American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Hollywood (Part 2)

On tonight’s episode of American Idol, the remaining 100+ contestants separated into groups. It was just like high school gym class – the losers were picked last, or weren’t picked at all, and just shuffled around the stage uncomfortably until some other losers took pity on them and invited them into their group.  The entire episode basically focused on three people – Nathaniel (the gay kid with the pierced chin), Tatiana (the annoying girl with the shaggy brown hair and awful giggle), and ugly Katrina the bikini girl. There was lots of crying, lots of whining, and lots of BORING… so let’s get on with the review.

EPISODE RECAP: HOLLYWOOD, GROUP NIGHT (2/4/09)

Nathaniel Marshall is one of the most annoying, whiny, overly dramatic contestants in Idol history. He looks like a rejected WHAM! back-up singer.

Some eliminated dweeb named Ryan Pinkerton said he got kicked off because there was “evil in Paula’s eyes.” That’s not evil, buddy. It’s 1200 milligrams of Prozac.

Katrina, the ugly bitch who shares her name with one of the worst hurricanes in our nation’s history, ditched her group to go to sleep. Why? She was “tired after wearing heels all day.” More like “tired from sucking dicks all day.” However, we’re happy to report KATRINA WAS KICKED OFF THE SHOW TONIGHT. Good riddance. You’re not all that. Your nose is busted and your smile is gummy. Have a nice life.

TEAM LAMDA LAMDA LAMDA… the team of geeks and losers led by nasty Tatiana… actually made it through. Tatiana asked Jesus for strength tomorrow. Perhaps she should also ask him for a new set of teeth, because hers are literally more brown than a 3 week old rotting banana for sale at Trader Joe’s.

The last group of the night was TEAM COMPROMISE (wow, what a cool name guys). Whiny Nathaniel made it through to the next round, even though he sounded more like he was auditioning for The Birdcage: The Musical. The blonde girl made it through, but I don’t know her name because she was a boring bitch. The other girl was out because her voice kept cracking like Madonna’s face when she smiles.

And that brought this episode to an end. Bottom line: most of the ugly people were eliminated, because that’s how Simon Cowell and American Idol roll. Sad but true. Stay tuned next week, when we’ll be in for more of the same. The top 36 will be announced, which is no big deal because that’s still too many people to give a shit about.

Leave your thoughts in the comments, and we’ll see you next week.

American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Hollywood Week 1

Hollywood week has finally arrived. Randy Jackson said the contestants will all face a “test of courage, stamina, and strength.” Calm down, Randy. It’s a singing audition, not a week in the jungle with John Rambo.

Barry Manilow also had a few random seconds of camera time. He appeared long enough to say the “secret of being a star” is “preparation and opportunity.” Huh. And all this time I thought it was giving a good blow job.

EPISODE RECAP: HOLLYWOOD, WEEK 1 (2/3/09)

Dennis Brown was the most obnoxious contestant of the night. He had a nasty lisp, and as he sang, his face was doing some serious gymnastics. I actually thought his eye was going to do a cartwheel. BUH BYE, you tool.

I don’t even know who this annoying little DWEEB with the hideous piercings is. I just know I can’t stand the sight of his face and I want him to die.

They sent this douche with the red headband and glittery shirt through. You know the talent pool has to be shallow. Or he’s fucking Simon Cowell.

I don’t know who this guy is either, but I think he threw me out of a bar last night.

Katrina Darrell  the bikini whore was back to spread more venereal disease this week. She sang Breathe by Faith Hill, and she sounded like shit. The girls wanted to send her home, but Simon sent her through because he has a small dick.

Finally we heard from some fat chick named Erica. She got thrown off, but came back on stage to beg the judges for another chance. “PLEASE LET ME STAY ON, IT’S MY COUSIN’S BIRTHDAY.” She actually said that. Can you believe it? Like anyone gives a shit? Hey Erica, guess what, it’s my birthday, and I want you to go home and wash your face. BYE BYE NOW.

And that brought this boring, boring, boring Hollywood episode to an end. 104 people will compete tomorrow night in the first group challenge. Try to get some sleep. You’ll need it to endure that shitfest.

