Tonight’s American Idol auditions were in Salt Lake City, Utah – home of the weirdest people in America. I have never seen so many freaks, geeks, and losers in one place in all my life.
The show opened with a reminder that fatties, secretaries, and pregnant women still love Simon:
EPISODE RECAP: THE SALT LAKE CITY AUDITIONS (1/29/09)
First up was Tara Matthews, the goth chick in the skimpy outfit that drew way too much attention to her high BMI. She said she had ESP. Guess what, I do too. And I can tell you PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WILL BE MAKING FUN OF YOU FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS, TARA.
Paula was making this stink face for most of the night. So either the talent was bad, or Simon forgot to wash his balls again. You decide.
Also, I think I wore that white turtleneck with the stars WHEN I WAS SEVEN.
Rich Kagel looked like he just finished a 48-hour heroin binge with Steven Adler. He thinks he’s Sammy Hagar, but it’s more like Sammy HAGGARD. And red aviator sunglasses? You didn’t fly here strapped to the wing of a plane, you fucking tool. Get a life.
Meet Chris Kirkman. He showed up to the audition carrying a glittery, cutout picture of Simon’s face on a popsicle stick… AND with a fucking FAT GUY IN A BUNNY SUIT as his entourage. Do the world a favor: go home and don’t leave your bedroom until your balls drop, you sad loser. And stop watching Donnie Darko.
Finally we heard from Andrew Gibson, who thought he’d wow the judges with a hideous 50’s doo-wop audition. Hey Andrew, do you think you’re auditioning for a fucking SOCK HOP? No, you’re not. Welcome to this decade… and here’s a tip: 1-800-ProActiv.
Next week we’re in Hollywood. Stay tuned for more updates and let us know your thoughts on the episode in the comments.