AMERICAN IDOL FINALE: Results Show Live Blog (5/20/09)

This is it, guys! The final live blog of the season! Tonight’s bloated results show will be 2 hours and 7 minutes long, so prepare thyselves for a long night of boredom and lame performances (a Steve Martin song? Really?)

Last night’s Kris Allen vs Adam Lambert sing-off was the least watched American Idol finale since the first season. That confirms what we’ve been saying all along: this has been the worst season, with the least interesting and least talented contestants, in the history of the show.

Since this is American Idol, it’s time to cram some advertising down your throats! Be sure to check out our network of fun websites after Idol ends! If you watch the Food Network, you may like Food Network Humor. It pokes fun at the Food Network personalities and shows. And check out Pophangover for original pop culture satire, top 10 lists, TV recaps, and celebrity parodies.

8:05: Kara DioGuardi’s legacy – overusing the word “sweetie.”

8:06: Why the hell are Kris and Adam wearing all white? Did they die? Is this ghost Idol? Or did they suddenly get  lucrative careers as house painters?

Horrible ex-Idol contestant montage #1. Perfect time to get up and grab a snack. Or kill yourselves. Either one.

8:15: David Cook’s singing some slow, boring song with lots of adjectives and biblical references in it. If you’ve never heard it before, it’s probably because the song is so awful that the radio stations refused to play it. Nice to see he still has his signature greasy combover, and silver studded belt from Claire’s though.

One of the We Hate Idol commenters pointed out that David Cook and Kate Gosselin have damn similar haircuts:

8:25: Lil Rounds is looking FIERCE. Queen Latifah, however, has NO business wearing that black spandex unitard. AHH, LATIFAH CAMELTOE! Look away! Save yourselves! I don’t even wanna know what’s under that zipper.

8:40: Kris Allen and Keith Urban are singing “Kiss A Girl” – and even though the twang sounds of country music make my brain feel like it’s being boiled in oil, I have to admit they are pretty good together. Sounds far better than anything Lambert has done all season, that’s for sure.

8:45: World’s worst GLAMOROUS performance from the female Idol rejects. Megan Joy is still doing her twisty-turny baby dance. Fergie doesn’t sound so hot, either. If there was ever a time for Randy to bring back his “Pitchy, dawg, pitchy” critique, that time is NOW.

8:49: What the hell does Fergie have on her right hand? It looks like the world’s cheapest Wolverine costume.

8:52: Another look back at past contestants. Oh, look. Bikini girl. Remember when Kara DioGuardi was funny and feisty? For those 3 minutes? The good ol’ days.

8:53: Bikini Girl got a boob job! Her new fake tits are 2 inches below her chin and they look so gross!

8:55: Bikini Girl and Kara DioGuardi are having a sing-off on stage, to Mariah Carey’s “Vision Of Love.” Kara can sing, I’ll give her that! She sounds great. And personally, I think she’s 500x hotter than Bikini Girl, even though she’s at least 10+ years older. Ooh, drama: Kara ripped open her dress at the end, in the funniest Idol moment of the season. Ryan Seacrest said the judges dared her to do it, and since she did, they’ll be donating money to her favorite charity.

9:05: Danny Gokey is now bastardizing “Hello” by Lionel Richie, one of the most classing songs of all time. Of course, he has a new pair of glasses. “Hello? Is this awful performance over yet?” Nope! Now Lionel Richie is on stage, wearing all black, with a long black trenchcoat, like a rejected extra from the set of The Matrix. If this is Lionel Richie’s new song, it blows.

9:16: What the hell is Lambert wearing? Did he just get his ass kicked by Tina Turner in Mad Max’s Thunderdome? What an attractive look – shoulder boobs. So special. He looks like a moron.

9:17: KISS is on stage singing with Adam. I may get flamed for this, but I think KISS sucks ass. I hate their music, and their schtick is tired and lame. Nothing says “pathetic” quite like senior citizens smashing guitars in platform shoes and face makeup.

9:28: Tacky Santana music montage. Wake me when it’s over. Oh, Heather Locklear is iin the audience, and her face is looking awfully plastic-y!

9:31: Adam and Kris just got new Ford Fusions. And 3 of my gay friends already sent me instant messages saying “no self respecting gay man would be caught dead in a Ford Fusion.” Sorry, Lambert! What I want to know is, who the hell filmed that Ford Focus segment? Why was the camera so shaky? I need a Quaalude.

9:40: Danger! Danger! Scott Macintyre is alone and unattended on stage!

9:41: Rod Stewart is now on stage singing “Maggie.” Call your moms, quick. They’d love this shit. Everyone else, NOT SO MUCH. Why the hell is he here? What is he promoting? What’s wrong with his left leg? DOES HE HAVE A WOODEN LEG???

