American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Arizona Auditions

Season 8 of American Idol premiered tonight, and we’re already off to a slow start. Except for a whore in a bikini, the introduction of a mediocre new judge, and a blind dude, the Arizona auditions were boring and forgettable. Here’s a quick rundown.

THE 5 BIGGEST TOOLS AT THE ARIZONA AUDITIONS (1/13/09)

	1. Tuan Nguyen, a dweeb with a huge afro and tapered jeans who chugged a bottle of water in 2 seconds flat. Either he was nervous, or he needs to get tested for diabetes. You decide. . GO HOME. CUT YOUR HAIR. BYE BYE.
	2. Ryan Madden, a wannabe rock star who cried more than Jodie Foster in “The Accused.” He sang “Livin On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi, and let’s just say Gina dreamed of running away… because of this guy’s voice. . SEE YOU LATER. BYE BYE. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOUR BANDANA IS UGLY.
	3. Michael Gurr sang a Carrie Underwood song. At least I think it was a Carrie Underwood song. It sounded more like the noises my dog makes when he has to take a shit. . ONE WORD: PROACTIV. TRY SOME. PUBERTY IS A BITCH. BYE BYE.
	4. Shawn Vasquez was only shown for about 4 seconds, butchering “I Know I’ll Never Love That Way Again.” We honestly have no idea if Shawn pees while standing or sitting, but regardless, we had to pause to admire that gorgeous, oversized Diamonelle star earring. Please notice the star shaved into Shawn’s head, too. . WE KNOW WE’LL NEVER LOVE THAT WAY AGAIN EITHER, THANKS TO WHAT SHAWN DID TO OUR SENSES.
	5. Lea Marie Golde, a hyperactive girl in a Barbie hat who was obsessed with Kara DioGuardi. She thinks of herself as a cross between Hillary Duff and Madonna. The truth is, she’s a cross between a person with a severe head cold, and your neighbor’s annoying red-headded stepchild. . HAVE FUN WRITING IN YOUR PINK BINDER. GO HOME NOW. AND CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.

OTHER STUFF:

Paula Abdul was rockin’ these gigantic, oversized glasses. Those babies look like something that should have been worn by Jane Fonda in 9 to 5, or by 8th grade students in a woodworking class. We were half expecting Paula to whip out a 2×4 and run it through a table saw. Safety first!

This recap wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Katrina Darrell, the whore who’s so in love with herself that she showed up to the auditions wearing a bikini. Her body was decent, but so what? Her voice sucked ass. Last I checked, this was an American Idol audition – not a Hooters meet ‘n greet.Kara and Paula wisely passed on her, but Randy and Simon put her through. It was nauseating to watch. Hopefully she won’t make it past Hollywood week.

The last audition of the night came from some blind dude. Of course, they put him through to Hollywood even though his voice was average at best. Then, in one of the most awkward moments in the history of American Idol, Ryan Seacrest tried to HIGH FIVE the blind dude. High fiving is lame as it is, but when you’re trying to high five a BLIND PERSON, it’s even worse.

So what did everyone think? Let us know your thoughts in the comments. We’ll see you tomorrow night for another drawn out 2-hour long episode of American Idol. Until then, here’s some video of RYAN SEACREST HIGH FIVING THE BLIND DUDE.

1. aaron

   January 14th, 2009

   This was BORING!!!!!! Too many bad auditions, too much time given to them. 27 singers got through, really?? Kara may have worked better from the beginning, now it just makes the judging longer. She should replace Randy. I might tune into hollywood week, but I think I’m finally getting over this show. It will be funny though when Simon makes bikini girl cry all the way home when she sings with clothes on!

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2. Maddy

   January 14th, 2009

   Your recap was spot on. I hate this show. I hate myself even more for watching each year. This the best Idol related site I’ve been to and I hope it catches on.

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3. alexis-sunshine

   January 14th, 2009

   This was a great recap. I agree with everything you said. I want to add that this season is lacking something that I can’t quite put my finger on. There was no spark and there were no watercooler moments. Nothing stood out! It was SO BORING.

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4. Lyric

   January 14th, 2009

   Your column was funny. You forgot the over rated pipeline guy. He will not go far. Bikini girl. Get some implants and then move over to the Rock of Love auditions.

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5. Willie

   January 15th, 2009

   This season is really gonna suck! 4 judges..come-on people. It seemed like only 4 or five people auditioned the first 2 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Judge Judy would be a great judge, she and Simon would be all they needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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