American Idol Season 8 Episode Recap – Salt Lake City Auditions

Tonight’s American Idol auditions were in Salt Lake City, Utah – home of the weirdest people in America. I have never seen so many freaks, geeks, and losers in one place in all my life.

The show opened with a reminder that fatties, secretaries, and pregnant women still love Simon:

EPISODE RECAP: THE SALT LAKE CITY AUDITIONS (1/29/09)

First up was Tara Matthews, the goth chick in the skimpy outfit that drew way too much attention to her high BMI. She said she had ESP. Guess what, I do too. And I can tell you PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WILL BE MAKING FUN OF YOU FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS, TARA.

Paula was making this stink face for most of the night. So either the talent was bad, or Simon forgot to wash his balls again. You decide.

Also, I think I wore that white turtleneck with the stars WHEN I WAS SEVEN.

Rich Kagel looked like he just finished a 48-hour heroin binge with Steven Adler. He thinks he’s Sammy Hagar, but it’s more like Sammy HAGGARD. And red aviator sunglasses? You didn’t fly here strapped to the wing of a plane, you fucking tool. Get a life.

Meet Chris Kirkman. He showed up to the audition carrying a glittery, cutout picture of Simon’s face on a popsicle stick… AND with a fucking FAT GUY IN A BUNNY SUIT as his entourage. Do the world a favor: go home and don’t leave your bedroom until your balls drop, you sad loser. And stop watching Donnie Darko.

Finally we heard from Andrew Gibson, who thought he’d wow the judges with a hideous 50’s doo-wop audition. Hey Andrew, do you think you’re auditioning for a fucking SOCK HOP? No, you’re not. Welcome to this decade… and here’s a tip: 1-800-ProActiv.

Next week we’re in Hollywood. Stay tuned for more updates and let us know your thoughts on the episode in the comments.

Joanna Pacitti Was An Annoying Child Actor

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Joanna Pacitti, who auditioned for American Idol in Louisville and made it through to Hollywood, already has a long history in the music business. She was featured on MTV’s show “True Life” as one of three singers trying to break into the music business. She’s been covered by Britney Spears, had her songs featured in movies like Legally Blonde and Nancy Drew, and been dropped by 2 major labels.

Even worse, Joanna was an annoying child actor with a hideously unflattering haircut. She was cast as Orphan Annie in the musical when she was 11, but got fired supposedly because she got bronchitis. Her nasty showmom sued the production company for $50 million, and they settled out of court. This whole ordeal led to a skit and hysterical ridicule by Cheri Oteri on Saturday Night Live, and an interview with Barbara Walters on 20/20. Check out this unintentionally hysterical clip in which Joanna comes across as the most annoying, whiny, spoiled brat on the face of the Earth. Just try not to throw up as she chokes back her tears and says, “I have to remember I’m the real Annie, and the sun will come out tomorrow.” PLEASE.

Many people think this experience should disqualify her from American Idol, which bills itself as a show searching for new talent. Others say the public’s familiarity with her may give her an unfair advantage if she makes it to the public vote. What do you think?