9:46: TATIANA DEL TORO should have been on this season for the sheer entertainment value alone. She just won the Golden Idol for Outstanding Female Performance. She had it in the bag. Tatiana, we’re saving all our love for your Idol tryouts next season.

9:54: This “We Are The Champions” Queen montage is corny, just like Glambert. It’s been 2 hours. Let’s just have the damn results already.

100 million people voted and the American Idol winner is KRIS ALLEN!!!!!!!!  HE DID IT!  Cocky Adam Glambert thought he had it in the bag! Phenomenal. I feel like it’s New Year’s Eve. Kris defied the odds. The producers and the judges did their best to promote Glambert as much as possible, but they failed. Kris was more talented. Kris was more genuine. And in the end, the right man won.

Thanks for a great season, everybody! We will be back in January, covering the next season of American Idol. We’ll see you then!

-WE HATE IDOL

adam-lambert-venn

 

MATT GIRAUD Voted Off American Idol (4/29/09)

Moley Matt was voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode. Again. It was inevitable. All of us here at We Hate Idol hope he enjoys his next 2 years playing carnivals, seedy bars, and church functions. Buh-bye.

Adam was in the bottom 2 with him, so at least America got that much right.

We’ll see you next week!

 

Simon Didn’t Give Adam Lambert A Standing Ovation Because His Performance Was Good

Attention internet, idiotic bloggers, and moronic magazine editors:

Stop acting like Simon Cowell gave Adam Lambert a standing ovation last night because his performance was good. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT, AND THAT’S NOT WHY IT HAPPENED.

The show ran 10 minutes long, and many people had DVR’s that cut off Adam Lambert’s performance. Many others flipped the channel to another show. And as much as I hate Lambert, I have to say this was a huge error on the producer’s part and it could be construed as being unfair to Lambert.

Bottom line: Simon gave Adam a standing ovation because he HAD TO. He had to do something to counteract the fact that so many people could have potentially missed Adam’s performance, and to shut up the people who would be screaming that Adam “lost votes” because of the mishap.

As always, Adam Lambert Sucks. With or without a faux-genuine standing ovation.

Love,

WE HATE IDOL

SCOTT MACINTYRE Voted Off American Idol (Finally)

Anoop and Scott were the bottom two performers tonight, but ultimately Scott Macintyre was the one sent home. No surprise there. He sucked last night, and frankly, I have no idea how he even made it as far as he did in the competition. Bye, Scott. I won’t miss you one bit.

What else did we learn tonight? Flo-Rida sweats like a pig, Kellie Pickler still can’t sing live, and Adam Lambert looks perfectly at home with half of his face covered in glitter and plastic.

We’ll see you next week for more WEHATEIDOL.

ALEXIS GRACE Kicked Off American Idol

Michael Sarver and Alexis Grace were the bottom two, but Alexis was voted off American Idol on tonight’s episode.

Earlier in the episode, Randy Jackson couldn’t remember Alexis’ name and referred to her as “ALLISON.” Yeah. If a judge can’t even remember your name at this stage in the game, you’re pretty much screwed.

Have fun playing with your daughter and singing Jolene in the shower. Bye bye.

 

American Idol Season 8: Grand Ole Opry Recap (3/17/09)

When it comes to American Idol, few words are as cringe inducing as “Grand Ole Opry Night.” This year was no exception. Who was the best? Who was the worst? I’m Jillian Madison…  let’s do this.

TOP 11: Grand Ole Opry Night with Randy Travis (3/17/09)

Michael Sarver kicked off the show, with his awful, twangy version of Garth Brooks’ “Ain’t Goin Down Til The Sun Comes Up.” He stumbled out on stage and awkwardly started high-fiving people in the audience (and let’s face it, high fiving is lame enough as it is without throwing Garth Brooks into the mix). He remembered the words to the song, but so what? The random guy playing harmonica on the side of the stage stole the performance. Sorry, Michael, total FAIL. Rating: 4/10.

Allison Irahetta was next, with her rendition of “Blame It On Your Heart” by Patty Loveless. Allison gives the same performance every week, and I’m so tired of her already. That, and she’s just downright creepy. She’s 16, but sounds like a 60 year old, 3 pack a day smoker pouring quarters into a slot machine at a casino. Scary. Can’t stand her. Rating: 5/10.

Kris Allen sang “To Make You Feel My Love” by – shocking – Garth Brooks. I’ll just say this: if I wanted to watch someone sitting in a chair making painful squinty faces for 3 minutes, I’d open the bathroom door while my uncle was trying to go “number two.” His performance was somber and boring and I felt like I was watching FUNERAL IDOL.  Rating: 5/10.

