AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 7 WINNER: DAVID COOK

Who won American Idol Season 7 on tonights Results Show: DAVID COOK!

The painfully long results show was a chore to watch. It was nothing but a 2-hour promotional event for upcoming movies, and a platform for old, out-of-touch artists to advertise their new albums. It was actually really pandering, and annoying to watch.

8:00 pm – 8:20 pm: After a CHEESY performance from the Top 12 contestants and Seal (what happened to Seal’s Face?! I know he was in a fire years ago, but it looked even WORSE), we had to sit through a gratuitous, 10-minute long promo for Mike Myers’ new movie, The Love Guru. Somebody needs to tell Mike Myers or Guru Pitka, enough with the Mariska Hargitay reference. It was funny the first 2 times but by the 10th time he said it, I wanted to beat him over the head with his fake sitar until he became funny again.

Next up was a TRAGIC performance from Donna Summer, there to promote her new album and sing her new song, Stamp Your Feet. Uh, I don’t even know what that means. Does the post office have to help with that or can I do it alone? Whatever. One thing is certain; poor Ms. Summer looked like Dennis Rodman in a cheap, bad weave. And she sounded horrid.

9:00 pm: After a few more badly sung songs from the Final 12 (including Graham Nash singing with Brooke White, shudder) we had to sit through a lame Bryan Adams song medley, quickly followed by an ear-clasping David Cook/ZZ Top performance. Then, during the commercial break, we had to see David Cook dressed up in his underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, shamelessly advertising Guitar Hero. And in case that all wasn’t awful enough, after the commercial break, came David Archuleta bastardizing Apologize by One Republic.

9:20 pm: And there’s still another 40 minutes to go. Oh look, here comes 17 year old Jordin Sparks, singing some song that no one has ever heard of. Goodie. What a treat. Better than David Cook in his dirty underwear, that’s for sure. (Unrelated sidenote, no, you’re not the only one who thinks Jordin Sparks looks like a creepy identical clone of America Ferrara.)

9:30 pm: Great, just when I thought there was nothing left to promote… we had to watch a LAME stunt for the new Ben Stiller/Jack Black/Robert Downey Jr movie, Tropic Thunder. The guys were dressed in bad tuxes, on a green screen, pretending to be backup singers for Gladys Knight. For 4 minutes. Doing the same lame dance moves over and over. I think it was supposed to be funny, but IT WAS NOT. I can not emphasize how stupid it was.

9:34 pm: Carrie Underwood performed Last Name. She has talent. I have nothing to say, except she was wearing Jerry Seinfeld’s PUFFY PIRATE SHIRT under a tuxedo jacket.

9:38 pm: MORE FORD COMMERCIALS. Yes, you gave a car to the Davids. Yes, we know you make hybrids. And oh, look, David Archuleta in his underwear advertising Guitar Hero. It was creepy to watch, because he is about as asexual as the maple tree in my back yard. I may have nightmares.

9:43 pm: Poor George Michael. The girls bastarded Faith and the guys ruined Father

Figure. Michael Johns sucks even more than I remembered. And again, there’s no way I can convey how bad this medley was. I’ve seen better performances at grammar school plays.

9:47 pm: George Michael came out on stage. He looked HORRIBLE, and he was wearing Linda Richman’s sunglasses (Coffee Talk!) Of course, you guessed it, he was there TO PROMOTE HIS NEW ALBUM and TO SING HIS BORING, 6 MINUTE LONG SONG, Praying For Time. After the performance, he pushed his upcoming North American tour, and then tried to blame tonight’s crappy performance on “a cold.” Yeah. Like anyone cares.

9:56 pm: I wish So You Think You Can Dance would just start already. I’m so sick of seeing the same commercial for it every 4 seconds.

9:57 pm: Lame final words from the judges.

9:59 pm: Some stuffy British guy in a suit brought the results envelope to Ryan Seacrest. And now, time to announce the winner of American Idol Season 7: DAVID COOK. He won by 12 million votes.

10:00 pm: Some more fake tears from David Cook, digging his thumbs into his eyes in a desperate attempt to make them tear up. Congratulations David Cook, may you go on to do absolutely nothing like so many of the other Idol winners have!

Stay tuned, we will see you back here for American Idol Season 8 on January 13-14, 2009.