American Idol Episode Recap: MARIAH CAREY WEEK (Season 7)

Original Air Date: 4/15/2008

Another week, another episode of American Idol!

This week: Mariah Carey was in the house. Queue stock footage of her prancing around half naked, swimming in pools with wet glossy hair, and trying not to fall off her 4″ heels.

Mariah’s a legend; she has a 5 octave range and she’s won 5 Grammys. Now I’m no Rain Man, but I’ve heard that if you add those two together, and then divide that by the number of times Quantas has crashed, you will get the numerical password to Tom Cruise’s safe… inside of which is rumored to be an exact wax replica of Nicole Kidman’s head, a laser disc copy of Hot Shots Part Deux, and a rare audio recording of Jodie Foster swearing on set of the movie Contact after failing to hear a space noise. But I digress.

First up: David Archuleta. Sorry, but he’s just not that cute to me anymore; I’m SO DONE with his fake, phlegmy, nervous horse giggle. Davey Boy sang When You Believe. Mariah called his performance “moving.” Well, at least his performance was moving, because I’ll tell you… not much else was moving in his tight black pleather “I Ride The Short Bus” pants. However, the judges loved his performance. Shocking, isn’t it?

Next, Carly sang Without You. Ugh, it was boring and uneventful. Randy complimented her big ol’… vocals. Paula perked up and said, “Vocals?!” and then began frantically searching the set for Keanu Reeves, thinking she was on set of the Rush Rush video. Simon said Carly didn’t pull it off, and might I say, I’m awfully glad. I don’t want to see what’s under there.

Syesha then sang Vanishing. Ironic, because that’s what her performance did in my brain 5 seconds after watching it. Time to make the coffee, this one was a dozer. The judges were bored, too.

Cut to the cameraman frantically panning in on TERRI HATCHER and her daughter in the audience every 5 seconds. Ok, we get it, she’s there. And high definition TV is not her friend, might I add. Can we carry on now? Thank you.

Next, Brooke White sang Hero. She started off like the surface of Ray Liotta’s face: pitchy and very rough. Things only got worse as she went along. Randy said he hated the bridge, but at his previous weight, who can blame him. Bridges have weight limits, and that can be scary. Paula was lost in space, and Simon said her performance was like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun. Well, that would be a for a meat eater, but what if you’re a vegetarian? Simon should have said her performace was like ordering a hamburger, and getting an 8×10 glossy of the Osmonds. Disappointment all around.

Moving right along. Kristy Lee Cook, in yet another studded belt, met up with Mariah (Ms Carey if you’re nasty) and sang Forever. Mariah said Kristy gave her goosebumps… not because her singing was phenomenal, but because she thought she saw the Virgin Mary shimmering in Kristy’s gold eyeshadow. After a decent performance, the judges offered mixed reviews. Randy said it got better as it went along, sort of like a night in Vegas with Britney Spears. Paula said she was blown away, despite the Weather Channel reporting mild conditions in the area at that time. And Simon said he found Kristy whiny and “not great.”

David Cook sang a funky, poppy version of Always Be My Baby. His brother, who is ill with brain cancer, was in the audience supporting him. David shed a few tears after his performance. He said he took a risk with the song, but according to the judges, it paid off. Simon said it was a “breath of fresh air.” But was it David’s performance Simon was smelling? Or was it Terri Hatcher’s Designer Imposters perfume? You decide.

The night ended with Jason singing I Don’t Wanna Cry. I thought it was one of the worst performances of the night. I mean, it was suuuuper cheesy. There were dudes behind him playing the bongos and stuff. It was just odd. And he was wearing these ugly white golf shoes like he just bogeyed the 9th hole at the Masters. Randy said his performance was like being at a beach louau. Paula, well, who cares. And Simon actually liked it.

And there you have it – Mariah Carey week on American Idol! Who sucked the most? Who sucked the least? Who will get voted off? I’m predicting SYESHA, BROOKE, and CARLY in the bottom three Thursday night.

Stay tuned and see you next week!