Hey everybody! Welcome to WE HATE IDOL’s coverage of American Idol: Season 9. I’m Jillian Madison. Please note, if you’re looking for kind, gentle commentary about the contestants and the judges, this isn’t the site for you. We’re all about making fun of the imbeciles on the show, and our snarky live-blogs and photos will reflect that.
The action starts at 8 EST. Come back then and skewer the show with us in the comments section!

8:03: Here we go – Season 9 is underway. Paula Abdul: out. C-list celebrity guest judges: in. The auditions are starting in Boston.
Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) is the first guest judge, and for some ungodly reason, she’s wearing a piece of a black stocking on her head.

8:08: The first contestant is JANET McNAMARA, who thinks she’s qualified to be here because she played the American Idol video game on her Nintendo Wii. Her stomach is pouring out over her jeans. This woman is a walking muffin top. She’s singing “Pocket Full Of Sunshine” and it’s hideous. The judges are appropriately horrified. Janet didn’t make the cut.
8:14: Here comes some random girl with 11 brothers and sisters. One of them has Downs Syndrome, so you know she’s going to make it to the next round.
Scratch that – SEVERAL of her siblings have Downs Syndrome.
Maddy’s singing “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. I liked Brandi Carlile’s version better, but she has a nice voice. But come on, a dying whale would have sounded good after Janet. And of course, she made it to Hollywood.
8:20: Aaand, here comes Pat Ford, a loser in an Abercrombie polo screaming “HOLLER” and thinking he’s funny for doing so. He’s singing “Womanizer.” Is that supposed to be funny because he’s not? God, this season is boring me already. NEXT!

8:30: Nothing tells you you’re in the northeast like an overweight, greasy meathead from Rhode Island screaming at you in broken Italian. Meet 28-year old Amadeo Diricco. ROCK ME, AMADEO! Kara said she felt like she was “at home with her cousin” and Simon said it was his “favorite audition of the day.” They put him through. The entire cast of Jersey Shore is now celebrating in the waiting area.
8:33: Some loser with pimply skin just said he started “GRADUSTATING” to music a few years ago. Obviously, since he didn’t do any GRADUSTATING from college.
8:41: Mary Doyle is up next. She’s got yellow teeth, red hair, and she’s obsessed with Anime. Whatever. She’s boring, and I’ve got 50 bucks that says she didn’t get asked to prom.
8:45: Ah, finally. A rejected hipster in a knit ski cap singing Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. My life is complete.
8:48: They sure are loving this toolbag in the non-prescription tortoise shell glasses, aren’t they? His name is Andrew Fenlen, and guess what…

He’s also a total dick. Victoria Beckham called him “hideously arrogant” and Kara DioGuardi went off on him for 5 minutes. He was like watching Clark Kent’s much less talented, much more obnoxious younger brother. He was the most interesting person on the entire episode, but he didn’t make it through to Hollywood.
9:00: We’re an hour into this shit, and I haven’t seen Victoria Beckham smile once. Does her face even move anymore?
9:02: The only thing I hate more than Alicia Keys is people who sing Alicia Keys on their American Idol audition.
I also just realized I don’t miss Paula Abdul at all. It’s like she was never even there to begin with.
9:04: Tyler Grady just sang “Let’s Get It On.” He looks like he just stole Greg Brady’s wardrobe from the episode when he moved his bedroom into Mike’s den.
9:05: Oh, look! Another commercial! This gives me time to discuss how useless Victoria Beckham is as a judge. All she’s done is comment on people’s clothing. I didn’t realize I was watching Fashion Idol. Thanks for the memo.
9:10: JUST when I thought this premiere couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Seacrest is giving a history lesson about the Boston Tea party. Somewhere in America, my 7th grade Social Studies teacher is ecstatic.
9:12: Personally, I’m too distracted by the sheer amount of hair on Simon’s arm to be horrified by Lisa’s awful rendition of Marian Carey’s “Vision Of Love.”
9:15: I’m getting seasick just watching that Godzilla speedboat spinning around the water. Can this Mike guy sing his awful Beatles song and be done with it? Oh, great. They sent him through to Hollywood, even though he sang the first half of his song in a completely different key. Following in Adam Lambert’s footsteps, is he?
9:23: Time for Katie Stevens, a Portugese girl with a grandmother who has Alzheimers. This is totally sad. They’re showing footage of Katie spoonfeeding her and everything. Whatever. That’s playing dirty. I don’t even need to hear this girl sing. You know they’re going to send her through to Hollywood.
Aaaand, they sent her to Hollywood. Is this show predictable or what?
9:29: Further proof this is the most boring premiere episode ever: Randy just referenced SPANDAU BALLET. I rest my case.
9:30: I’m so sick of these sob stories. Yes, people have cancer, sick grandmothers, and disabled siblings. But do the Idol producers think the American population is so stupid, we can’t like someone without hearing their corny backstory?
9:39: Dear God. Not the “Turn The Tub Around” butter commercial. Is Megan Mullally that hard up for cash?
9:45: Norberto Guerrero looks like Latoya Jackson’s corpse. I’m terrified. I think I saw him spraypainted on the side of a loud ride at my local town carnival once.

WE HATE IDOL COMMENT OF THE NIGHT: “So, are Bosa’s parent sending me e-mail scams yet?” -Vomit

And that brought this awful episode to an end! Join us tomorrow night for another episode of American Idol. Thankfully, it’s only 90 minutes. There is a God.