American Idol Episode Recap: Final Three Week (Season 7)

Another week, another episode of American Idol! This week, the final three contestants sang three songs each: one song they chose themselves, one song chosen by the judges, and one final song chosen by the producers.

Translation: 3x the hell, and 3x as hard to watch. I’m just saying.

David Archuleta took the stage first, wearing a cheap imitation Members Only jacket and Jason Castro’s tight acid-washed jeans from last week. Quite simply, he looked exactly like Terry Griffith from the 80’s classic movie Just One of the Guys. Except without the sense of humor. Or the nice tux.

As if his outfit wasn’t lame enough, cut to a scene of the Mayor of Munchkinland… er, the Mayor of Murray, Utah… some guy with a nasty looking handlebar moustache and a grossly oversized Texas flag shirt. Is this guy confused about the state he lives in? Bygones. Eager to revel in his 4 minutes of fame, he let David know he would be singing So It Goes by Billy Joel… a song that Paula picked out just for him. He then escaped backstage to lasso a pig, and poke an unsuspecting Archuleta fan in the eye with his pointy-ass moustache.

During Archuleta’s a capella performance, the studio was extremely quiet. HOW QUIET? Not only could you hear a pin drop, but if you really listened, you could hear the heroin coursing through David Cook’s veins.

Archuleta’s second performance, With You by Chris Brown, was horrible and was the WORST performance of the year as far as I’m concerned. The opening word to the song is “Boo” – something that should only be uttered by someone as lame and as white as David Archuleta on a spooky Halloween night. He danced around the stage and tried to be sexy, but he just looked like an awkward DORK moving around to relieve his JOCK ITCH without drawing attention.

In true American Idol fashion, David forgot some of the words. But the judges, so in love with the smell of his shit, didn’t even notice. Simon said his performance was akin to a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger. I thought it was worse than that… sort of like Garth Brooks trying to cover Whitney Houston. Some things are JUST WRONG.

His third and final song (thank God), chosen by the producers, was Longer Than by Dan Fogelburg. Excuse me, but I wasn’t sure if I was watching American Idol, or if I was sitting in my dentist’s office awaiting a root canal. Chosen by the producers?! Who the hell are they? Betty White and Phyllis Diller? Did they forget he was 16 and not 90? In retrospect, maybe it was a good choice after all, seeing as though David looked and sounded like a retard trying to sing a modern, cool song.

Syesha took the stage in another cheap Old Navy “Neon Nights” glittery dress, opening with a song chosen by Randy: If I Ain’t Got You by Alicia Keys. Randy said he chose this song because Syesha is “hot and in-charge.” Cut to the cameras panning in on Syesha, who was winking and giggling at Randy. Cue me wondering if they are creepin’ or bumpin’ together backstage in the broom closet. Paula and Simon agreed and said it wasn’t a strong performance.

Syesha chose her second song, which was Fever by Peggy Sue. It didn’t work for Madonna, and it certainly didn’t work for Syesha. The only thing this song showcased was her $10 hooker pumps, her short flapper dress, and the fact that she’ll soon be booted like a car with 40 unpaid tickets on Parking Wars. Simon said it was very fluffy and cabaret like. Off camera, Liza Minelli was waiting backstage with Syesha’s very own black leotard and a pair of glittery tap shoes. Who knew.

Syesha ended the night with the producers choice, Hit Me Up by Gia Farrell (WHO?) from the Happy Feet Movie Soundtrack. Her performance was like a bad rendition of Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, in slow motion. It was awfully boring. So boring, in fact, that the “producers” kept panning to shots of MARY LOU HENNER in the front row. Ooh, Idol sure does bring out all the stars!

Performing third was American Idol’s golden child, and my pick for “Most Obnoxious Person On The Planet,” David Cook. David’s first song was chosen by Simon, and it was First Time I Ever Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack. David gave his typical, stoic, unemotional, “I’m pretending I don’t care that I’m here” performance. He butchered the song and it was literally painful listening to him shrieking out the high notes. Every cat in my neighborhood was at my window, giving me the middle finger and trying to mute my TV with their universal remote controls. And in the end, the judges didn’t care for the song choice, either.

David’s personal song choice was Dare You to Move by SwitchFoot. Not shocking that a wanna-be rocker like David cook would choose a song from a Top 40 Pop, Clearchannel Radio sell-out, wanna-be rock group. The judges felt it didn’t capture David’s true singing spirit. I was too busy gasping at how milky white, pale, and flabby David’s arms really are… and how his jeans and shirt were hugging his womanly shaped hips and man boobs. Hey Cook, David Gest just called… he wants to know if you’re available for lunch tomorrow. I think you should go; what a treat to sit across the able from what you’re going to look like in 20 years.

David’s third song, chosen by the producers, was I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. This is one of my top 10 most hated songs of all time, so hearing David Cook singing it was almost too much for me to take. His rendition was horrible, off pitch, and generally wretched, despite the 935 violinists the producers had circling around him (no, not favoritism at all!)

After a few more annoying puffer fish, “Ooh, this is all so stressful for me” faces from David Cook, this week’s episode came to an end.

Stay tuned, we’ll bring you the elimination results as soon as they go down tomorrow night!

[Photos: FOX]