American Idol Episode Recap: Andrew Lloyd Webber week (Season 7)

Another week, another episode of American Idol!

This week, the remaining six contestants performed songs from Andrew Lloyd Webber. Queue cheers from that weird woman with the cats who sits behind you in the office; but for the rest of us (groan), grab your No-Doz, and let’s get through this together!

Ryan Seacrest started off the show by announcing that it was Earth Day. He then grabbed the wand from the band leader, and began frantically waving it around in the air as the band played some bad jazz music. So either Ryan was attempting to orchestrate, or he just got done watching Karate Kid in the green room. Concentrate, Ryan-San! Always look eye!

Andrew Lloyd Webber then introduced himself to the crowd and said, “This is going to be a great show. I love working with young people. Like that time I let little Timmy do my taxes and I almost went bankrupt. That was fun.”

Syesha started off the show with One Rock & Roll Too Many, a song I have never heard of. In my life. Actually, it was more like ONE CHEESEBURGER TOO MANY. I’d be starving myself for a week before trying to slither into that little number. Bygones.

Syesha was excited that she could finally “show some of her personality.” And apparently, by that, she meant she was excited she could “act like a slut.” Move over, Michelle Pfiffer; Syesha started off her performance by slithering all over a grand piano like a rattlesnake trying to elude Jeff Corwin in the bush. Randy said she looked like a Broadway star, Simon said it was “very sexy,” while Paula tried not to pass out on the tabletop.

Next, Jason Castro shared that he was “very nervous” about his performance. Indeed. Cut to a shot of a terrified Jason sitting on a stool, looking like he’d rather have his dreads cut off by a crazed, hedgeclipper-wielding Stevie Wonder than sing an Andrew Lloyd Weber song. He chose to sing Memories, and for some unknown reason, then begin licking his hands and coughing up fur bars. Randy called his performance a train wreck, and Simon said the performance made him miserable. I second that notion. Hi, Jason, this is the bottom two calling. We’ll see you soon.

Brooke White was up next. She picked Evita’s You Must Love Me. Sorry, Brooke, not tonight! Not even 5 seconds into her song, Brooke stumbled over her words and stopped singing. She muttered, “I’m sorry,” and had the band restart the song. Frankly, everyone watching it here with me was embarrassed FOR HER. It was like watching a young George Bush stumbling over the word “CARROT” in a 2nd grade spelling bee (are there any alternate pronunciations? Can you pronounce it again? Is it CAR-rot, or car-ROT?)

Brooke restarted her song, but I was too distracted by the fact that she was COVERED in butterflies to notice how she sang. I’m telling you, it was like monarch mating season on her dress. Mortifying! Randy said her song was “vocally tough” but she did okay. Paula said, “Never start and then stop,” which, coincidentally, is also the advice she gave her boyfriend last night. And Simon said restarting the song was a “brave thing to do.” Brooke agreed, and then left the stage to rescue a baby who was helplessly swirling around in a vicious riptide current just outside the studio. Damn you, el nino.

David Archuleta then sang Think Of Me. Andrew Lloyd Weber told him to “open his eyes” and told the audience, “I can’t watch somebody who has their eyes closed all the time!” He then elaborated and added, “unless they are sleeping. Then I can stare at them for hours.” Ok, fine, he didnt’ say that. But he sort of seemed like a creepy sleeper-watcher, didn’t he?

Young David stood lifelessly on stage and belted out some decent notes, but he didn’t move his feet ONCE. It was almost like a tiny herd of Polish bricklayers showed up and cemented his feet to the ground. Nonetheless, Randy loved it. Paula called it “perfect.” But Simon said it was one of his weakest performances. I’d have to agree.

Carly Smithson was up next. She sang Jesus Christ Superstar. In her intro, she said, “I’m going to go out there and have the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.” Oh, come on. More fun than that time you and your roommates got drunk and ordered Rosetta Stone so you could fluently crank call people in Mexico? I doubt it. But I digress.

Randy said the performance was good, but not her best. He also said he liked her outfit, which made me throw up in my mouth a little. She looked like Mama Cass, after being attacked by 85 Bedazzlers. It was just horrid. And when Simon announced that he liked her performance, Carly ran off stage and came back clutching a baby blue t-shirt that said, “Simon loves me… this week.” It’s rumored that she also had “What Would Simon Do” with a downward-pointing arrow written across the butt of her underwear, but the producers didn’t want her to go there.

Lastly, David Cook sang The Music Of The Night. I momentarily mistook the song for Rhythm Of The Night by El Debarge and became excited, but my glee was short lived when I realized this was yet another song that I’ve never heard of. I found David’s performance horribly boring. It was sort of like watching Andrew Zimmern from Bizarre Foods eating a bacon cheeseburger – what’s the point?! He also had a long scarf tucked into the back pocket of his jeans. Who does he think he is, Steven Tyler? Or does he plan on sticking around the studio later to do some dusting?

Of course, the judges loved it. David can do no wrong. Simon did say “this isn’t the side of you I like, I prefer the grittier and raw side.” Oh Simon, he’s a mediocre singer, not a cut of prime rib.

And there you have it! My pick for the bottom two? Jason Castro and Brooke White were the worst of the worst. Who will go home?

Stay tuned to find out! See you next week.

[Photos: FOX]