Lil Rounds sang “Independence Day” by Martina McBride. Zzzzzz. Forced, fake, and boring. Lil can sing, but you’d never know it by tonight’s performance. And unfortunately, her wardrobe was disgusting, too. Was she for real with that hideous 90s prom dress? And that costume jewelry! Is she trying to look like a retired Jewish grandmother in Boca? She looked like she was wearing pieces of a chandelier from a Titanic replica. Rating: 4/10.

Worst performance of the night: ADAM LAMBERT’s pitiful, overdone, Indian sitar rendition of “Ring Of Fire” by Johnny Cash. Now, before you start trying to tell me it was unique and original, no asshole, it was not. Supernova’s Dilana did an almost identical version 2 years ago, with sitar and all. Busted, Adam. Sorry, but I have a memory, and I never forget a performance.

Anyway. Halfway through his self indulgent, stolen performance, he started lifting up his shirt and stroking his stomach like a rejected car model in a Whitesnake video. I’m not a prude, but come on. This is a family show, douchebag. I honestly don’t know why this guy is so in love with himself, but he needs to join the rest of us back on planet Earth. He’s nothing special at all. Can’t someone just hire him for a Broadway production of Rent so I don’t have to deal with his bullshit every week? Rating: 1/10 – AS BAD AS IT GETS.

Scott Macintyre sang “Wild Horses” by Martina McBride. Of course he did. And he played his little piano. Of course he did. Look, people, the guy is mediocre and whiny and has no business being on this show. He belongs playing keyboard and singing back-up at his church’s production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Even Paula Frickin’ Abdul told him to give it a rest with the piano bullshit. What does that tell you? Rating: 3/10.

Alexis Grace completely BUTCHERED one of the most classic songs of all time, “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. AND, the tacky bitch used the stairs as a prop in her performance. The judges hated it, but the camera man sure did love her fat friend in the audience. She got more camera time than Alexis did! Rating: 2/10.

Danny Gokey is a HUGE TOOL. He made a fool of himself in front of Randy Travis, and then came out on stage wearing a STRAIGHT JACKET. It was his worst performance by far, but the judges still kissed his ass as usual. Just groom, groom, grooming him for the finals (the entire show is rigged). Could the judges make bigger fools of themselves over-praising this dweeb? Rating: 2/10.

Did you guys get the memo? Annoying Megan Joy Corkrey dropped her last name, and is now just MEGAN JOY. She did not, however, drop her idiotic dance moves. She sang “Walking After Midnight” by Patsy Cline and pee-pee danced her way through the entire performance as usual. And what about that dress she was wearing? EW. Her boobs looked like droopy coconuts. Rating: 5/10.

And did anybody else notice Megan was wearing the EXACT SAME EARRINGS AS PAULA ABDUL??? They were identical.

Anoop sang “Always On My Mind” by Willie Nelson. It was his best performance so far. Rating: 7/10. And finally, Matt Giraud sang “So Small” by Carrie Underwood, and it was more of the same from him. Piano, facial gymnastics, blah blah blah. Rating: 5/10.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

 

JASMINE MURRAY and JORGE NUNEZ voted off American Idol

Jasmine Murray and Jorge Nunez were voted off American Idol tonight (3/11/09). Jasmine: pretty, but forgettable. Jorge: nice guys finish LAST. Bye bye.

There is a slight twist to the voting this year. There is now a lame JUDGES SAVE – which they can use to once during the competition to save one contestant from elimination. No one will be sent home the week they use the veto. Instead, two people will go home the next week. So much for this being a competition decided by the public. Blow me, American Idol.

American Idol Season 8: Top 13 Episode Recap (3/10/09)

Finally, the auditions and semi-finals are over. I never thought they’d end. Two people are going home tomorrow. Who’s it going to be? Let’s go over tonight’s performances.

TOP 13: Michael Jackson Night (3/10/09)

LIL’ ROUNDS kicked off the show with “The Way You Make Me Feel.” Her voice was decent, but her clothes were hideous. Come on. White parachute pants? Was she channeling the spirit of MC Hammer?

SCOTT MACINTYRE sang “Keep The Faith” while he played his stupid piano. The performance was SO BORING. Unfortunately, his hair literally looked like a bird’s nest. I was far too preoccupied by his gross ‘fro to care about his voice. And get this! Apparently, his sister is blind too! And they sing really bad blind music together. Tragic. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if this guy was not blind, he wouldn’t be on this show. Here’s the memo guys: we’re all watching PITY IDOL.

3. DANNY GOKEY sang “PYT.” (Disclaimer: I HATE DANNY GOKEY and his lame-ass glasses and his moronic facial expressions.) He gave a self indulgent performance that reeked of his false self confidence and his Deisgner Imposters Wal-Mart body spray. Spit flew out of his mouth every time he screamed, and it was really revolting to look at. And so was his dated, tired tweed blazer. Who dressed him? His 8th grade Social Studies teacher?

