American Idol Season 8: First 3 of the Top 12 Revealed

After a painful performance by Carly Smithson and Michael Johns, and more of Ryan Seacrest’s cheesy bullshit, the first three contestants  of the Top 12 were revealed.

TOP 12: FIRST THREE CONTESTANTS (2/18/09)

1. ALEXIS GRACE (aka Cyndi Lauper’s stunt double). She’s boring and meek. And where’d she get that hideous wicker fedora? As a free gift for spending more than $50 at Pier 1 Imports?

2. MICHAEL SARVER, the oil worker. At least he’ll have a job to go back to when he gets thrown off Idol after the first week.

3. DANNY GOKEY. I have to borrow a phrase from my friend Lydia to describe my feelings for this guy: I HATE HIM WITH THE FIRE OF TEN THOUSAND SUNS. Those glasses. That cocky attitude. Ugh.

Everything about him screams, “I want to quit my job at the church and start singing karaoke at a gay club.”

It all came down to Tatiana and Danny – and as mentioned above, Danny made it to the top 12 and Tatiana got sent home. She clutched her hand to her chest, and cried in the corner as Danny sang. Tatiana, you let me down, girl. I was expecting a full-on collapse, resulting in Paula Abdul having to puncture a hole in your chest with your star bracelet to re-inflate your lung.

Bottom line: Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver, and Danny Gokey are the first 3 members of the top 12. Shoot me now.

The DANNY GOKEY GLASSES COUNT is up to: 7 PAIRS OF GLASSES. Yes, Danny Gokey has worn SEVEN pairs of glasses so far. Photographic proof is in the works.

Leave your thoughts on the episode in the comments, and we’ll see you next week for the 2nd group of 12.

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