 

American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Salt Lake City Auditions

Tonight’s American Idol auditions were in Salt Lake City, Utah – home of the weirdest people in America. I have never seen so many freaks, geeks, and losers in one place in all my life.

The show opened with a reminder that fatties, secretaries, and pregnant women still love Simon:

EPISODE RECAP: THE SALT LAKE CITY AUDITIONS (1/29/09)

First up was Tara Matthews, the goth chick in the skimpy outfit that drew way too much attention to her high BMI. She said she had ESP. Guess what, I do too. And I can tell you PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WILL BE MAKING FUN OF YOU FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS, TARA.

Paula was making this stink face for most of the night. So either the talent was bad, or Simon forgot to wash his balls again. You decide.

Also, I think I wore that white turtleneck with the stars WHEN I WAS SEVEN.

Rich Kagel looked like he just finished a 48-hour heroin binge with Steven Adler. He thinks he’s Sammy Hagar, but it’s more like Sammy HAGGARD. And red aviator sunglasses? You didn’t fly here strapped to the wing of a plane, you fucking tool. Get a life.

Meet Chris Kirkman. He showed up to the audition carrying a glittery, cutout picture of Simon’s face on a popsicle stick… AND with a fucking FAT GUY IN A BUNNY SUIT as his entourage. Do the world a favor: go home and don’t leave your bedroom until your balls drop, you sad loser. And stop watching Donnie Darko.

Finally we heard from Andrew Gibson, who thought he’d wow the judges with a hideous 50’s doo-wop audition. Hey Andrew, do you think you’re auditioning for a fucking SOCK HOP? No, you’re not. Welcome to this decade… and here’s a tip: 1-800-ProActiv.

Next week we’re in Hollywood. Stay tuned for more updates and let us know your thoughts on the episode in the comments.

Joanna Pacitti Was An Annoying Child Actor

joanne-pacitti

Joanna Pacitti, who auditioned for American Idol in Louisville and made it through to Hollywood, already has a long history in the music business. She was featured on MTV’s show “True Life” as one of three singers trying to break into the music business. She’s been covered by Britney Spears, had her songs featured in movies like Legally Blonde and Nancy Drew, and been dropped by 2 major labels.

Even worse, Joanna was an annoying child actor with a hideously unflattering haircut. She was cast as Orphan Annie in the musical when she was 11, but got fired supposedly because she got bronchitis. Her nasty showmom sued the production company for $50 million, and they settled out of court. This whole ordeal led to a skit and hysterical ridicule by Cheri Oteri on Saturday Night Live, and an interview with Barbara Walters on 20/20. Check out this unintentionally hysterical clip in which Joanna comes across as the most annoying, whiny, spoiled brat on the face of the Earth. Just try not to throw up as she chokes back her tears and says, “I have to remember I’m the real Annie, and the sun will come out tomorrow.” PLEASE.

Many people think this experience should disqualify her from American Idol, which bills itself as a show searching for new talent. Others say the public’s familiarity with her may give her an unfair advantage if she makes it to the public vote. What do you think?

 

Fantasia’s House In Foreclosure

According to the blog Real Estalker:

Season 3 American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino is about to get booted from one of her Charlotte, NC homes. According to recent reports and county records, Miss Barrino’s 6,232 square foot house has been foreclosed on and unless she can make good with a pile of cash will be auctioned to the highest bidder on January 12, 2009. Property records show Miz Barrino purchased the 6 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom pond-front mansion on Bevington Place in March of 2007 for $1,300,000. However, the children can rest easier knowing that it does not appear that Miz Barrino will go homeless as records show that she also owns a second house on nearby Seton House Lane that she purchased in July of 2004 for $740,000.

Now let this be a lesson to all of you:

fantasiahouse

David Cook “performing” on ET

Check out a new 5 minute video of David Cook whispering in an interview with ET’s Kevin Frazier. David has on more eyeliner than Cher, and is showing as much enthusiasm as a corpse.

The video opens with a few laughable moments of him butchering his song “Leave a Light On.” Thanks, but I prefer being in the dark if Cook is involved.