Finally, the auditions and semi-finals are over. I never thought they’d end. Two people are going home tomorrow. Who’s it going to be? Let’s go over tonight’s performances.
TOP 13: Michael Jackson Night (3/10/09)
LIL’ ROUNDS kicked off the show with “The Way You Make Me Feel.” Her voice was decent, but her clothes were hideous. Come on. White parachute pants? Was she channeling the spirit of MC Hammer?
SCOTT MACINTYRE sang “Keep The Faith” while he played his stupid piano. The performance was SO BORING. Unfortunately, his hair literally looked like a bird’s nest. I was far too preoccupied by his gross ‘fro to care about his voice. And get this! Apparently, his sister is blind too! And they sing really bad blind music together. Tragic. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if this guy was not blind, he wouldn’t be on this show. Here’s the memo guys: we’re all watching PITY IDOL.
3. DANNY GOKEY sang “PYT.” (Disclaimer: I HATE DANNY GOKEY and his lame-ass glasses and his moronic facial expressions.) He gave a self indulgent performance that reeked of his false self confidence and his Deisgner Imposters Wal-Mart body spray. Spit flew out of his mouth every time he screamed, and it was really revolting to look at. And so was his dated, tired tweed blazer. Who dressed him? His 8th grade Social Studies teacher?
Apparently, Gokey is a loser at home, too. His intro video showed him walking around imitating a chicken, as his lame family looked on and laughed. I’m glad I’m not a GOKEY.
4. Michael Sarver sang “You Are Not Alone.” Nice guy. Loves his family. Takes care of his kid and I can respect that. But this asshat has no Earthly business being on this show. His performance was horrible and cheesy and was literally painful to listen to. I felt like I was in a dentist’s office reception room, waiting to get a tooth cleaning. Kill me now.
Kris Allen sang “Remember The Time” (with his guitar that you couldn’t even hear, so what the hell was the point?) He has one doofus facial expression, the “constipated John Mayer,” and he flashes it to the point of nausea. The judges didn’t really like the performance. Because it SUCKED ASS.
Allison Iraheta sang “Give It To Me” – and unfortunately, she wasn’t referring to a box of hair dye. I thought this was one of the worst performances of the night. Clotheswise, it looked like Avril Lavigne threw up on her upper half, with all those silver chains and that cheap black plastic coat she was wearing. And apparently, she sings at some random Mexican Costco at home when she’s bored:
After her performance, Simon told her to lighten up. And the bitch actually snapped back, “I’m not dark. It’s not like I’m cutting myself.” The crowd went silent. Her parents gasped. Even Paula Abdul was mortified, and made the “zip your mouth and throw away the key, you stupid bitch” gesture:
Anoop Desai then sang “Beat It” which – coincidentally – is what he does by himself every night in his parents’ basement. OH SNAP! The performance was GOD-AWFUL. Even Paula Abdul hated it and slammed him, and that has to tell you something. And WTF? Is that The Matrix in the background?
Adam Lambert. Another “performer” on this season of Idol that I really CAN’T STAND. He sang “Black Or White” as he fantasized about having skin that wasn’t more riddled with craters than the surface of the moon. As usual, he had on more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker. His voice was grating and his singing was off pitch, and yet the judges licked his ass. Did they watch the same performance? Because I thought he sucked. Paula told him to “take it all in.” Yeah, I bet he did that last night, if you catch my perverted drift.
Jasmine Murray sang “I’ll Be There.” Good vocals, but really boring and forgettable. And why was she wearing a nightgown from 1972?
Jorge Nunez sang “Never Can Say Goodbye” and his performance was awful. Slow, boring, and dull. Something you’d hear while picking out baked potatoes in a low-end supermarket in Miami. That shit may fly in Puerto Rico, but not on the mainland, buddy. Even Paula Abdul hated it.
Megan Corkrey sang “Rockin’ Robin” – and I hated it. I felt like I was at a sock hop. And for Christ’s sake, Megan, clean the boogers out of your damn kid’s nose. Is it that hard??? Gross.
Matt Giraud sang “Human Nature” and played the piano. He’s like a less entertaining, uglier version of Justin Timberlake.
Alexis Grace was last. She sang “Dirty Diana” and it was average. She would have had the 1-866-IDOLS-13 phone number, but since it’s a PORN HOTLINE, they gave her “1-866-IDOLS-36.” Ryan said they chose the number 36 because there was a top 36 in the competition. I thought they chose it to honor the number of brain cells Paula Abdul had left.
So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.