American Idol Episode Recap: Neil Diamond Week (Season 7)

Another week, another episode of American Idol!

This week, the five remaining contestants sang songs from legendary Neil Diamond. Legend or not, I’d like to know… just how many sparkly shirts does one man need? Where did he do his shopping? The Richard Simmons outlet for men and once-fab-but-now-flab exercise gurus?

Of course, Neil wouldn’t just come on American Idol if there wasn’t something in it for him. Yep, you guessed it, Neil was on American Idol promoting his (gasp) 26th album. Yes, his 26th album, called “Home Before Dark.” Makes sense. At his age, it’s not wise to be out driving around after dark. I’m not quite sure how this album will pan out, seeing as though his voice seemed more shaky than Michael J. Fox’s.

This week, the contestants had to learn and perform TWO songs. Seacrest dutifully let us know that each contestant would have TWO phone numbers for voting. Please. Let’s not confuse the American public. As it is, half of them are already phoning in trying to cast their vote for Obama.

First up: Jason Castro, who sang: Forever in Blue Jeans. His performance was below average and boring, and even the teeny bopper girls in the front row seemed like they’d rather be home watching their boyfriends play Madden NFL on xbox 360. Jason’s second song was: September Morn. It was HORRIFICALLY dull, and the judges agreed. Jason tried to blame his rough start on a coughing fit prior to taking the stage. Was he smoking a L in the back of the Benz-y with Nelly? Or was he just having an allergic reaction to the lice feces in his dreads? Talk amongst yourselves.

Next, David Cook sang: I Am Alive. Neil Diamond said he had goosebumps – not from David’s talent, but because he forgot to put on underwear this morning. As usual, Cook came out on stage sporting tight jeans, boots, and a new piece of paraphernalia from his “Dying Brother Collection.” This week, it was new blazer with an “AC” patch on the front lapel and another “AC” anagram on his guitar. (AC/DC= Adam Cook/David Cook)

Sidebar: Enough with the tributes to his dying brother. Alright folks, wise up, this kid is playing us like a PSP for all the sympathy votes he can get. Bottom line: Cook’s rendition of I Am Alive was Neil Diamond meets 80’s rock band: Ratt. That combo’s about as good as Penne a la Gefilte fish.

David’s next song was, All I Really Need Is You. The judges felt he nailed it (cue the judges kissing David’s ass for yet another week) and said it was the performance of the night. Paula said she felt she was looking at the next American Idol. She then mistook Ryan Seacrest for Cloris Leachman. So yeah. Take it for what it’s worth, people.

After David, Brooke took the stage. I will now take a moment to rip apart her outfit this week as the producers should have before she took the stage. Did Brooke let Christy Lee Cook’s wardrobe artist Wanda dress her this week? Her sparkly pants and glittery eye shadow were right out of Dorothy Zbornak’s Miami closet (to find it, just take a left after the lanai). Her performance of I Am a Believer was lackluster and missed the mark. Sort of like a drunk Tara Reid trying to play darts. Brooke, afraid she’d forget the words like she did last week, resorted to writing a few lyrics on her hand: “Palm trees grow and the rent is low.” Phew, that sure is a tough one to recall.

In the end, her performances were not good. Simon said her first song was akin to “a girls night out at the Karaoke bar.” Her second song, I Am, I Said, was less than thrilling, but, the judges all agreed it was more in tune to Brooke’s style – fake, overly dramatic, and boring.

UPDATE: This week’s “Celebrity in the American Idol” crowd was… Rita Wilson, and a random small child. She’s Tom Hanks’ wife. Whoo-hoo, the stars were out tonight. Imagine the paparazzi swarming outside the AI studios fighting for that shot!

David Archuleta was put second to last this week, and first sang Sweet Caroline. Neil Diamond called him “some kind of prodigy.” Cut to a shot of David writing a theorem proving that the human head does, in fact, weigh eight pounds. Personally, I hated his rendition of this song. It reminded me instantly of drunk college girls at the bar linking shoulders and screaming the lyrics… BA, BA, BA, SWEET CAROLINE! His second song was a little less painful: America. But then again, this song, a total guilty pleasure, couldn’t be ruined even if Marlee Matlin sang it. And as usual, the judges ate it up and claimed Archuleta was the BOMB! Someone please alert the FBI’s explosive task force.

Just before a barefoot Syesha took the stage, Dr. Scholl phoned in to let her know that his gel insoles could help relieve her bunion pain, just like they’ve helped millions of others out there. Bygones. Syesha sang: Hello Again. It was mediocre. But if you looked closely, you could see the outline of a tube of Tough Actin’ Tinactin hidden in her bra, for the inevitable Athlete’s Foot she’d be battling later that evening.

Her second song was: Thank The Lord For The Night Time… yeah, more like Thank The Lord It’s Over. Cut to a shot of the teeny boppers in the front row waving their hands in the air. So either the were into the song, or Simon’s nasty cologne was attracting flies again. You decide. Bottom line: the judges liked the texture in Syesha’s voice but still thought she’d wind up in the bottom two.

And there you have it! My picks for the bottom two: Syesha and Jason Castro, with Jason being the one to go. He redefined horrible. Stay tuned, we’ll bring you the results as soon as they go down!