When it comes to American Idol, few words are as cringe inducing as “Grand Ole Opry Night.” This year was no exception. Who was the best? Who was the worst? I’m Jillian Madison… let’s do this.
TOP 11: Grand Ole Opry Night with Randy Travis (3/17/09)
Michael Sarver kicked off the show, with his awful, twangy version of Garth Brooks’ “Ain’t Goin Down Til The Sun Comes Up.” He stumbled out on stage and awkwardly started high-fiving people in the audience (and let’s face it, high fiving is lame enough as it is without throwing Garth Brooks into the mix). He remembered the words to the song, but so what? The random guy playing harmonica on the side of the stage stole the performance. Sorry, Michael, total FAIL. Rating: 4/10.
Allison Irahetta was next, with her rendition of “Blame It On Your Heart” by Patty Loveless. Allison gives the same performance every week, and I’m so tired of her already. That, and she’s just downright creepy. She’s 16, but sounds like a 60 year old, 3 pack a day smoker pouring quarters into a slot machine at a casino. Scary. Can’t stand her. Rating: 5/10.
Kris Allen sang “To Make You Feel My Love” by – shocking – Garth Brooks. I’ll just say this: if I wanted to watch someone sitting in a chair making painful squinty faces for 3 minutes, I’d open the bathroom door while my uncle was trying to go “number two.” His performance was somber and boring and I felt like I was watching FUNERAL IDOL. Rating: 5/10.
Lil Rounds sang “Independence Day” by Martina McBride. Zzzzzz. Forced, fake, and boring. Lil can sing, but you’d never know it by tonight’s performance. And unfortunately, her wardrobe was disgusting, too. Was she for real with that hideous 90s prom dress? And that costume jewelry! Is she trying to look like a retired Jewish grandmother in Boca? She looked like she was wearing pieces of a chandelier from a Titanic replica. Rating: 4/10.
Worst performance of the night: ADAM LAMBERT’s pitiful, overdone, Indian sitar rendition of “Ring Of Fire” by Johnny Cash. Now, before you start trying to tell me it was unique and original, no asshole, it was not. Supernova’s Dilana did an almost identical version 2 years ago, with sitar and all. Busted, Adam. Sorry, but I have a memory, and I never forget a performance.
Anyway. Halfway through his self indulgent, stolen performance, he started lifting up his shirt and stroking his stomach like a rejected car model in a Whitesnake video. I’m not a prude, but come on. This is a family show, douchebag. I honestly don’t know why this guy is so in love with himself, but he needs to join the rest of us back on planet Earth. He’s nothing special at all. Can’t someone just hire him for a Broadway production of Rent so I don’t have to deal with his bullshit every week? Rating: 1/10 – AS BAD AS IT GETS.
Scott Macintyre sang “Wild Horses” by Martina McBride. Of course he did. And he played his little piano. Of course he did. Look, people, the guy is mediocre and whiny and has no business being on this show. He belongs playing keyboard and singing back-up at his church’s production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Even Paula Frickin’ Abdul told him to give it a rest with the piano bullshit. What does that tell you? Rating: 3/10.
Alexis Grace completely BUTCHERED one of the most classic songs of all time, “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. AND, the tacky bitch used the stairs as a prop in her performance. The judges hated it, but the camera man sure did love her fat friend in the audience. She got more camera time than Alexis did! Rating: 2/10.
Danny Gokey is a HUGE TOOL. He made a fool of himself in front of Randy Travis, and then came out on stage wearing a STRAIGHT JACKET. It was his worst performance by far, but the judges still kissed his ass as usual. Just groom, groom, grooming him for the finals (the entire show is rigged). Could the judges make bigger fools of themselves over-praising this dweeb? Rating: 2/10.
Did you guys get the memo? Annoying Megan Joy Corkrey dropped her last name, and is now just MEGAN JOY. She did not, however, drop her idiotic dance moves. She sang “Walking After Midnight” by Patsy Cline and pee-pee danced her way through the entire performance as usual. And what about that dress she was wearing? EW. Her boobs looked like droopy coconuts. Rating: 5/10.
And did anybody else notice Megan was wearing the EXACT SAME EARRINGS AS PAULA ABDUL??? They were identical.
Anoop sang “Always On My Mind” by Willie Nelson. It was his best performance so far. Rating: 7/10. And finally, Matt Giraud sang “So Small” by Carrie Underwood, and it was more of the same from him. Piano, facial gymnastics, blah blah blah. Rating: 5/10.
So there you have it. Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down.