American Idol Episode Recap: The Final Two Week: David vs. David (Season 7)

Another week, another episode from the worst season of American Idol! This week, the Davids sang three songs each: one song chosen by Clive Davis (he’s so old, can he even HEAR anymore?), one song that was new and unreleased (translation: some crappy song you’ve never heard of), and one final song they chose themselves (translation: some crappy song you HAVE heard of, but still hate nonetheless).

The entire show had a LAME AND GENERIC “head to head” boxing theme, complete with legendary boxing announcer Michael Buffer. Aw, what’s wrong, Michael? No one beating Oscar de la Hoya’s head in tonight? Need a little extra money to buy that mid-life crisis Ferrari? Bygones. Fox had Cook and Archuleta come out on stage dressed in retarded boxing robes, and somewhere in America, Sylvester Stallone clutched his hand to his chest and collapsed. Adrienne! Call 911!

Before the show started, Ryan asked each David, “What did you do to prepare for tonight’s show?” Like anyone cares. I’ll fill you in anyway. David Cook said he spent several hours in the mirror trying to determine which angles made his ass and hips look thinnest, and trying to master the fine art of getting your eyes to tear without the aid of boric acid or onions. Meanwhile, David Archuleta spent a good portion of pre-show time trying to find a lone sock to stuff down his pants.

First up: the CLIVE DAVIS song. David Cook sang, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2. The only thing I was looking for was the mute button, and thankfully, I found it. Cook’s performance was lame, and so was his outfit. He looked like he just stepped off the set of The Craft. He had on a Stevie Nicks black blazer and witchy black boots, complete with a Pagan choker necklace tightly cinched around his fat, piggish neck. And seriously, somebody tell this dweeb that wallet chains went “out” right around the time Britney Spears was slipping on her first training bra.

Cook’s second song, a “new unreleased” song of his choice, was Dream Big by Emily Shackleton (crickets chirping). Cook’s performance was HORRIBLE, to say the least. I will say this: not even the seizure-inducing, flashing strobe lights could distract me from Cook’s bartender beer gut bouncing whimsically beneath his tight fitting shirt. Also, this song was SO dated, and it sounded like something off the soundtrack of a bad 80s movie. I was half expecting Corey Haim to pop on screen and show off his new License To Drive. Even the judges agreed this performance sucked. Somebody call Tiger Woods… this crap is NOT up to par.

Too bad, so sad, but David Cook’s third song was no better. He selected The World I Know by Collective Soul. It sounded like something you’d hear a talentless college dropout singing around a campfire after inhaling too much bug spray. I spent the majority of this performance trying to decipher the Asian symbols silk screened across across his cheap, ugly shirt. Turns out, it loosely translates to, “Boss at bar called, peanut shells need cleaning and someone spilled Miller bottle, you’re late for your shift, jerkoff.” Who knew???

The judges agreed yet again this was not a winning performance and Cook shouldn’t be banking on victory. After receiving critiscism across the board, Cook got teary eyed. BUT NO SO FAST! Is that a tack I see, carefully positioned deep inside your Dolly Parton cowboy boot? I’m onto you, Cook.

Second to take the stage was David Archuleta. Clive Davis had Archuleta sing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me by Elton John. Cue the music and cut to Archuleta sitting on the stage stairs just like his famed hero and dream prom date, Kermit the Frog. Archuleta’s performance was predictable and boring, and yet oddly addicting – sort of like a Lifetime “made for TV” movie starring Meredith Baxter-Birney. However, not only am I sick of this kid crying like he’s been cutting onions in Hell’s Kitchen for 3 days straight, but I’m also sick of his lame hand/arm movements (which closely resemble a five year old nervously petting a camel). The judges loved his performance. Say it with me: “Shocking.”

Archuleta’s selection for the “new unreleased” song was: In This Moment by Ryan Gilmore (who?! Gilmore Girls? Wha?!) Again, this performance was dull and lackluster, sort of like my wood floor without it’s yearly application of Orange-Glo. As with every one of his performances, Archuleta’s voice sounded more processed and boring than the chicken broth I polished off last time I had the flu. But again, the judges loved his “heartfelt” song choice and said he was performing much better than David Cook. Personally, I felt his ugly embroidered anchor jacket was just weighing him down. PUN INTENDED.

Archuleta’s final song was Imagine by John Lennon, a song he’s already performed on the show. Sniff, is that a lame cop-out I smell? Or is that just the scent of David Cook’s hair gel melting under the hot stage lights? You decide. Anyway, Archuleta was really rocking out in his 1997 Airwalks and played-out white leather Members Only jacket. The only thing more obnoxious than having to listen to this song again was having to see Archuleta’s annoying, balding, weirdo Mormon father’s shit faced grin plastered across my TV screen. And I thought my mailman was annoying. Wow.

Randy exclaimed he wanted Archuleta to be the next American Idol, Paula was left speechless as usual, and Simon declared Archuleta the clear winner by way of a KNOCK OUT (lame boxing reference #529).

To close off the evening, Ruben Studdard performed his one “hit” song. I’ve been wondering what he’s been up to since he won the show. And after tonight, I can tell you, it CLEARLY hasn’t been the stair master.

And that brought this horrible episode to an end. Who will win? David A or David C? LIKE IT MATTERS. We know better by now. Stay tuned anyway, because we’ll bring you the elimination results as soon as they go down tomorrow night!

[All photos: FOX]