Apparently, Gokey is a loser at home, too. His intro video showed him walking around imitating a chicken, as his lame family looked on and laughed. I’m glad I’m not a GOKEY.

4. Michael Sarver sang “You Are Not Alone.” Nice guy. Loves his family. Takes care of his kid and I can respect that. But this asshat has no Earthly business being on this show. His performance was horrible and cheesy and was literally painful to listen to. I felt like I was in a dentist’s office reception room, waiting to get a tooth cleaning. Kill me now.

Kris Allen sang “Remember The Time” (with his guitar that you couldn’t even hear, so what the hell was the point?) He has one doofus facial expression, the “constipated John Mayer,” and he flashes it to the point of nausea. The judges didn’t really like the performance. Because it SUCKED ASS.

Allison Iraheta sang “Give It To Me” – and unfortunately, she wasn’t referring to a box of hair dye. I thought this was one of the worst performances of the night. Clotheswise, it looked like Avril Lavigne threw up on her upper half, with all those silver chains and that cheap black plastic coat she was wearing. And apparently, she sings at some random Mexican Costco at home when she’s bored:

After her performance, Simon told her to lighten up. And the bitch actually snapped back, “I’m not dark. It’s not like I’m cutting myself.” The crowd went silent. Her parents gasped. Even Paula Abdul was mortified, and made the “zip your mouth and throw away the key, you stupid bitch” gesture:

Anoop Desai then sang “Beat It” which – coincidentally – is what he does by himself every night in his parents’ basement. OH SNAP! The performance was GOD-AWFUL. Even Paula Abdul hated it and slammed him, and that has to tell you something. And WTF? Is that The Matrix in the background?

Adam Lambert. Another “performer” on this season of Idol that I really CAN’T STAND. He sang “Black Or White” as he fantasized about having skin that wasn’t more riddled with craters than the surface of the moon. As usual, he had on more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker. His voice was grating and his singing was off pitch, and yet the judges licked his ass. Did they watch the same performance? Because I thought he sucked. Paula told him to “take it all in.” Yeah, I bet he did that last night, if you catch my perverted drift.

Everyone else:

Jasmine Murray sang “I’ll Be There.” Good vocals, but really boring and forgettable. And why was she wearing a nightgown from 1972?

Jorge Nunez sang “Never Can Say Goodbye” and his performance was awful. Slow, boring, and dull. Something you’d hear while picking out baked potatoes in a low-end supermarket in Miami. That shit may fly in Puerto Rico, but not on the mainland, buddy. Even Paula Abdul hated it.

Megan Corkrey sang “Rockin’ Robin” – and I hated it. I felt like I was at a sock hop. And for Christ’s sake, Megan, clean the boogers out of your damn kid’s nose. Is it that hard??? Gross.

Matt Giraud sang “Human Nature” and played the piano. He’s like a less entertaining, uglier version of Justin Timberlake.

Alexis Grace was last. She sang “Dirty Diana” and it was average. She would have had the 1-866-IDOLS-13 phone number, but since it’s a PORN HOTLINE, they gave her “1-866-IDOLS-36.” Ryan said they chose the number 36 because there was a top 36 in the competition. I thought they chose it to honor the number of brain cells Paula Abdul had left.

So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.

4 Wildcards Chosen; Top 13 Complete (Finally)

Tonight’s wildcard show was mind numbingly boring. Most of the contestants sang songs they’ve already sung before, including Tatiana, who sang “Saving All My Love For You” for the THIRD time this competition. Her performance was weak, and she was kicked to the curb. Bye-bye, Tatiana. Exit stage left. And take your new fake British accent with you.

They’re mixing it up this year, and having a top 13 instead of a top 12. The final 4 chosen during tonight’s Wildcard competition: JASMINE MURRAY, MEGAN CORKREY, MATT GIRAUD, and ANOOP.

The complete top 13: Scott Macintyre (the blind guy), Jorge Nunez (the Puerto Rican guy), Lil Rounds (the girl with the lame name), Allison Irahetta (the tween with the pink hair and unfortunate braces on her lower teeth), Kris Allen (the country hillbilly), Adam Lambert (the broadway freak), Alexis Grace (the boring meek mouse), Michael Sarver (the fat oil worker), Danny Gokey (the dork with the 92 pairs of glasses who pimps his dead wife for votes), Jasmine Murray (the boring black girl), Megan Corkrey (the raspy blonde mother with the tattoos), Matt Giraud (the dorky Justin Timberlake piano player), and Anoop (the Indian dork with the unibrow).

Translation: Officially the LOSER-IEST CAST OF ALL TIME.

The top 13 will be performing on Tuesday night.