT’S AMAZING. 100x better than the original. It’s an unplugged version, just Kris and his guitar. And I’m loving it. Best performance by any performer, of the entire season. By far. Kris Allen just made Lambert and Danny Gokey look even more pathetic. Rating: 10/10.

AND OF COURSE, Adam Lambert is performing last. Again. Because they know whoever performs last, will be freshest in the television viewer’s minds, and will be more likely to get votes when the phone lines open. It’s just another pathetic, strategic move by the Idol producers, to throw even more support behind this untalented Broadway reject. And it’s just another reason WE HATE IDOL.

(And while we’re talking about Lambert… you know the only thing worse than Adam Lambert? ADAM LAMBERT FANS. They are some of the most obnoxious people I’ve ever encountered. They’re rude, they’re immature, and not surprisingly, have a combined IQ of 27. These are the morons who order sausage on their pizza, despite hating sausage, because THAT’S WHAT ADAM ORDERS! They are the pathetic souls who pay $70 on eBay for an Adam Lambert shower curtain. Give me a break. Do the world a favor: get a life, and throw your support behind someone who actually has an ounce of talent.)

Lambert is singing “Cryin” by Aerosmith. And somewhere in America, Steven Tyler is “crying” over his song being bastardized by such a poser. Guys, I’m not just saying this because I hate Adam, but this performance is AWFUL. So much worse than Kris Allen. Honestly, I’m so sick of seeing this TOOL sticking his tongue out. I don’t need to constantly think about where that tongue has been; I feel like he’s gonna give me an STD through my television screen. Horrible. And after one final plea by Simon to get voters to call in for this assface, we’re finally through with tonight’s painful episode. Rating: 1/10.

We’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down tomorrow night. Until then…

Hey Gokey, I talked to God, and even he said it’s time for you to go. Peace out. You suck.